Welcome to AresJoxerCupidStrife

Part 1 Part 2 Part 3 Part 4 Part 5

Title: Hera's Lesson
Author: Lisa
Pairing: Not really any, no smut
Status: ??Don't know, if anyone wants more I can think up ways to torture them with Dora the Explorer and extremely loud toy rayguns.
Archive: If you want it,just let me know
Disclaimer: The guys and Hera aren't mine. (The kids and the moody pregnancy attitude are though :) )
Summary: Hera decides the guys need a little lesson. SOmehow that ends up in my kitchen before I've had my coffee. (No one likes me til I've had my coffee, not even the cats) Self-insertion, but if this continues I'll stay in the corner and just let my kids drive the guys nuts.
Notes: My first time posting anything so apologies if this is terrible :) And apologies for the semi-male bashing attitude, pregnant women without enough sleep are grumpy in the morning.

"Oooh-kay. Guys, you've done it. Finally driven me out of my mind" the bleary eyed housewife muttered to herself as a regal looking woman appeared in her kitchen along with 4 men. Two of the men in black leather, the scrawny one of the two...his get-up covered in safety pins. A blonde guy with--wings? Wings..Yeah those were definately wings. The housewife shook her head and looked a third time. Yep. Wings. It was too early for this. The 4th man looked more normal--leather pants and a silk shirt. well, sorta normal if he'd been in a city somewhere, just didn't see leather pants and silk shirts in the boonies.

"You're sane" the strange woman smiled reassuringly.

The Housewife snorted. "Wings? Yeah, sure I'm sane. Nothin wrong with me seeing people appear out of thin air and one of them with wings. Perfectly normal every day occurence--nope, just don't think so And sorry, that one doesn't look like an angel. Fallen angel maybe but nope, not buyin he's an angel."

"I'm Hera"

"Hera?"

"Queen of Olympus"

The housewife shook her head, muttered "Coffee" glared at the bigger one in leather until Hera shooed him out of her way. Geez, even her hallucinations didn't mind and got directly in the path of where she wanted to go.

"Dear, you really should watch your caffeine" Hera looked pointedly at the housewife's stomach.

"I cut down to two cups. I don't function with out my two cups of coffee though" the housewife grumbled. "I'm pregnant, I'm exhausted, I got three hours of sleep and I'm not in the mood for lectures from hallucinations. I'm having my two cups of coffee and I don't really care who doesn't like it."

The housewife sat down at her kitchen table with her coffee, drinking half the first cup slowly in silence. The hallucinations weren't going anywhere. Were they real?

The one with the safety pins was fidgetting badly. "Sit and be still!" the housewife snapped at the fidgety one in a well practiced "Mom's had enough,you'd better not push it or else" voice. Mr. Fidgety Safety-Pins-And-Leather sat--and did a fair approximation of sitting still. (The housewife's oldest child was 7, so Safety-Pins "still" was close enough in her book. Who'd ever seen a child under seven sit still? Not her kids anyway that was for sure.)

"Hera, Huh? Queen of the Gods of Ancient Greece?" the housewife stared, with enough coffee in her to know she was at least awake.

"Yes" Hera smiled and nodded.

"I'm Irish, I'm Catholic, I live in NEBRASKA, and it's the year 2002 AD or CE or whatever the PC letters are--I'd think I'd be pretty well outta your jurisdiction or whaterver. What are you doing in my kitchen at 4 in the morning?"the housewife was clearly not impressed and still not wholly convinced her children hadn't sent her mind round the bend and her decidely odd imagination had taken over reality.

"The boys need to show a littlemore respect for the job of wife and mother and hearth and home and you could use some help for a day so.."

"How the hell are 4 grown men underfoot help?" the housewife asked.

Hera blinked wondering if she hadn't made a mistake. But she had wanted someon who would give the boys what-for and not be impressed by who they were. You didn't get harder to impress than an exhausted pregnant woman with a mild case of insomnia and 4 kids 7 and under.

"I'm the God of War. I think I am more than capable of doing--- whatever you do" the big guy in leather glared.

