Welcome to AresJoxerCupidStrife

Title: Five Minute 'A Comedy of Eros'
Author: Christine
Contact: QsMistress23@hotmail.com
Fandom: Xena/Hercules
Rating: PG13
Codes: None
Archive: AJCS
Disclaimer: The only thing I own is myself and I'm a bit behind on the
payments.
Feedback: Totally.
Author's Note: Okay, this is a spoof of the above mentioned Xena
episode.
I also borrowed the idea from someone who did this to Voyager episodes.
Summary: I'm sick and twisted?

Cupid: You need to go to sleep.
Bliss: Don't wanna!
Psyche: Cupid.
Cupid: (looks over shoulder then at Bliss) You really, *really* need
to go
to sleep.
Bliss: Don't wanna!
Psyche: Cupid, hurry up!

Cupid: (puts Bliss down) You're starting to feel sleepy...
Bliss: No, I'm not.
Cupid: Yes, you are.
Bliss: No, I'm not.
Cupid: Yes you...look how 'bout I pretend to fall asleep?
Bliss: Might work.
Cupid: Watch me...<snore> (looks at Bliss, sees him asleep, grins)
That's
my boy! (starts to walk away)
Bliss: It didn't work.
Cupid: (stops in mid-step) Damn!
Bliss: Sucks to be you.

Cupid: Would bribing you work?
Bliss: Maybe.
Cupid: How 'bout I give you a ton of horses and your own chariot?
Bliss: That worked. (goes to sleep)
Cupid: Finally! (walks out of room and closes door)
Bliss: (looks at door, then at wall o' weapons. gets up and flies
towards
wall, grabs nearest bow and arrows) Sucks to be him. (disappears)

Head Virgin: (bell rings) Hestia, hear us, we still ain't gettin'
none, it
sucks to be us. Here's some white doves for you.
Virgins: Hear us Hestia, we still ain't gettin' none, it sucks to be
us.
(releases doves and walks back into temple)

Xena: You know it sucks to be them.
Gabrielle: Yeah, I like gettin' some.
Xena: I meant the bell.
Gabrielle: I knew that.
Xena: Uh huh, sure. (walks away)

Xena: Love sucks.
Gabrielle: Love does not suck.
Xena: Yes, it does.
Bliss: (shoots someone with arrow, giggles) Sucks to be him.
Gabrielle: No, it doesn't.
Xena: Yes, it does.
Bliss: (shoots another person with arrow, giggles again)
Gabrielle: No, it doesn't.
Xena: Yes, it does.
Bliss: (shoots another person in the butt, giggles) Sucks to be her.
Gabrielle: No, it doesn't.
Xena: Yes, it does.

Xena: Draco's coming by to steal the virgins.
Gabrielle: How do you know?
Xena: Sixth sense.
Gabrielle: Ah, I see it all so clearly now.
Xena: There is no one who can stop it except for us.
Joxer: Xena! Gabby! Wait up!
Xena: Aw, man!
Gabrielle: Damn, it sucks to be us.

Joxer: (catches up with the women) I was in the neighborhood and heard
you
needed a warrior to help.
Xena: How nice.
Joxer: Yeah, heard he's one tough guy.
Draco: You're right.
Joxer: Oops, sucks to be me.

Bliss: (shoots Xena with arrow, giggles) Sucks to be her.
Draco: Xena, heard you were trying to stop me.
Xena: Who me? Never! (walks up to Draco) Gods, you're a hotty!
Draco: Huh? (engages in tonsil hockey with Warrior Princess)
Joxer: What are they doing?
Gabrielle: Don't know.
Bliss: Sucks to be them. (giggles and disappears)

Draco: Wow, I should stay away more often.
Xena: Ditto. How 'bout we fight to relieve some sexual tension?
Draco: 'Kay. (They fight)

Joxer: She's got a plan, right?
Gabrielle: That *is* her plan.
Joxer: Oh.

Draco: (stops fighting) Oo! You're still a ball buster.
Xena: Thanks.
Draco: I'm going to go now.
Xena: 'Kay. (Draco gets on horse and gallops away)

Gabrielle: (walks over to Warrior Princess) What was that?
Xena: My plan.
Gabrielle: Ah, good plan.

Draco: Prepare a bath, I'm going to get some later.
Warlord: Why? It's never stopped you before?
Draco: Xena, the light of my life, is coming later.
Warlord: Oh, sucks to be you.
Draco: Exactly.

Gabrielle: (watches Xena punch a bag) What are you doing?
Xena: Working out. Must keep the muscles big.
Gabrielle: (raises eyebrow) Why?
Xena: (continues punching bag) Fodder space.
Joxer: A cold dunk will cure that.
Gabrielle: (ignores Joxer) You're hot for Draco?
Xena: That obvious, huh?
Gabrielle and Joxer: Yup.
Xena: Damn, sucks to be me.

