AresJoxerCupidStrife - Scribe

Part 1 Part 2 Part 3 Part 4 Part 5


Title: Grabbin' Groceries with Xena
Author: Scribe
Fandom: Xena
Pairing: Implied only
Rating: R
Summary: Scribe needs supplies. Some of the Xenites decide to tag
along.
Archive: Mailing Lists, WWOMB, AJCS Archive, and others ask.
Feedback: poet77665@catlover.com
Status: WIP
Sequel/Series: Not exactly. It's sort of a spiritual mate to such
things as Spinnin' The Dial With Xena, and Multiplexin' With Xena
Disclaimer: I did not create the characters here, I don't own them.
I derive no profit from this effort. I mean nothing but respect for
the creators, owners, and the actors and actresses who portray them.
Websites: http://www.angelfire.com/grrl/scribescribbles and
http://www.angelfire.com/grrl/foxluver
Warnings:
Notes: Dani put up a sorta challenge on the AJCS list, about how
Strife might react to modern food.

Grabbin' Groceries with Xena
By Scribe

Scribe: "Mom? I've been out of Pepsi for two days now, and that's
the equivalent of a heroin addict going cold turkey. Besides that--
do you know what I had for lunch today?"

Mom: "Did you order pizza again?"

Scribe: "I looked at my check book, and the last eight carbon copies
were to Pizza Inn. My Good Behavior Angel slapped me upside the
head. I had a can of green beans. GREEN BEANS, Mom--and not a scrap
of bacon or salt pork in sight."

Mom: "It's time to make a grocery run, but I have a lot of errands
today."

Scribe: "Just drop me off at the store and I'll shop, and you can
pick me up when you're done. I'll buy stuff we need besides just
stuff for myself, and you can give me a few bucks later. Deal?"

Mom: "Sounds good to me. Go change."

Scribe: *whine* "Ah, Moooom..."

Mom: "Go change. Do you want people to think I raised you to go out
in public dressed like that?"

Scribe: "Mom, I'm forty-six years old."

Mom: "Your point is?"

Scribe: *sigh* "Just a minute." *mumble* "Where the hell did I put
my bra?"

Mom: *raised voice* "I'll be waiting in the car!"

Scribe: *Oof* "Check." *muttermuttercurse* "Crap, that pinches.
Where's the check book? Okay." *goes out on porch*

Inga: *Weenie dog looks up from pink crocheted rug* "Urf."

Scribe: "Yes, I know that you need food."

Snicklefritz: *cat jumps up on porch* "Rowr."

Scribe: "I already told Inga--I know you need food."

Snicklefritz: "Nrowr grr ff."

Scribe: *rolls eyes* "When was the last time I actually bought dog
food? You know very well that if I get both, Inga eats the cat food,
and you eat the dog food, and you both lose hair. I'm getting
nothing but cat food, since that has all the nutrients you both
need. But if Inga starts purring again, I'm calling the damn Pet
Psychic." *beep* "COMING, MOM! Will you move so I don't trip over
your ass? If I fall on you, believe me--you'll regret it more than I
will. Besides..." *shudder* "I've already tangled with those steps
once."

*FLASH*

Strife: "Gimme yer arm, Toots, an' I'll make sure ya get down safely."

Scribe: *EEP!* *pant* "STRIFE! It's a good thing I wasn't standing
near the edge of the porch, or we'd have had a repeat of February,
2003, and the last thing I need is another broken hip--or a RE-broken
one."

Strife: "I ain't about ta let that happen ta ya. Not only do I like
ya too much, there are too many big, butch, well-muscled fictional
charactahs who'd happily beat on my ass fah interruptin yer writin.
Step careful, woman."

*Scribe makes her way down the front steps safely*

Scribe: "Thanks." *begins to limp toward car* *notices that her
mother is staring at Strife like she's seeing the lead guitarist for
Megadeath reaching up under her daughter's shirt* "Strife, have you
ever considered dressing to blend in when you come here?"

Strife: "Nah. Where would be tha fun in that?"

*they reach the car* *Strife opens the door*

Scribe: "Thank you."

Strife: "Yer welcome." *Strife scrambles into the car first, sliding
over to sit right next to Scribe's Mom, complete with arm over her
shoulders and patented Strife leer about three inches from her
face* "Hiya."

Mom: "Are we being carjacked?"

Scribe: *sigh* *settles self in car* "No, Mom. I think my friend
just wants to go grocery shopping with me."

Mom: *sounds relieved* "Oh, that's good. Since your accident, I
worry about you walking around alone." *Strife cackles* "Why is he
laughing?"

Scribe: "At the fact that anyone would feel safer having him with
someone. Stop it, Strife. It isn't nice to scare your ride."

Strife: *pats Mom on the shoulder* "Don't worry. I know how a motha
worries."

Mom: "You're empathetic to your own mother."

Strife: "Nah. Mom? Worried about me?" *snicker* "But I know how it
feels ta worry about my lil' Impetua." *sigh* *holds hand over
belly* "When ya carry a kid insider yer body fah nine months..."

Mom: "Uh..."

Scribe: "Let it go, Mom. Trust me--let it go."

*Mom starts car*

Strife: "Wait! It's easier fah tha rest of tha party if they don't
hafta try to hit a movin target."

Scribe: "What--?"

*FLASH* *FLASH* *FLASH* *Flash*

Cupid: "Hi."

Aphrodite: *frowns* "Scribe, you're wearing a bra. What up with
that? Joxer, quit blushing. All I did was say 'bra'. I didn't ask
her why she has her tits tied up."

Bliss: *who has appeared on Scribe's lap* *leans back* "Don't squish
as nice."

Scribe: *spit* "I love you, cherub, but turn sideways, so I don't
get the wings right in the face. Mom, don't start backing till you
quit hyperventilating. We don't want to back off into the ditch."

Mom: "Fannie, I want an explanation." *everyone stares at her* *Bliss
flaps his wings and gives her a sweet smile* "On second thought, no I
don't." *backs out and heads for the store*

Scribe: "What on earth are all you guys doing here at once?"

Aphrodite: "We're bored." *shakes finger at Scribe* "It's your own
fault! You finished Seeking Balance, and you've been dragging your
feet on Mine's Better Than Yours 2."

Scribe: "I did a chapter of Unexpected not too long ago."

Joxer: "Which made life interesting for Hercules and Iolaus, which is
why they aren't here."

Scribe: "I shouldn't complain. At least I didn't get the entire
Pantheon." *eyes shift in the backseat* "Guys..."

Cupid: "Not the ENTIRE Pantheon, but I can't be entirely sure who
will and won't show up at our destination. I had to agree to bring
Xena and Gabby, too, or Xena would have started smashing temples
again."

Scribe: "Why do I have the feeling that if Xena lived today she would
have been one of the kids who snuck in and vandalized the high
school? So, Xena and Gabby will meet us there?"

Strife: "Xena will. Gabby was interested in what sorta
transportation ya used these days, so I agreed ta bring her with us."

Scribe: *examines the group in the back seat* "Did we leave her
behind?"

*loud thumping and cursing from trunk*

Strife: "Not exactly..."

Scribe: "Drive fast, Mom."

Strife: "Aw..."

Scribe: "Strife, it's August in Southeast Texas. We don't leave our
pets in the car INTERIOR for even five minutes."

Strife: "Aw..."

Scribe: "Picture Xena's reaction if we show up with Gabby in heat
exhaustion."

Strife: "Step on it, Mom."