The housewife, choked, spitting coffee across the table as she began laughing. "You ain't met my monsters yet"

Ares glared. Safetypins giggled.

"Okay he's Ares, the wings there has to Cupid who are you?" the housewife looked at the giggling madman, the 4th man seemed to fade back against the wall, mostly unnoticed.

"Strife"

The housewife glared at Hera "The God of MISCHIEF??!!"

Hera nodded.

"Are you outta yer freakin mind??? My kids are ornery enough without the God of Mischief anywhere near them!" The housewife yelped. SHe could never be crazy enough to imagine a god of mischief anywhere near her little heathens. This had to be real.

Hera blushed, realizing the woman more than had a point. "Strife will be severly punished if he teaches your children any new mischief and I'll erase it from thier minds."

"You ain't messin with my kids heads, lady" The housewife glared lethally.

Ares took a step back waiting for his mother to splatter the mortal woman all over the kitchen. Not even Zeus got away with telling Hera what to do--at least not for long.

Hera however simply smiled, shocking her son, grandsons and Joxer. Hera was the goddess of Childbirth after all, she understood the moodiness of pregnancy. And she was a mother. She had to respect any woman, even mortal, being protective of her children. (How on earth did anyone think any of Zeus's bimbos survive if not for that grudging respect for another mother on Hera's part. Even if she did torture the bimbos and thier brats quite a lot)

Hera's smile turned into a slightly evil grin "I think you and your children will be perfect for teaching the boys a thing or two"

All four men blanched, it was *never* a good thing when Hera got that look on her face. This day was going to be Tartarus on Earth!

Title: Hera's Lesson

Author: Lisa

Status: pt2 of 5 (the kids won't quit)

Pairing: Sorta implied A/J C/S but no smut

Rating: PG (Couple of words while the kids are in the next room)

Disclaimer: The guys and Hera aren't mine. The kids, pregnant attitude, Gomer, Bunny the Psycho Cat, and Mothra the Kitten Menace are (and if anyone wants Bunny and Mothra and I can sneak em away from the kids believe me you can have them) Uhm, Binya Binya Pollywog belongs to whoever owns Gullah Gullah Island (nickelodeon productions I think) Teletubbies and Barney aren't mine, don't want them don't really know who owns them. Bob the Builder, Blue's Clues and Dora the Explorer all belong to Nickelodeon Productions and whoever else owns them if Nick is just "renting" them or only owns part, don't know for sure. If I missed anything, just the kids, the cats and Gomer are mine.

Summary: Hera decides the guys need a little lesson. My kids get the job. I get to play on my computer and giggle to myself while I watch.

Note: Not my kids real names, though really the nicknames of the youngest two. Don't ask me, hubby came up with em and they stuck. :) And honestly my youngest son's pronunciations. You'll see why we encourage him to say "Ucky" instead of "stinky"

Ares stood watching in disbelief as his mother and the housewife sat the rules for the day. The housewife wanted to know what was going to be done about her husband, who was due home from his 12 hour shift shortly. And she had the gall to say "there is no way in hell these clowns are going out in public in this little town---I still have to live here ya know". Ares growled at that. And she demanded a reasonable explination for the guys presence.

Ares didn't think an explination was needed. After all 4 young children would simply accept what they were told, right?

Hera covered the entire area in snow. (Ares growled. That meant Grandma Gaia was likely in on this too for Hera to snow in almost a third of a state, that took a weather or nature goddess and a powerful one) The housewife's husband called--he was staying at a coworker's who lived a few blocks from the plant he worked at. They'd barely gotten that far, there was absolutely no way to make it 30 odd miles in this. A look out the window showed two semis parked outside the housewifes home.

"Uh, just how do the trucks explain us being here?" Strife had to ask.

The housewife looked at him like he was an idiot. Ares growled again, no one but him and maybe Eris if he was feeling generous (she was Strife's mother after all) were allowed to look at Strife like that.

"That much snow, roads will be closed down." the housewife said tiredly. "And if they're not closed, too dangerous for anyone with any sense and no good reason to be on them. You can say you were on your way home for down time. My kids know enough about trucks, they'll buy that. My oldest especially is always tryin to con his Poppa into a ride in his truck."

