Title: Comatose Cute
Author: EscagirlUK
E-Mail: EscagirlUK@AOL.com
Rating: PG/PG-13
Fandom: Xena/Herc
Pairing: Ares/Joxer, Xena/Gabby, Herc/Iolaus, Cupie/Strife
Series: The Fairy Tales
Archive: Oooh, please. Just send me a line telling me you're archiving my
stuff and link to the site for me to go check it out.
Website: Not yet.
Notes: The idea just hit me in the face. Hard. With salmon. And I'm not
talking about the whole fish, I'm talking about the cooked sorta smushed up salmon
that looks like it's already been eaten once! ::shudders:: I'm glad I can't
eat fish 'n' seafood after seeing *that*.
Disclaimer: Ares belongs to himself, cuz he's a God, and Joxer belongs to the
person who invented him.
Warning: Humour. And OOC. Be warned!
Summary: Poor Prince Joxer's knocked himself into a coma that can only be
broken by the kiss of his soulmate.
Far away and long ago there were these two kingdoms, Corinth and Olympia.
Corinth was ruled by the kind and gentle King Phillipus and Queen Marthea.
Olympia was ruled by the wise Queen Hera and her rather adulterous hubby, Zeus.
These kingdoms were the best of friends, and Hera and Marthea often went to visit
the local salon together. The salon was run by the transvestite Jace, who was
a fashion consultant and gave real good fashion tips and stuff like that, and
had a whole lot of hot gay men working for 'her' giving people facials (no,
no, not *those* kind of facials, you pervs!) and doing their nails and other
stuff that goes on in these places. So, Hera and Marthea were the reason the two
kingdoms were best buddies.
Hera and Zeus had many kids together, which made Marthea and Phillipus very
sad, for they had no children.
Marthea stood out on her balcony on the highest tower, and prayed to the
stars and the moon for a baby. And, lo, Marthea was blessed with a child. And the
kingdom rejoiced, and got even more rejoicier after the baby was born.
Marthea named the baby 'Joxer', and a huge party was held in the newborn's honour.
Now, there were 15 great fairies (though twelve were rumoured to be muses,
whatever *those* were…). But Phillipus only had 14 golden plates. Phillipus
didn't wish to insult one of the fairies by not sending an invitation, but he
didn't want to insult one by giving her a silver plate instead. Eventually, he
decided to invite her and give her a silver plate, for it was the less insulting
of the two, or so he hoped.
And the invitations were sent out, and plans were made between the two
kingdoms, for they had sorely wished for an alliance of flesh between them. It was
decided that the baby Joxer would be married to King Zeus's eldest son, Prince
Ares. Ares, who had just been through his very first full-fledged battle, was
pissed by this, so he went off to dismember some of the normal army soldiers
with his twin sister. His younger sister, Aphrodite, just shook her head,
wrinkled her cute little nose, and went off to make calf-eyes at their cousin,
Hephaistos.
Finally, the day of the party arrived. Everybody got there on time and were
awaiting the arrival of the fairies. And the fairies showed up with a cool
fzzpt-sparkle-sparkle. Well, all of them except the fifteenth fairy, Gabrielle.
But nobody minded too terribly, after all, Gabrielle's nickname was 'Gabby' for
a reason. And the fairies were introduced one by one, ending with Xena, fairy
of War, and Iolaus, the fairy of Hunting, and the only male fairy of the
bunch.
And all the fairies gave Joxer cool gifts like a good singing voice, great
music-playing, awesome warrior-skills, the ability to make friends easily and
etcetera. It was only before Iolaus could give his gift that Gabrielle
appeared. The hall became dark, and a nasty black wind swirled about the room before
coming together before the thrones and cradle to form Gabrielle. And she
shrieked like a harpy when she saw that the other fairies had already started giving
their gifts.
"You would not wait for my arrival?!" she shrieked. "Then I will curse the
baby instead of gifting him! Joxer will be uncoordinated! And on his sixteenth
birthday this shall cause him to trip on the spindle of a spinning wheel and
DIE!" And with an evil cackle Gabby disappeared.
All were aghast at this. Well, that is until Iolaus spoke up.
"Your majesties, I cannot undo Gabrielle's curse, but I can change it." And
he swirled his stick around and spoke. "Instead of dying when you trip on that
spindle, you will be knocked into a coma and stuck as a sixteen year old
until your soulmate kisses you." And he flicked his wand. Then all the fairies
buggered off back to where they came from, except Xena and Iolaus. Xena ran off
after Gabby to berate her for being a crabby bat and to then screw her silly.
And Iolaus went off to seduce one of Zeus's bastard kids, a boy named Hercules.
And so many years passed. King Phillipus and Queen Marthea had all the
spinning wheels and spindles burnt, and spent a happy time raising their son to be
a sweet and kind boy. And Ares was often forced to visit, which usually ended
in Joxer running off in tears because Ares was mean to him. This caused much
annoyance among Ares' female family, except for his twin, Eris, who was too
busy with her new squeeze, a thief named Autolycus who had tried to steal her
gold-plated bra.
On Joxer's sixteenth birthday, he noticed a passage he'd never seen before,
and, being curious, he followed it up to the highest tower of the castle.
Which was strange, because the highest tower was on the other side of the castle.
But he knew it was the highest tower because he saw the place on the wall
where he drew on it with bright orange crayons.
When he got to the very top he was mesmerised by the blonde woman sitting on
the bed. Which was why he never saw the spindle of a spinning wheel laying on
the floor. And, of course, he stepped on it, causing him to trip and hit his
head with an unhealthy 'thunk' on the marble frame of the bed. And he was
knocked unconscious and into the land of the comatose. This set of a chain
reaction where everybody else in the castle fell asleep where they were - causing a
lot of major injuries for the people tending the food and working in the
blacksmiths as they fell in the fires, or fell on the hot metal they were working,
or even fell into the vats of molten metal.
A year passed before Zeus and Hera sent Ares to investigate the quietness of
Corinth. So Ares went off to investigate, grumbling on the way for show,
because he was secretly thrilled to be going to Corinth. He'd get to see Joxer
again, and he really fancied Joxer, even if he didn't show it.
When he got there, everybody was asleep. It was terribly puzzling for the
poor prince. So Ares looked around, and eventually found some stairs. He was led
up them by this cool glowing green light that was held by the 12 youngest
fairies - known as the muses.
Ares went up, and up, and up, and up, and up, and up until his legs felt as
if they were going to fall off. It was then that he saw Him.
Ares crept to the side of the bed and looked upon the face of Joxer, and
gaped. Joxer was very cute, even with the broken nose (which had been broken when
he tripped on the spindle and smashed his face in).
Ares leant over Joxer and kissed him. And arms wrapped around Ares neck as
the mouth beneath his moved against him. And the kiss grew hot and wet. And
soon they were both naked and writhing in the throes of orgasm. And later that
week they were married. As a wedding present, the fairies made both Ares and
Joxer able to bear children. This cause the fairies to become unpopular when
Joxer started puking his internal organs out every morning after the first
fortnight of his marriage. But it was okay eventually, and Ares and Joxer had a
beautiful baby named Cupid, who grew up to get married, have a kid, get divorced,
and then get married to his cousin Strife who he'd fancied since he was five.
And they all lived relatively happy, even Gabby, who lifted Joxer's curse
and made him co-ordinated again before dragging Xena off to play cops and
robbers.
THE END