*car pulls into parking lot of Market Basket #555* *And yes, that's a
fake number, like they do for telephone numbers in the moview or tv.
Do you think I want to get sued?* *Mom pulls up to the front,
stopping in front of the handicapped ramp*

Scribe: "All out. Mom, pop the trunk."

Mom: "I'll be back in about an hour to pick you up. And Scribe?
Remember what I told you when you were a child about inviting people
to dinner, or to spend the night?"

Scribe: "Check."

*everyone gets out* *Gabby climbs out of trunk, saying a few very
colorful things* *Mom drives off, with only a LITTLE squealing of
tires*

Cupid: "What did she tell you about inviting people to dinner or to
spend the night?"

Scribe: "That if I asked her if I could in front of the proposed
guest without clearing it with her first, I was in dire danger."
*Gabby stalks up, opening her mouth* "Before you say anything, tell
me how you managed to fit that damn staff in the trunk?"

Gabby: "Damned if I can tell. All I know is that Xena was
saying 'I'm going, and that means you have to pack Gabby along, too',
and it went black and stuffy."

*everyone looks at Strife* *Strife shrugs*

Strife: "Ya know how I am about bein literal."

*Gabby aims a bonk at his head* *he ducks* *Cupid grabs the end of
the staff and glares at her*

Scribe: "Gabby, unless you want Xena to end up with the sex drive of
a Tibetian monk, while you have the urges of an oversexed cat in
heat, I'd cool it." *looks around* "You said something about others?"

*FLASH* *FLASH* *FLASH* *FLASH* *FLASH*

Scribe: *blink* *sigh* "Hi Xena, Ares, Apollo, Eris, Autolycus...
Wait a minute." *points* "I'm supposed to take the King of Thieves
into any sort of store?"

Auto: "Please. Do you honestly think I would lower myself to steal
mere groceries?"

Scribe: "Sure--to keep in practice, if nothing else."

Eris: "Don't worry--I'll take care of it. Auto?"

Auto: "Mistress?"

Eris: "Steal anything and I'll gut you."

Scribe: *whispers to Joxer* "I thought they were lovers?"

Apollo: *whispers* "They are, but you'd be surprised at what I can
heal when I get going, and Eris knows that. But evisceration smarts
like the dickens, so I think Auto will probably behave."

Xena: "Gabby, why are you sweating so much?"

Gabby: "Well, let me tell you..."

Scribe: "Shut up and I'll post one of your poems on my website. It
will be available to the entire electronically enabled world."

Gabby: *thoughtful* "Is that a lot?"

Scribe: "I forget the exact statistics, but it's in the double-digit
millions."

Gabby: *to Xena* "I got this way thinking about you, Hot Stuff."

Scribe: "The sacrifices I make to keep the peace."

Joxer: "Tell me about it."

Ares: "Where are the guns?"

Scribe: "Say what?"

Ares: "Joxer told me that around here your people can carry guns,
like in the Old West. That's why I came. I wanted to see people
going decently armed."

Scribe: "Um, that's not EXACTLY how it is. Though I'm pretty sure if
you opened up all the hand bags and glove compartments, you could
come up with a decent arsenal." *raises voice, nodding at a little
old lady who is passing by* "Hiya, Mrs. Hebert."

Mrs. Hebert: "Oh, hello, dear! We're missing you at church."

Scribe: "Tell everyone I'm doing fine. Say, do you still have that
Smith and Wesson Mr. Hebert gave you for your golden wedding
anniversary?"

Mrs. Hebert: *pats handbag* "Don't leave home without it." *eyes
Ares and Strife suspiciously* "Never know what you might run into.
I made ten bulls eyes at the shooting range last week."

Eris: "I like her."

Scribe: "Give him a hug for me. Nice to see you. I need to get
shopping now."

Mrs. Hebert: "Take care, dear. Scream loud if you need anything--
I'll just be in the next store on the strip." *she leaves*

Autolycus: "You know some interesting people."

Scribe: "Hey, no one ever said that insanity was limited to the
fictional universe. Let's go get a cart."

*Everyone enters the store*



Title: Grabbin' Groceries with Xena, 2/?
Author: Scribe
Fandom: Xena
Pairing: Implied only
Rating: R
Summary: The shopping expidition progresses--slowly.
Archive: Mailing Lists, WWOMB, AJCS Archive, and others ask.
Feedback: poet77665@catlover.com
Status: WIP
Sequel/Series: Not exactly. It's sort of a spiritual mate to such
things as Spinnin' The Dial With Xena, and Multiplexin' With Xena
Disclaimer: I did not create the characters here, I don't own them.
I derive no profit from this effort. I mean nothing but respect for
the creators, owners, and the actors and actresses who portray them.
Websites: http://www.angelfire.com/grrl/scribescribbles and
http://www.angelfire.com/grrl/foxluver
Warnings:
Notes: Dani put up a sorta challenge on the AJCS list, about how
Strife might react to modern food. Credit to Erin for the idea of
Bliss and the mechanical horse, and we're not quite done with it
yet. :)

Grabbin' Groceries With Xena, 2/?
By Scribe

Part Two

*Inside the store*

Bliss: *points* "Daddy! Horsie sta'chu."

Cupid: "Wow, they painted it, too. Not bad."

Scribe: "Ah, nostalgia. That's a mechanical horse."

Joxer: "Mechanical?"

Scribe: "I'll show you. Has Bliss ever ridden a horse?"

Apollo: "I've let him ride around on some of mine occasionally."

Scribe: "Good. Someone heft him up on it."

Joxer: "People won't mind? I mean, usually climbing on a statue can
get you in trouble. I speak from experience."

Scribe: "Trust me. It's expected."

*Cupid lifts Bliss into the saddle* *Bliss quickly grabs the reins
and kicks*

Bliss: "Giddap!* *giggle* *Scribe drops a quarter in the slot of the
money box* *the horse starts to rock back and forth* *SQUEAL!*

Cupid: "SON!"

Strife: *grabs Cupid's arm* "Chill. It's runnin in place. Scribe,
wha tha fuck?"

Joxer: "I keep telling you people that she's a goddess."

Scribe: "It's not magic. Anyone with a quarter can do it." *Strife
has been eyeing the gumball machines near the door* *he whispers to
Scribe* "I swear. I hope when people ask Cupid how many kids he
has, he includes you in the count.* *She fishes in her purse, and
hands him some coins* *Strife giggles as he heads for the machines,
and Joxer follows him* "Having fun, Bliss?"

Bliss: "Yeeee-ha!"

Scribe: *blink* "The boy has some Texan in him." *the pony stopped
moving*

Bliss: *kicked heels* "Go 'gin."

Scribe: "Sorry, but I'm out of quarters."

Ares: "Those things that look like anemic dinars? I thought I saw a
handful of them in your purse when this thing started."

Scribe: *points* "They were commandeered."

*everyone looks* *Strife is pulling his hair into bangs, if you can
imagine that* *Joxer is TRYING to chew.* *His cheeks bulge, and there
are bright blue dribbles coming from the corners of his mouth* *a
passing redneck does a double-take*

Redneck: "Son, WHAT are you dippin'?"

Joxer: "Ssth uh-um."

Redneck: "Gotta remember to avoid that one." *hands Joxer a styrofoam
cup* "I'd spit it out if I was you. That shit CAN'T be good for
you. Stick to Copenhagen or Red Man." *walks off*

Ares: "Joxer, what the hell? You look like a chipmunk who's been
eating Smurfs."

Scribe: "Strife, how many giant gumballs did you give him?"