"I thought your husband worked in a garden" the 4th man spoke up confused. Not being a god he wasn't quite adjusting to the language shift--let alone the 2000 odd years in terminology difference.

"Plant as in factory, make pivots--never mind I'm not explaining irrigation systems. They call *my* dad Poppa and he drives truck. Who are you?" the housewife explained patiently, wondering how such a seeming sweetie ended up in her kitchen with the other three.

"Joxer"

"Never heard of a god named Joxer" the woman frowned trying to place the name.

"I'm not a god, I'm just an immortal Demigod"

"One of my boys" Strife said proudly. "My baby"

The housewife blinked. The thought of Strife with children of his own was a bit hard to process at this hour of the morning. Simply too disturbing.

"How'd you end up here? I get the impression you're a sweetie with brains enough not to have been mixed up in this. The other three--that doesn't warrant even wondering about, but you...."

"He went along with their stupidity" Hera sighed. "They are really a bad influence on Joxer sometimes"

Ares growled. And made a concentrated effort to scowl, not pout when his mother levelled *the look* on him. He was almost 1700 years old (4000 if you adjusted for the little time trip his mother made today) He was far too old to be getting *the look* from his mommy! When was she going to realize that though? When Tartarus froze over no doubt, he thought sullenly.

The housewife decided Joxer could be her cousin, explaining why they were in her house specifically rather than just snowed in in town.

"Your oh so brilliant children hwo need an explination for us being here will buy a made up cousin?" Ares sneered. "They don't know all their relatives on sight?"

"Huge extended families. Heck, I could trip over a few of my cousins and not know who they were cause I haven't seen them since I was a baby. There's a few in California I've never laid eyes on that are somewhere between 15 and 25, my cousins kids actually, but still" the housewife shrugged.

Ares listened in obvious growing disbelief as the housewife out-lined her usual day, but generously said all they had to do was keep tract of the children, feed them, clean up any messes made along the way and keep the house from burning down, falling down or exploding. She showed them how to run the washing machine, dryer, and vacuum as well as the microwave and stove. Ares didn't think the washer, dryer and vacuum were at all necessary, not for being there only one day.

The housewife went through a list of "basics" about her kids. Ares didn't pay a whole lot of attention. Really, how big of difference could it possibly make over who used which color of sippy cup?? Sippy cup was a sippy cup. What difference did color make? Was the world going to end if they got the "wrong" color. Ares was certain the housewife was just trying to scare them, well, the God of War didn't scare that easily.

Hera quickly changed the guys clothes. All four of them were now in work boots, jeans, and sweatshirts or flannel shirts. Cupid's wings were gone, or invisible at least. Four duffel bags of extra clothes were set in the corner of the kitchen on the floor, just in case. Ares snorted, wondering what his mother was expecting.

Hera disappeared from view. The housewife rinsed out her coffee cup, poured some juice in it and left the pitcher on the table suggesting that one of them make up another. The frozen orange juice was in the fridge's freezer.

The housewife settled herself at the computer in the living room. She had a clear veiw of the kitchen from her perch, and could easily hear any disaster's in the kids rooms. Smiling, she turned on the computer. This was going to be a very amusing day. Hera had sworn on the River Styx to repair any damage to the house or appliances and have the house cleaned spotless when she took the guys home after the kids went to bed. (It had taken a bit to convince the housewife of this, but a day of doing nothing was irresistable in the end. Especially with such cute entertainment as the 3 gods and the demigod who thought they were going to be able to handle her kids.)

The youngest, nicknamed Pudge, came into view of the guys in kitchen walking up to his momma at the computer. Cupid grinned seeing the tot. Just about 2 months shy of two with a riot of light reddish-brown curls allover his head, chubby little cheeks and big blue eyes. The little fella reminded Cupe of his boy Bliss quite a lot. Cupid nudged Strife for him to look at the first up of thier charges. The little guy was just too cute.