Draco: Singing in the bathtub...(gets out of bath)
Xena: Nice.
Draco: How'd you get in?
Xena: I'm damn good?
Draco: Ah, makes sense.
Xena: Why don't you become a good guy and we can live happily ever
after.
Draco: It's not in my contract.
Xena: Oh, okay, bye.

Warlord: Was Xena just here?
Draco: Yup.
Warlord: Kay. What should we do?
Draco: Dress some extra in my clothes.
Warlord: Gotcha.

Warlord: (sees priestess praying) Get her! (extras run after
priestess)
Draco: Gotcha! (lifts veil) Uh, Xena? You ain't a virgin.
Xena: Who told you that?
Draco: Nevermind. What are you doing here and where's the virgins?
Xena: I hid them.
Draco: Oh, wondered where all those extras came from.
Xena: Sucks to be you. (skips away)

Xena: (sees Gabs and Jox tied up)
Draco: I didn't kill them.
Xena: I can see that. (walks over and unties friends)
Bliss: (shoots Gabrielle and giggles) Sucks to be her. (disappears)
Gabrielle: Xena?
Xena: Gabrielle?
Joxer: (turns and faces the Gabster) My tongue is ruined!
Gabrielle: (makes doe eyes at Jox) Uh huh.

Draco: You're good, you know that?
Xena: (wins at arm wrestling) Yup.
Draco: Another round?
Xena: Sure.

Gabrielle: Come on, Joxer. Give it to me.
Joxer: (sighs) Can't get enough, can you?
Gabrielle: (sighs dreamily) Nope.
Joxer: (toots horn)
Gabrielle and Joxer: (sings Joxer the Mighty)
Gabrielle: Gods, I love that song!
Joxer: I was good, wasn't I?
Gabrielle: Oh, yeah. (kisses Joxer, sucking the life out of him)
Joxer: (coughes and wheezes) I think you sucked out my fillings. How
'bout some water?
Gabrielle: Kay. (gets up and grabs water skin and staff)

Draco: (receives back massage) Argh! That feels good!
Xena: Thanks, I have many skills.
Draco: (turns over onto back) Why don't we test those skills out?
Xena: (gulps) Uh, sorry. Gotta go.
Draco: (screams) Gods, it sucks to be me!

Gabrielle: (skips down the hill towards river) Xena?
Xena: Yup.
Gabrielle: Why are you in the water?
Xena: Taking Joxer's advice about a cold dunk.
Gabrielle: (sighs) He's just full of good ideas, ain't he?
Xena: (raises eyebrow) Yeah, right.
Gabrielle: He's my pookums. (begins to sing Joxer the Mighty off key)
Xena: You okay?
Gabrielle: Sure. Why?
Xena: You're making googoo eyes everytime I mention Joxer.
Gabrielle: (makes googoo eyes) Yeah, ain't he a dream boat?
Xena: Uh huh. (gets interrupted by someone screaming) The virgins!

Draco: Collect the virgins!
Warlord: We are!
Virgins: (screams)
Xena: (runs up to Draco) I thought you were going to be a good little
warlord?
Draco: I lied.
Xena: You suck. (begins to fight Draco and company)

Bliss: (shoots Draco and giggles) Sucks to be him. (disappears)
Gabrielle: Hey! No hurting Xena!
Draco: (makes googoo eyes at Gabrielle) Sweetums!
Gabrielle: I'll sweetums you! (bops Draco upside the head with staff)
Draco: Oo! I like 'em rough!
Xena: Quick! Everyone inside!
Virgins and Gabrielle: (runs into temple)
Xena: Hurry!
Virgin: I dropped my scroll!
Xena: Sucks to be you.
Joxer: (sees scroll and runs out to fetch it)

Draco: Come out, Gabby! I have your man!
Joxer: Help!
Gabrielle: (gasps) Joxer! (runs out to get her man)
Xena: Haha. Can't get me. Nur!
Gabrielle: Xena! Help!
Xena: Damnit! It sucks to be me!

Draco: I love you, pookums!
Gabrielle: Well, it sucks to be you cause I love someone else.
Draco: (growls) Who? I'll kill 'im!
Gabrielle: I'm not telling you or you'll kill Joxer. (eyes go wide)
Oopsie.
Draco: That geek!? He's a dead man. (stalks off)
Gabrielle: Joxer.

Joxer: (tries to break rope) I think I can. I think I can.
Xena: (cuts rope) Come on, we gotta go.
Joxer: What about Gabby?
Xena: I'll get her you get whoever did this to us.
Joxer: Aphrodite or Cupid?
Xena: Aphrodite ain't smart enough for this. Go get Cupid.
Joxer: Kay. (gets ready to go when bad guy shows up)
Draco: I'm here to kill you.
Joxer: Really?
Xena: (bashes vase over lover's head) Sorry, nummy treat.
Joxer: Uh huh. I'll be going now. (looks at Draco's limp body) Sucks
to
be him.