Strife: "Just two. Ain't my fault he tried ta chew 'em both at once."

Ares: "Joxer, you might be immortal now, but let me remind you that
choking is STILL uncomfortable, and it would piss me off if you did.
Now, if that happened, I'd want to kill Strife. Cupid would get all
defensive, and we'd have a feud between Love and War. Do you REALLY
want to have to go through the shit you'd have drawing up a seating
plan for the next family gathering?"

Joxer: *spits huge wad of gum into cup* "That stuff just doesn't
dissolve, does it?"

Scribe: "Nope. And Strife, I refuse to believe YOU didn't get
something out of this, too--besides a mischief energy boost, I mean."
*Strife lifts his bangs* "Skull and crossbones. Nice."

Cupid: "STRIFE!"

Scribe: "Don't worry, Cupid. It's a stencil. Get Dite to lend you
some cold cream when you get home."

Bliss: *kickkick* "Go 'gin!"

Cupid: *lifts Bliss down* "Scribe said she doesn't have the magic
token needed to make it go, Bliss. You'll just have to be patient."

Bliss: "Ha."

Scribe: "I'm not sure I like that." *Strife giggles* "Now I'm SURE I
don't like it. Let's get going on this. I want to get you guys out
of here before someone calls the men with the white coats."

Joxer: "Pharmacists?"

Scribe: "I'm sure that people will think that drugs are involved--or
that *cough* medication SHOULD be involved." *she tries to disengage
a basket from the rack* *she has about as much luck as most people
do* *rattlerattle* "Damn!"

Autolycus: "Allow me." *touch* *cart pulls out smoothly*

Scribe: "I haven't seen anything like that since Fonzie's last
appearance on Happy Days."

Auto: *shrug* "Being able to untangle things quickly is a handy
skill. Saves time when you're emptying out jewel boxes and such."

*Strife is reaching for a cart*

Scribe: "No, you don't. I know you--you'll be challenging people to
drag races."

Strife: "Ya need ta get away from this place more, Toots. Yer ass
tightens back up when yer here." *Strife eyes heaped displays of
fruits and vegetables* "Alla this, an' not a chariot chase in sight."

Scribe: "Let's see... Bananas. Yep. Lettuce. Uh-huh.
Tomatoes... STRIFE! Don't you DARE throw that tomato at Gabrielle."

*Strife puts tomato back*

Strife: "Yer right. It wasn't ripe enough ta splat properly."

*The sound of thunder comes over the PA system. Lights flash over
the ranks of produce, and sprinkler jets come on, misting the product*

Xena: "Which one of you is using their power? We shouldn't draw
attention to ourselves..."

Aphrodite: "Coming from a woman wearing nothing but leather and
metal, with a sword on her hip..."

Xena: "Said the woman dressed like... like... You know, I'm not sure
I can term what you almost have on as 'dressed'."

*a redneck is passing* *No, I don't know if it's the same one, or a
different one* *Just a generic redneck* *don't give me
that 'stereotype' nonsense* *Hey, I can make fun of my own kind*

Redneck: *whistles* "Hey, sweet thang. Didn't I tuck a dollar in
your thong last weekend at the Foxy Lady?" *Aphrodite giggles*

Ares: "Watch it. That's my sister."

Aphrodite: "And mother of his child."

Redneck: *blinks* "Too Southern Gothic for me." *leaves*

Scribe: "Will you people stay calm and let me get on with this?
Let's see... Onions. You can never have too many onions. I
think... cabbage."

Strife: "Yah! Nature's stinkbomb."

Scribe: "I'm alone most of the day, so what do I care? BLISS! Put--
that--down." *gets Wet-Wipe out of her purse* "And someone clean his
hands." *Cupid accepts the wet nap and starts to clean Bliss*

Bliss: "But my daddies WANT me to eat green stuff."

Scribe: "Not jalapenos."

Strife: "Tha things on nachos?" *Scribe nods* "Scrub, Cupie--scrub."

Scribe: "Okay, if I want to make gumbo later this week, I'd better
get green onions, too..." *clerk clears his throat pointedly* "Yes?"

Clerk: *points* "Are these people with you?"

*Scribe looks* *Strife is feeding grapes to Cupid*

Scribe: *sighs* "My grandmother had twelve kids. I'm getting some
idea of what it must've been like for her. Yes, they're with me.
Tell you what, I'll give five dollars to cover whatever gets eaten in
produce, and I'll put any empty containers in my basket and pay for
it at check out. Deal? Believe me, it'll be a lot easier than
trying to explain to them why they can't, and a lot safer than trying
to have them arrested."

Clerk: "Uh... okay. As long as everything gets paid for. But why
would it be hard to explain to them?"

Scribe: "They think they're gods, and they're used to total
adoration, and being given anything they want."

Clerk: "Oh--football players. Okay." *leaves*

Scribe: "Look, people, I know it's hard not to laugh when I mention
the word 'budget' in relation to my finances, but honestly--try not
to scarf down more than twenty or thirty dollars worth of stuff,
please? The government sends one check a month, and that has to last
me."

Eris: "Tell whoever's in charge of the disbursement that Jett, King
of Assassins is warm for your form, and he'd be happy to eliminate
anyone he thought wasn't being generous to his sweetie."

Scribe: "I'd rather not. I'd look awful in a bright orange zip up
jump suit. The lunchmeat is right at the end of this aisle."

Apollo: *pulls package off rack and examines it* "What on earth is
bologna?"

Scribe: "That's a question we ALL ask ourselves. Put it back."

Strife: *waving a pepperoni log around crotch level* "Yo, Cupie.
Remind ya of anythin?"

Scribe: "We're all going to get arrested, despite that deal with the
clerk. Put that down. People are supposed to EAT that."

Strife: "I could say somethin about that, but ya might go upside my
head."

Scribe: "You're so right. I want some boudain."

Gabby: "And that would be?"

Scribe: "Another mystery, but a much tastier, and less scary one.
Okay, here's the bread aisle."

Joxer: "Look! See through paper! Hey, these loaves are already
sliced."

Scribe: "You have to pay extra in the bakery section for an unsliced
loaf."

Ares: "They charge you extra for NOT performing a service?" *Scribe
nods* "You're entire world is insane."

Auto: "For Olympus' sake, no one tell Salmoneous about this."

Scribe: "No, Bliss, don't open that! I'd have to buy it for sanitary
purposes, and I don't like that brand. Uh... Here!" *grabs box off
shelf and opens it* "Little Debbie Cakes. You'll like them.
There's enough in the box to pass around, and these are from
Independence Day last month, so they're marked down. That's value."
*everyone munches Stars and Stripes Brownies* *Scribe carefully
deposits empty box in cart* *they turn the corner* *Scribe heads for
the next aisle over*

Gabby: "Wait--aren't you going to go down this aisle?"

Scribe: "What's on it?"

Gabby: "Canned fruits and vegetables." *Scribe stares* "Right."

Scribe: "You can grab me a big bottle of Cranberry Juice cocktail. I
sort of like the taste, and you never can tell when you'll need to
freshen your kidneys up."

Gabby: "I SO didn't need to hear that."

Scribe: "Consider it payback for the last of your poems I sat
through."

Gabby: "You've never listened to one of my poems."

Scribe: "Put it on account."

*Apollo has found the sunglasses display* *He's got a pair of faux
Raybans on*

Apollo: "What do you think?"

Scribe: "Honey, I'm Southern. After seeing Cool Hand Luke, I hardly
think anything other than mirrored sunglasses on a man are
worthwhile."

Apollo: *tries on mirrored aviator style glasses* "I see what you
mean. I look hot. Of course, I look hot all the time. Would
you...?"

Scribe: "Am I going to have to send you all home with souvenir shot
glasses and T-shirts with armadillos on them, too? I can't afford
it."

Xena: "What's this aisle, and why are we passing it?"

Scribe: "That's the baking aisle. I'm not going down it because at
my present stress level it isn't safe for me to expose myself to bags
of chocolate chips and jars of marshmallow fluff." *Grabs Strife by
the nape of the neck as he tries to run into the aisle.* "No way. It
also contains a huge variety of boxed cake mixes."

Xena: "Boxed cake mixes?"

Scribe: "You add water and an egg, maybe some oil, and smack it in
the oven. Bang. Cake."

Apollo: *blink* "No grinding, measuring, sifting, separating,
whipping?"

Scribe: "Nope."

Apollo: *Takes box off shelf and looks at it* "So this woman on the
box is your world's Goddess of the Hearth?"

Scribe: "No, not Betty Crocker. I'm pretty sure that Martha Stewart
has that position mapped out for herself."

Strife: "Hestia will be so pissed."

Ares: "You don't need to sound so hopeful when you say that."

Scribe: "Nothing I need down that aisle. I already have Splenda and
Sweet 'n Low at home, and no, I'm not going to try to explain those
to you all. Wait... I DO need a bottle of Wesson oil."

Strife: "I'll get it! C'mon, Cupie..."

Ares: *grabs Strife, like Scribe did* "As if we'd let you near Cupid
and oil of any kind."

Strife: "Yer no fun." *Ares points at Bliss* *Bliss stickes his
thumb in his mouth and regards Strife* "Yah, all right. But this
place is givin me ideas."

Cupid: "Like you need to be GIVEN ideas."

Strife: "You are SO nailed when we get home."

Scribe: "You guys give me hope. Okay, next aisle. Magazines, cards,
candles... Um, yeah. Mom's out of scented candles. She put up with
you guys without having a screaming fit--she deserves a gift."

*They enter the aisle*



Title: Grabbin' Groceries with Xena, 3/?
Author: Scribe
Fandom: Xena
Pairing: Implied only
Rating: R
Summary: Further into the wilds of an East Texas grocery store with Scribe and
the Xena gang.
Archive: Mailing Lists, WWOMB, AJCS Archive, and others ask.
Feedback: poet77665@catlover.com
Status: WIP
Sequel/Series: Not exactly. It's sort of a spiritual mate to such things as
Spinnin' The Dial With Xena, and Multiplexin' With Xena
Disclaimer: I did not create the characters here, I don't own them. I derive no
profit from this effort. I mean nothing but respect for the creators, owners,
and the actors and actresses who portray them.
Websites: http://www.angelfire.com/grrl/scribescribbles and
http://www.angelfire.com/grrl/foxluver
Warnings:
Notes: Dani put up a sorta challenge on the AJCS list, about how Strife might
react to modern food.

Grabbin' Groceries With Xena, 3/?
By Scribe

Part Three

*Scribe and the gang move into the greeting cards and miscellaneous aisle*

Joxer: "What are all those brightly colored pieces of paper?"

Scribe: "Greeting cards."

Joxer: "Cards just to say hello?"

Scribe: "Cards to congratulate people for things like birthdays, anniversaries,
to cheer them up when they're sick... and just for the heck of it."

Xena: "Sounds like something Salmoneous would come up with. 'Here--you don't
really need this, but buy it anyway'."

*Auto is picking through the Condolences section*

Auto: "Cupid, they have you on some of these, but your hair is longer."

Scribe: "No, those are angels. Totally different--believe me. Okay, here are
the candles."

Auto: "There are so many different kinds. I can't even identify the suits. How
complicated must your card games be?"

Scribe: "Remind me to tell you of the time I got a Royal Fizzbin." *Scribe
starts sorting through candles* *most of the Xenites wander over to the magazine
rack and start browsing* *And don't ask me how it is that Ancient Greeks can
read English. They spoke it all through the series, didn't they?*

*Xena becomes engrossed in a copy of Field and Stream* *Ares picks up Guns and
Ammo--shock, shock*

*Joxer picks up a tabloid*

Joxer: "Why do they have this big picture of the back of a woman in shorts, with
a red circle around her thighs, and a big arrow pointing to all those dimples?"

Scribe: "Because it makes a lot of women feel better to see their more
successful sisters having physical flaws. Plus it sells well."

Eris: "I don't see anything interesting."

Scribe: "Top shelf, behind the decency screen--Death Metal Divas."

Eris: "Say, that wench on the cover is holding an axe. Cool!"

Apollo: "Look at this dude on... uh, Muscles and Fitness. Damn! Scribe, can I
have this? I want to show Hercules. Hopefully it will give him an inferiority
complex."

Scribe: "Not at these prices. Just show it to the others, then swear them in as
witnesses. Bayberry, Sandalwood, Citrus... Bliss, stop that! What are you
doing?"

Bliss: *spitspit* *makes face* "Smell good, taste ucky."

Scribe: "I'm not surprised. I suppose you could eat tallow or beeswax candles
if you were desperate enough, but... Let me see that candle." *Bliss hands it
over* "Spiced Pear." *sniff* "Hm. I don't blame you, this smells delicious.
I'll have it. I can probably smooth the teeth marks out. And I think I'll have
the Pumpkin Pie one, too. And the Vanilla."

Auto: *to Apollo* "Have you noticed that Scribe is a bit, oh, I don't know--food
fixated?"

Apollo: "I'll pay you to say that to her in front of Jett."

Auto: "There are less painful ways to commit suicide

Scribe: "Okay, we can move on now. Strife?"

Strife: "Yah?"

Scribe: "Take the International Male Catalogue out of the back of your pants.
Get a PO box somewhere in Greece and I'm sure they'll send you one."

*they go down to the end of the aisle, and are confronted by the meat section*
*jaws drop*

Scribe: "What?"

Xena: "Meat. Acres and acres of meat, all kinds." *sniff* "And it doesn't have
that freshly butchered smell they get when they nick the intestines."

Scribe: "Please stop.

Xena: "All this meat neatly cut up, beautifully present, ready to be cooked.
It's..."

Gabby: "Disgusting!" *glares at Scribe* "I bet if you had to butcher the
animals yourself you wouldn't eat meat."

*Scribe pats her on the cheek* *Strife is mouthing 'slap--not pat!'*

Scribe: "That's why God gave us butchers and cellophane. Let's see... There's
a sale on chuck roasts."

Gabby: *shrieks* "WHAT DID CHUCK EVER DO TO YOU MANIACS?"

Scribe: "Xena, control her, or I'm going to tell people she's from New York, and
is here to outlaw chili and bar-b-que."

Xena: "Would that be bad?"

Scribe: "People have disappeared for less."

*the group moves into the Frozen Foods section*

*Bliss, Cupid, and Aphrodite start shivering*

Scribe: "Yeah, well--running around mostly naked can be a disadvantage
sometimes. Cupid, the breakfast cereal aisle is next over. Why don't you take
Bliss and let him pick out a box?"

Cupid: "He isn't much for oatmeal. The last time I tried to serve it, he and
Strife got in a food fight. Do you have any idea how hard that stuff is to get
out of wings?"

Scribe: "Strife, go with them and explain 'pre-sweetened cereal'."

Strife: "Ya really wanna risk tha squirt goin onna sugar rush?"