Gabrielle: (tries to knock Xena out)
Xena: Gimme that before you hurt someone.
Gabrielle: Xena! Where's Joxer?
Xena: He's out getting Cupid.
Gabrielle: (pouts) Without me!?
Xena: Hey, I saved him and he went to go get Cupid.
Gabrielle: Kay.

Draco: I know you're in there!
Xena: We ain't coming out, so nur!
Draco: Kay. (turns to warlord buddies) Go for it, boys!
Xena: Okay, okay we're coming.

Draco: Go get the virgins!
Warlords: Yes sir!
Virgin buyer: Draco, you have my virgins?
Draco: Coming right up.
Virgin buyer: The amazon too?
Draco: (blinks) Huh?
Warlords: Here they are.

Xena: Howdy, virgin buyer.
Virgin buyer: You the amazon?
Xena: Nope. (points to Gabby) She is.
Draco: Hey, that's my amazon!
Virgin buyer: Not according to my note.
Draco: Note? Gimme that!
Xena: Now, now, sweetums. She's *his* amazon.
Draco: (looks at virgin buyer) She lies!
Virgin buyer: Either gimme the amazon or we fight.
Draco: We fight then!
Virgin buyer: Kay. (they fight along with everyone else)

Xena: (turns to Gabby) Go hide the virgins.
Gabrielle: Got it. (turns to virgins) Come on, girls!
Draco: (turns to Warlords) Go get them!
Warlords: Yes sir!

Gabrielle and Virgins: (runs towards cave to hide)
Warlords: (runs after virgins)
Bliss: (begins shooting virgins and giggles even more) Sucks to be
them.
(disappears)
Warlords: (screams and runs away) Eeep! They turned into nymphos!
Virgins: Oh boys! We changed our minds! (runs after Warlords)
Gabrielle: Hey, come back here! You guys nuts?

Warlords: (screams and runs into temple)
Virgins: (runs into temple after the Warlords)
Gabrielle: Will you guys come back here!?
Draco: (finishes fighting and runs into temple after his pookums)
Xena: (finishes fighting and runs into temple after her pookums)
Draco?
Come back my love!

Warlords: (runs around temple trying to get away from virgins)
Virgins: (runs around temple trying to get their men)
Draco: Gabrielle, my love, I'm coming for you!
Gabrielle: Eep!

Joxer: Xena, I found him! (runs into temple and turns around) Come on
slow
poke!
Cupid: (stands outside looking stupid)
Gabrielle: Joxer?
Draco: Gabby, my love!
Gabrielle: Eep! (runs around temple)
Draco: (runs after Gabby until Xena trips him)
Xena: Leave her. *I* love you!
Draco: Well, I don't love you.
Xena: If you want Gabrielle, you have to change.
Draco: Don't wanna.
Xena: Fine, then you won't get her.
Draco: We'll see.

Joxer: (enters chamber but doesn't see Gabby)
Gabrielle: (enters chamber but doesn't see Joxer)
Joxer and Gabrielle: (bump into each other) Pookums! (they hug and
kiss)

Bliss: (gets ready to fire more arrows)
Cupid: There you are.
Bliss: Uh oh. Sucks to be me.
Cupid: You're grounded, now go home. (waves hand and Bliss disappears)
Xena: Glad to see you finally got him.
Cupid: Yes, well, he's a slippery thing, ain't he?
Xena: Yup. You gonna reverse everything for us or do I have to spread
rumors?
Cupid: (sighs) Sure. (waves hand and Xena is back to normal)

Joxer: I love you, Gabby.
Gabrielle: I love you too, Joxer.
Cupid: (appears next to the love birds and waves hand)
Gabrielle: What happened?
Joxer: I love you!
Cupid: (smacks Joxer upside the head)
Gabrielle: Huh?
Joxer: I love you!
Cupid: (continues to smack Joxer upside the head)
Xena: Hey, Cupid. He's for real.
Cupid: (gets dirty look on his face) Oh, it happens.

Draco: I found you my love!
Gabrielle: Huh?
Cupid: (gets ready to smack Draco)
Xena: Not yet.
Cupid: (shrugs shoulders)
Draco: I wanna marry you, be mine.
Gabrielle: Huh?
Cupid: (gets ready to smack Draco, but Xena stops him again)
Draco: I'll be a good little warlord and only kill other warlords.
Gabrielle: Um, okay.
Cupid: (is about to smack Draco when Xena stops him again)
Xena: Leave him be. We'll need him like that for the next episode.
Cupid: Whatever. (disappears)

Virgin buyer: Wuss!
Draco: (punches virgin buyer) I'm going to enjoy this good little
warlord
thing. (walks off)

Gabrielle: I can't believe I was actually in love with you, Joxer.
Isn't
that funny?
Joxer: Yeah, hilarious.
Xena: (consoles Joxer)
Joxer: (looks like a puppy who's been kicked)

The End