Scribe: "Don't give it to him now. You can feed it to him when you get home.
Go on. I think he'll sense what the whole thing is about. I don't know any kid
that can't sense Cap'n Crunch or Coco Puffs." *Cupid, Strife, and Bliss head
for the cereal aisle* "Xena, what are you staring at?"

Xena: "What the Tartarus are 'fish sticks'?"

Scribe: "Beloved childhood comfort food. A little ketchup, a little tartar
sauce..."

Ares: "Tartarus sauce? Is that, like, hot sauce?"

Scribe: "No, but that would be an excellent marketing idea for a hot sauce. We
could be sure of a purchase base among Xena/Hercules fans. Anyway, fish sticks
are fish minced up and formed into... sticks. Or maybe planks would be more
appropriate? Nah, sticks--planks would be for fish filets."

Xena: "Let me see those." *Xena opens box*

Scribe: "Ah. Looks like I'm having fish sticks this week."

*Xena stares at fish sticks* *snarl forms*

Xena: "What have they done to you?"

Strife: *pokes head around corner* "Somebody messin with Gabby?"

Scribe: "Fish."

Strife: "Yah, that would be next on tha protected species list." *he's munching
something*

Scribe: "What is that?"

Strife: "Pop Tarts."

Scribe: "I hate you. You're taking any leftovers home, so I don't get tempted,
and remember to bring me the empty box." *he gives the thumbs up and
disappears*

Eris: "I taught him torture, but he's outdone me in the psychological aspects."

Scribe: "They're having a sale on the gourmet diet frozen dinners. I think I'll
indulge in a few."

Joxer: "Diet?"

Scribe: "See, Joxer--they take out most of the fat, and lower the calories."

Ares: "You also get less food." *he points* "That one seems to be a LOT more
expensive than this one."

Scribe: "Because this one is lower fat and calories."

Ares: "They charge you more for giving you less?"

Scribe: "Yes."

Ares: "I'm more and more convinced that Salmoneous is running around somewhere."

Scribe: "Two for six bucks. I'm getting some. I just have to worry about
keeping myself from eating two of them at a time."

Apollo: "Pizza, pizza, pizza, lasagna... All Roman foods."

Scribe: "Italian."

Apollo: "Whatever. Where's the frozen kebabs, moussaka, and baklava?"

Scribe: "Surprisingly enough, there isn't a really big call for frozen Greek
food in South East Texas."

Gabby: "I've been reading boxes over here. It looks like you can fix pancakes,
pastries, french toast, waffles, breakfast sandwiches, and hash browns in a
toaster. What I want to know is, how can people consider these convenience
foods? It's tough, standing over a fire, manipulating those forks so that
things toast evenly without burning."

Scribe: "I'll demonstrate a pop-up toaster for you, as soon as."

Gabby: "As soon as what?"

Scribe: "As soon as I can locate one with the sort of spring they put in all
those that came from the Acme company in the Warner Brothers cartoons. The ones
that can send a slice of toast into orbit. Someone hand me a tub of Cool Whip.
I want to hide it in the groceries before Strife gets back. I'm not sure we
could control him if he sees it and Cupid at the same time."

*clopclopclop*

Joxer: "Wow! Look at all the different desserts! Cake, pie, cobblers, cookies,
pastries. How many calories do you suppose are in just this section, right
here?"

Scribe: "I don't know, but to rival the total you'd have to be either standing
in front of the premium ice cream, or possibly the cooking oil section."

*clopclopclop*

Scribe: "This section is almost as dangerous to a dieter as the 'ready to bake'
section in the refrigeration section.

*clopclopclop* *the others are looking around now*

Scribe: "I could kill those people for coming out with break-apart-and-eat
cookies and brownies AFTER I was diagnosed as diabetic."

*clopclopclopclop* *sounds are coming closer now* *the others are staring at
Scribe, whose forehead has begun sweating*

Scribe: "I mean, when I baked cookies, I might end up with one dozen cookies
from a three dozen cookie recipe."

*CLOPCLOPCLOP*

Scribe: "In other words, I ate more raw than I cooked. Chocolate chip, sugar,
peanut butter. I even at oatmeal cookie dough..."

Joxer: "Scribe, do you hear...?"

Scribe: "Quiet. I'm in denial."

*CLOPCLOPCLOP*

*Strife comes around the aisle, wide-eyed.*

Strife: "Okay, Scribe--first off, I swear I had nothin ta do with this. Not
intentionally, anyway. Y'see, Bliss kept pesterin us ta go back an' ride tha
pony, right? So ta calm him down, we thought there wouldn't be any harm in just
lettin him sit on it, right? Then he got upset cause we couldn't make it go.
An' this little old lady... You can blame HER if ya wanna. Anyway, ya know
that little old ladies can't resist Bliss. She dropped a quarter in fah him,
an' tha ride starts, and then she hasta go an' tell him that if he uses his
imagination he can pretend that this is a real pony. Well, Bliss hasn't really
gotten a hold on his powahs yet, but sometimes with godlings they'll get bursts
of precosciousness..."

Scribe: "Do you mean to tell me that there's a winged Godling of Joy riding a
pony through the aisles?"

*CLOPCLOPCLOP*

Bliss: "Yee-ha!"

*FLAP*

Scribe: *wince* "That flap sounded too big for Bliss." *Strife nods* "Is Cupid
flying?"

Strife: "Not around all these displays. That's sorta, um, tha bonus..."

Scribe: "Oh, lord..."

*Around the corner comes Bliss, seated on a beautiful little miniature paint
pony--or rather paint Pegasus. The wings are speckled, like the coat*

Pony: "Whinny."

Scribe: "Did you say 'ninny'? Normally I'd be upset at being called names, but
I begin to think that bringing this group here might qualify me..."




Title: Grabbin' Groceries with Xena, 4/?
Author: Scribe
Fandom: Xena
Pairing: Implied only
Rating: R
Summary: Further into the wilds of an East Texas grocery store with Scribe and
the Xena gang.
Archive: Mailing Lists, WWOMB, AJCS Archive, and others ask.
Feedback: poet77665@catlover.com
Status: WIP
Sequel/Series: Not exactly. It's sort of a spiritual mate to such things as
Spinnin' The Dial With Xena, and Multiplexin' With Xena
Disclaimer: I did not create the characters here, I don't own them. I derive no
profit from this effort. I mean nothing but respect for the creators, owners,
and the actors and actresses who portray them.
Websites: http://www.angelfire.com/grrl/scribescribbles and
http://www.angelfire.com/grrl/foxluver
Warnings:
Notes: Dani put up a sorta challenge on the AJCS list, about how Strife might
react to modern food.

Grabbin' Groceries with Xena, 4/?
By Scribes

*Scribe looks around*

Scribe: "Where's the nearest corner?"

Joxer: "Why?"

Scribe: "I have the oddest urge to sit in the corner and suck my thumb. Life
was so much simpler when that was all I did."

Gabrielle: *whispers to Xena* "Is she talking about her childhood, or her last
stay in a lunatic asylum?"

*Strife is weighing a bag of frozen brussel sprouts in his hands, judging his
aim at Gabby's head.* *Cupid arrives just in time to make him put the frozen
veggies down*

*Scribe goes over and takes hold of the horsey's bridle, and strokes it's nose*

Scribe: "Bliss? Honey? Sweetie? Baby? Are you TRYING to give Scribe a heart
attack?"

Bliss: "No."

Scribe: "So it just comes naturally. Thought so. Hon, my mind boggles at the
number of health violations, not to mention violations of natural law, that are
being committed in this aisle. Can you turn the horsey back the way he was?"

Bliss: "Um, well, I COULD."

Scribe: "Would you do it for a Klondike bar?"

Bliss: "May-be. What's that?"

Scribe: "Ice cream and chocolate."

*Bliss' arms shoot straight up* *feathers fly*

*rainbow colored FLASH* *Bliss is now sitting on a perfectly normal mechanical
horse--one with wings* *one that is off its stand, and is stranded in the middle
of the frozen foods aisle*

*Scribe lifts him down off the horse, gets a box of Klondike bars out of the
case, opens it, and hands one to Bliss*

Scribe: "Try not to eat it in two bites. Those brain freezes are boogers. Do
any of you guys think you can get that pony reattached where it's supposed to
be?"

Apollo: "Don't look at me. Too much like manual labor."

Dite: *rubbing arms* "I'll go get Heph--he can fix anything. Besides, I need
to get away from here for a minute. I'm freezing my nipples off."

*Pink flash*

Scribe: "Strife, quit trying to sneak a Klondike bar and just TAKE one, okay?"

Strife: "Where's tha fun in that?" *takes ice cream anyway* *pretty soon
everyone but Scribe is eating Klondike bars*

Scribe: "At this rate I'm going to have one of my highest bills, with one of my
emptiest grocery carts.

*red flash* *Heph appears*

Heph: "What are you doing with Dite? She almost hugged me to death, and it was
for body heat, not sex." *looks around* "Oo, artificial cooling devices!"
*Stands on toes, trying to peer over the top* "Where are the workings?"

Scribe: "NO! Please? If you take one of them apart to find out how it works,
they'll never let me shop here again."

Heph: "Oh, all right." *pause* "I'll wait and come back after they're closed.
Dite told me there was a horse to be reattached, and I have to say that's
something I never expected to hear." *Scribe points* "Ah. Okay." *picks up
horse, fitting it under his arm.* "Where do you want it?"

Strife: "I'll show him."

Scribe: "No, you look like you gave yourself a clown smile with chocolate sauce.
Ares, would you? Not only are you neater than the others--the beard works as
camouflage."

Ares: "Why not? C'mon, Joxer. Heph, this way." *They head toward the front of
the store*

Scribe: "I need to get this expedition over with, before we're all arrested.
What's next? Okay, the next aisle has disposable diapers for all ages, and
feminine hygiene products."

Gabby: "What do you mean, 'for all ages'?"

Scribe: "I'd tell you, but it's rather disgusting."

Xena: "What do you mean 'feminine' hygiene products? Pink soap?"

Eris: "Lace washcloths?"

Scribe: "Hoo, boy." *whispers to Xena*

Xena: "Really? Cotton? Doesn't it just fall out of their drawers?"

Scribe: *sigh* *whispers to them* *voice at normal level* "And they have sticky
strips on the back to hold them in place."

Strife: "Dare ya ta explain 'wings'."

Scribe: "Shut up."

Xena: *looks at her like she's crazy* "What happens if you put them in your
underwear backward?"

Scribe: "I wouldn't advise it. And people pay a lot of good money for wax
jobs."

Xena: "What if you don't wear underwear?"

Scribe: "I suppose then you use Tampax?"

Eris: "What are Tampax?"

Scribe: "Well, they're..." *pause* *stares at Xena* "Um, still cotton, just...
shaped different."

Eris: "How do you use them?"

*silence* *Scribe stares at her*

Strife: "I'll pay ya ta tell her."

Scribe: *whispers to him* "Do I LOOK crazy? Like I'm going to tell Eris that
you cram them... I can't even finish that thought."

Strife: "Want me to?"

Scribe: "You want to visit Hades again that badly, just take the ferry over.
It'll hurt less, and leave a smaller mess. I don't need anything here, so let's
toddle on over to the next aisle."

*They enter the next aisle*

Apollo: "Damn. What are all these things?"

Scribe: "Well, that section is shampoos, those are conditioners, those are dyes,
straighteners, permanents. All the styling products--spray, mousse, gel..."

Cupid: "Careful, his eyes are glazing over."

Scribe: "Then here are the skin care products--exfoliates, scrubs, masques,
toners, moisturizers, wrinkle and pore minimizers..."

Apollo: *squeal!*

Strife: "Careful, Scribe. Ya only think we've gotten inta tha products up till
now..."

Scribe: "He IS salivating."

Apollo: *hands outstretched* "Gimmegimmegimme..."

Scribe: "I think I can stop him. Apollo, look! Fake tan!"

Apollo: "WHAT?!"

Scribe: "That did it."

Strife: "Yah. Now, if ya can just persuade him to put down that fireball he's
makin..."





Title: Grabbin' Groceries with Xena, 5/5
Author: Scribe
Fandom: Xena
Pairing: Implied only
Rating: R
Summary: Further into the wilds of an East Texas grocery store with Scribe and
the Xena gang.
Archive: Mailing Lists, WWOMB, AJCS Archive, and others ask.
Feedback: poet77665@catlover.com
Status: WIP
Sequel/Series: Not exactly. It's sort of a spiritual mate to such things as
Spinnin' The Dial With Xena, and Multiplexin' With Xena
Disclaimer: I did not create the characters here, I don't own them. I derive no
profit from this effort. I mean nothing but respect for the creators, owners,
and the actors and actresses who portray them.
Websites: http://www.angelfire.com/grrl/scribescribbles and
http://www.angelfire.com/grrl/foxluver
Warnings:
Notes: Dani put up a sorta challenge on the AJCS list, about how Strife might
react to modern food

Grabbin' Groceries With Xena, 5/5
By Scribe

Scribe: "Apollo, if you toss that fireball, think of all the innocent beauty
care products that will be destroyed! The hair conditioners! The 'all natural
sun streak' applications. The pore minimizers."

Apollo: "Damn." *lets fire ball fizzle*

Strife: *whispers to Cupid* "Dare me ta point out tha sun block tah him?"

Cupid: *whispers back* "No nookie for a month if you do."

Scribe: "Look! Look! Suntan lotion! Special balm to enhance the effects.
Think of it as... as all those sun worshippers anointing themselves for you."

Xena: "She's good--you have to give her credit."

Gabrielle: *humph* "Anybody can kiss ass."

Eris: "You should know. Bet you crib that bit for use later."

Gabrielle: *hides note she was making* "Don't be ridiculous."

*Scribe senses victory, but there are still a few sparks jumping on his palm*
*Someone has hidden a Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Edition in the cart* *Scribe
snatches it, rips off shrink wrap cover* *mutters* "I can't believe I'm going
to pay this much for this thing when they don't give equal space to hot guys in
Speedos." *flipflip* *finds picture of toast colored supermodel wearing not
quiet enough material to make Barbie a bathing suit* "Look!"

Apollo: *smiles* "Yeah."

Scribe: "I think we need to move on. Paper products next."

Gabrielle: *stares at long aisle of paper towels, toilet tissue, and etcetera*
"Oh, gods!" *grabs roll of paper towels and tears it open*

Scribe: "Hey! I expect that sort of shit from Strife or Bliss, but I thought
you were into respecting property, and... Are you writing on that?"

Gabrielle: *babbling* "It just unrolls! It's the biggest scroll EVER! It's a
little spongy, but I'm sure I could figure something out."

Scribe: *howl*

Strife: "Wha?"

Scribe: *sniff* "I just remembered a Bobby Bare song. A no good husband comes
home to find his wife has cleared out." *sings* "She--left--a--bathroom tissue
paper letter hangin' on the wall. It said I've had enough of this, and you can
have it all. I'm takin' what good sense I've got and leavin' you behind--and
you can take this letter--and wipe me from yore mind."

Strife: *HOWL!*

*Everyone else but Cupid is looking blank* *Cupid is snickering*

Auto: "You understood that?"

Cupid: "It's an interdimensional thing. We've visited Scribe more than you guys
have. Think about it. Toilet--tissue. Soft paper?"

Everyone: "Ohhhh."

Ares: *Has just returned* "Yeah, pretty appropriate for Gabby's writing."
*Scribe is tossing a twelve pack of toilet tissue into the cart* "You have three
people living at your place, right? What the hell are you eating?"

Scribe: "It isn't as if it's going to spoil if we don't use it fast enough.
Besides, this is one thing you DON'T want to risk running out of."

Strife: "Why dintcha say somethin? I'll bring ya all tha ones I steal from
public terlets."

Scribe: "I knew there had to be a reason... Okay, but not the kind that's close
to those waxed paper napkins they used to hand out at barbeque joints. What
else do I need here? Ah. Plastic wrap..."

Strife: "Kinky bondage sex aid."

Scribe: "You watched Fried Green Tomatoes, didn't you?"

*Flash*

Aphrodite: "Kinky weight loss aid. You sweat like a pig, and it's a LOT cheaper
than those diet suits."

Heph: *comes back, dusting his hands* "Can be a bit tricky to remove, though.
The one time she tried it, she lost two pounds, but she passed out before I
could get it off her. Shit twists into something resembling nylon rope. By the
way, the horse is reattached."

Scribe: "That's all you did--reattach it, right?"

Heph: "Well..."

Scribe: "It isn't going to fly, is it?"

Heph: "No, no. It won't do anything a regular horse wouldn't. I just sort
of..." *There is a yell* *Everyone looks around in time to see someone soar into
sight near the front of the store, then drop down* *splat* *laughter--luckily*
"I just souped it up a little."

Scribe: "Go. Fix. Now."

Heph: *shrug* *heads toward front* *mutter* "They seem to like it."

Scribe" *yells* "Three words--personal injury suit! I better get us out of
here. Next aisle--pet food."

*Everyone stares at the huge selection of boxes, bags, and cans*

Gabrielle and Aphrodite: *squeal!* "Kitty pictures!"

*Ares, Xena, and Eris do synchronized eye rolls*

Ares: *toes 25 lb. Bag of dog food* "Why do they need this? I just let the war
hounds feed themselves, most of the time. It's cheap, and it really cuts down
on the number of intruders, I can tell you."

Scribe: "You've never encountered a Jehovah's Witness or Mormon, have you?"

Ares: "A what?"

Scribe: "Never mind. Somebody heft that 15 lb. Bag of cat food into the under
carriage."

Joxer: "I will." *oof* *wrestle*

Ares: "He's so cute when he's being macho and courtly."

Joxer: "Say, Scribe--don't you have a cat AND a weenie dog?"

Scribe: "Yes."

Joxer: "So, where's the dog food?"

Scribe: "I used to buy both kinds, but the cat ate the dog food, and the dog ate
the cat food, and the cat wasn't getting enough nutrition, so I said screw it.
They both get cat food. *shrug* "Inga hasn't started purring yet, and she dang
sure isn't getting skinny on it."

Auto: "Couldn't that have... odd effects?"

Scribe: *thinks* "Well, Inga was already humping Simon before the diet change."

Strife: "Oo! An oldah woman/youngah man cross species femmedom relationship!"

Ares: "Could we expect less from Scribe's pets?"

Scribe: "All that's left is dairy, soda, and snacks. Before we go near the
coolers--Strife..."

Strife: "Yah?"

Scribe: "If you throw any eggs, or drop a jug so you can say something about
spilt milk, I'm going to write you into a het fiction with Gabby."

Strife: *yelp!*

Cupid: *hugs trembling husband* *sternly* "Scribe, there's no need to be
vicious."

Gabrielle: "Hey! Wait... Me and Strife...? *yelp!* *plasters self to Xena*

Xena: *sigh* "Terrific." *patpatpat*

Scribe: "Just so everyone knows I mean business. You got any idea how slippery
eggs are? Haven't I broken enough bones for one lifetime?" *they cruise dairy
aisle* "Yogurt..."

Eris: "I always thought thst crap was a mistake."

Scribe: "This isn't like what you're used to. It's not the plain kind. It's
more of a dessert now. Look at all the flavors--every fruit you can imagine.
Then they have the interesting flavors==Boston Cream Pie, Key Lime Pie, Coconut
Cream Pie..."

Strife: "No chocolate?"

Scribe: "Never ran into it, though it would make sense. I mean, there are a lot
of desserts out there that use sour cream and chocolate together. Pina
Colada..."

Strife: "Yowza!"

Scribe: "Non-alcoholic."

Strife: "Crap."

Scribe: "I need some 2$ milk."

Joxer: "What's the other...?" *starts counting on fingers*

Ares: "Ninety-eight per cent."

Joxer: "Ninety-eight per cent?"

Scribe: "I'm not explaining this. My feet hurt, and I want to get this over
with. Oo..." *longing stare*

Cupid: *flap* "Oo. I'm getting a lust vibe from you. What are you looking at,
Scribe?"

Xena: *looks* "The prepared baked goods section?"

Cupid: *nods wisely* "Packaged cookie dough. That explains it."

Scribe: "It's not fair. It was bad enough when I was young, and they just had
slice and back chocolate chip and sugar cookies. But now that I'm diabetic,
they have the damn break apart cookies and BROWNIES!" *stomps away*

Strife: *whispers* "I'm goin back an' gettin her that box of Russell Stovah
Sugar Free Chocolates I saw." *disappears*

Scribe: "Sodas, sodas."

Bliss: *comes forward lugging a 2 liter of Diet Pepsi* "I on'y dwopped it two
times."

Scribe: *sweetly* "Thank you, honey." *under breath* "Someone get that, and
point it away from me. And Joxer, Strife--I read TW's Winn-Dixie story. I'm
going to need... What's the price on those? Ah, sale! 99 cents each. Get me
a half dozen."

Ares: "When's the next time you can talk your mother into bringing you back
here."

Scribe: "Make that a dozen. I have people to carry it in, this trip. Snag a
couple of 12 packs of the Sunkist Diet Orange, and a couple of the Diet Canada
Dry Ginger Ale 2 liters, too."

Xena: *perks up* "Ale?"

Scribe: "We're not walking out through the beer section. Last, but certainly
not least--snacks."

Cupid: "Otherwise known as Strife's Pregnancy Supply Section."

Scribe: "Unsalted mixed nuts. Dammit, why can't they have the premium mix
without salt?"

Joxer: "You want them without salt? I love salt on nuts." *Ares starts to say
something*

Scribe: "So help me, if you make a crack about oral sex and sweat, I'll hit you
with this can." *Ares closes his mouth*

Cupid: *whispers to Strife* "Three people can shut him up like that--Mom, Joxer,
and Scribe."

Strife: "Notice that all of 'em have a major hold on his love life."

Scribe: "Lays Wavy chips, Tostitos... um... What the hell. Cheetos, crunchy
kind. Honey Barbecue Fritos. Popcorn."

Gabrielle: "You shouldn't east so many starches."

Scribe: "I only let two people tell me that--my doctor, and my Mom. There ain't
no MD after your name, and you didn't go through labor to bring me into this
world, so shut up. Okay, this should do it for a couple of weeks."

Strife: *snort*

Scribe: "Okay, okay--I'll shoot for ten days. To the registers! Time to wear
out the plastic a little more."

*Everyone troops up to the front* *Scribe gets in line*

Scribe: *Strife is reaching for a candy bar* *Scribe slaps his hand* "Hands off
the impulse items."

Strife: "Scribe, do ya remembah who I am?"

Scribe: "One." *snatch* *crinkle* "Cupid, keep him from cramming the whole
thing in his mouth at once. I'm not up on the Heimlich maneuver."

*The others have picked up tabloids*

Dite: "That Britney chick is getting married AGAIN?"

Eris: "Seems there was a copycat assault, mimicking someone named... Who's
Lorena Bobbit?" *Scribe whispers to her* "Oh, I LIKE her!"

Ares: "Face of Satan forms in smoke rising over Iraq battlefield." *snort*
"Upstart."

Joxer: "Hey, a correspondence school for mercenaries. Ares, could I...?"

Ares: "No. Do they give a name for the person who runs that school?"

Scribe: "Are you kidding?"

Ares: "I just want to disembowel him."

Scribe: "I'm sure a lot of people do. That's why they use post office boxes."

Apollo: "Diet of vinegar, honey, mangos, and tiger nuts cures cancer. Why
didn't anyone tell me this?"

Scribe: "Yeah, and it's not my fault I'm over weight, either. It's hormones."

Gabrielle: *sanctimonious voice* "You have to realize that if it isn't
glandular, if want to lose weight you'll have to eat less and exercise more.
There is no..."

Scribe: "You'd think someone who considers themselves a master communicator
would understand the concept of 'sarcasm'."

Auto: "They're offering genuine diamond necklaces at a ridiculously low price."

Scribe: "The key word is 'ridiculous'. See that little symbol right after the
word 'genuine'?" *Auto nods* "It's called a copyright symbol. I'll explain it
to you some day."

Cupid: "Twenty-secrets to great romance." *muttermuttermutter* "Well, duh. Can
you say 'obvious'?"

Bliss: "Daddy? What's a 'maphrodite?"

Cupid: "Since when did you get that good at reading? You remember why I
wouldn't let you go swimming in that little spring your cousin Hermie swam in?"
*Bliss nods* "Remember Hermie screaming like a girl when you walked in while he
was changing clothes?" *Bliss nods* "Remember all the questions you asked after
that?"

Bliss: "Yep. I still don' unnerstand."

Cupid: "That's okay. You don't need to just yet."

*Strife has his chin on the counter, watching the checker swipe items over the
laser reader*

*beepbeepbeepbeepbeepbeep*

Strife: "Suckah flashes red. Cool."

Scribe: "I just hope it doesn't flash my bank account into the red."
*chkachkachka* "And the total is..." *blinkblinkblink* "Are you sure about
that?"

Cashier: "Just a second." *checks* "Oh, you're right--I made a mistake. I
missed that bag of cat food." *beep* *chkachka* "There."

Scribe: *gasp*

Strife: "Catch 'er!" *Strife, Cupid, Apollo, and Ares all grab*

Scribe: *slaps at hands* "Stop it! Being groped by all you guys isn't going to
lower my blood pressure. It just startled me. Criminey."

Ares: *pulls a pouch off his belt* "This is on me. It's damn sure been worth
it for an afternoon's amusement." *hands over pouch*

Cashier: *opens pouch* "This isn't American currency."

Scribe: *peers at contents* *whistles* "Sugar, do you know how little silver is
in American coins these days, and what silver is going for per ounce now?"

Man Behind in Line: "Can I see those?" *takes a couple of coins out of bag*
*sniffs* *examines* *licks* *pulls out wallet* "I'll pay the grocery bill in
exchange for these."

Cashier: "Really? Okay. Are they really worth anything?"

Man: *clears his through* "I might clear a profit."

Ares: "I have a sneaking suspicion. What's your name?"

Man: "Name's Sal--Sal E. Meauxneous. Excuse me." *hurries away, clutching
dinars, chortling.

Cashier: "What kind of a name is that?

Scribe: "Greek, by way of coon ass."

*They exit the store* *In true fanfiction timing, Mom is just backing up to
park*

Scribe: "Start loading it in the trunk."

Strife: "But where's Gabby gonna ride?"

Scribe: "Most of y'all are gonna have to just flash on home from here. One or
two of you big guys can come along to help ferry groceries into the house."

Gabrielle: "Send me and Xena back. I want to get started writing."

Mom: *whispers to Scribe* "Dear, why is that odd woman hugging that roll of
paper towels?"

Scribe: "Long story, Mom."

Eris: "I'll take 'em. I wanna get Auto home." *she's flipping a box of Saran
Wrap* "I want to try something."

*FLASH* *FLASH* *FLASH* *FLASH*

Mom: "You're friends come and go a bit abruptly."

Heph: "I need to go back in and check..."

Scribe: "Dite--"

Dite: "C'mon, sweetie." *giggles* "I'll give you something to tinker with."

*FLASH* *FLASH*

Cupid: "Scribe, I hate to rush off, but Bliss is about to fall asleep, and
Demeter doesn't mind watching Impetua, but..."

Scribe: "Go. Hug the green-eyed monster for me."

Strife: "Will do--next time I run inta Alex Krycek." *Cupid swats his ass*
*giggle*

*FLASH* *FLASH* *Flash*

Ares: "I'm not making excuses--I paid for the groceries." *grabs Joxer, who
waves*

*FLASH* *FLASH*

*Apollo smiles at Scribe*

Scribe: "Er..."

Mom: "Scribe, who is this young man?"

Scribe: "He's... uh... sort of a doctor."

Apollo: "I'm the God of Healing."

Mom: *blink* "Well, I've always heard that doctors have healthy egos. Is he
coming home with us?"

*Apollo gives Scribe his best smarmy-charmy smile* *Scribe lifts an eyebrow* *No
fool, Apollo turns to give her a good view of his butt, lifting his toga hem to
show off his legs*

Scribe: "Yeah, he's coming home." *they get in the car* *mutters* "What the
hell--we need a bag boy, and I gotta admit I'm a little curious after dodging
him all through Stranger in a Strange Land. All those Muses can't be entirely
wrong..."

*****

The Next Day

Mom: "How late did that nice Pollo boy stay over?"

Scribe: "Didn't look at the clock, Mom."

Mom: "Did someone come to pick him up? I didn't hear a car."

Scribe: "Nooo."

Mom: "He left on foot?"

Scribe: "I didn't say that. Someone sent a carriage for him."

Mom: *puzzled* "I thought I heard hoof beats, but that was around dawn."

*Scribe whistles innocently as she turns on the radio*

Radio Announcer: "...and in local news, authorities are at a loss to explain an
incident at a local Market Basket. There were no signs of break in, but one of
their upright freezers appears to have been totally disassembled during the
night. The manager was quoted as saying, "Of course we'd like to know what
happened, but we're happy that we'll suffer no financial loss. Whoever did it
was apparently remorseful, as they left a bag of solid silver coins, which will
easily cover the damages. They also asked for a repair manual for one of the
units to be left on the anvil of the nearest forge." Police are treating this
as some sort of prank..."

*mutter*

Mom: "What's that, dear?"

Scribe: "I said I just hope that things get interesting in Greece before
Christmas shopping time rolls around..."

The End

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