Strife grinned as well. His grandmother might have blocked his powers for the day but he could still sense mischief. This toddler was *pure* mischief. He was going to give his momma plenty of gray hair before he was done. Maybe even give Ares a gray hair or two before the day was over. The little fella looked oh so sweet and innocent, that was the toddlers greatest weapon. Under all that cute the God of Mischief sensed a kindred soul, wrapped up in a "terrible twos" attitude. Strife liked this kid. A lot.

Joxer thought the tot was one of the most adorable he'd ever seen. Grugdingly, even Ares had to admit the little guy was cute. All four watched closely to see how the littlest one would take to their being in charge for the day.

The housewife smiled at her youngest son. "Momma vacation day. Cousin Jox and his friends are in charge"

The toddler smiled around the thumb in his mouth, understanding what his mother said very well. "Momma Vacation Days" were FUN! Usually they ment Momma went somewhere with Grandma and Daddy was in charge. That meant lotsa messes and lotsa smacks and lotsa FUN! And cartoons all day. Cousins were fun too. Especially boy cousins, they said "no" even less than daddy, who didn't say no unless mommy was making mean faces at him or the thought mommy would get mad when she found out he'd said yes. Pudge looked into the kitchen and decided this was going to be a very good day. He wondered on into the kitchen, thumb in mouth his blankie under his arm and his empty sippy cup in hand.

The housewife grinned and checked her email. Ohh goody, the next part to not 1 but 5 stories she was reading from a couple of mailing lists. Oh yeah, this was going to be a great day, she settled back to enjoy her stories and the show that was just starting.

"EWWWWW!!!! YUH-UHCK!!!! MOOOOOOMMM!!!" her 7 year old's bellow carried through the house signaling ehr other two sons were now up, and likely her oldest had woken his sister with that scream.

So, Ares didn't think they'd need to know how to use the washing machine just to keep up with the kids for one day, did he? He was about to learn otherwise.

Title: Hera's Lesson

Author: Lisa

Status: pt 3 of 5 (the kids won't quit)

Pairing: Sorta implied A/J C/S but no smut

Disclaimer: The guys and Hera aren't mine. The kids, pregnant attitude, Gomer, Bunny the Psycho Cat, and Mothra the Kitten Menace are (and if anyone wants Bunny and Mothra, you can have em just as soon as I sneak em past the kids) Uhm, Binya Binya Pollywog belongs to whoever owns Gullah Gullah Islant (Nickelodeon Productions, I think) Teletubbies and Barney aren't mine, don't want them, don't know who owns them, Bob the Builder, Blue's Clues, and Dora the Explorer all belong to Nickelodeon Productions and whoever else owns them if it isn't Nick completely. If I missed anything, just the kids, the cats and Gomer are mine.

Summary: Hera decides the guys need a little lesson. My kids get the job. I get to play on my computer and giggle to myself while I watch.

Notes: Not my kids real names, though really the nicknames of the youngest two. Don't ask me why, hubby came up with em and they stuck :) And honestly my youngest son's pronunciations. You'll see why we encourage him to say "ucky" instead of "stinky"

"MO-OM!!!" just turned 7 yr old CJ came barreling into the living room wearing a pair of batman Jammies with one soaked arm and soaked leg. "He did it AGAIN!!!"

"Sorry, punkin" the housewife smiled "I'm on vacation. Your cousin Jox got caught in the storm, he and his friends are in charge while they're waiting for the roads to get cleared. Daddy's staying the day at Charlie's probably won't come home til tommorrow after work and schools closed. Go take it up with them" she pointed towards the kitchen.

CJ gave his mother a quick glare, then stomped to the kitchen. 3 year old Bear came further into the living room with a pathetic little hounddog face, big blue eyes brimming with tears, blonde hair sticking up in impossible angles. His footed sleeper pajama's completely drenched. "Dint meanna" Bear said in his soft, so quiet it was hard to understand voice.

The housewife smiled, kissed her slight blonde son on the head. "I know, baby, it was an accident" Bear really didn't suit this child at all, but somehow the nickname stuck, and he was called that more than anything else. "You go on, Jox and the other's will help you get cleaned up" she knew that Bear had heard her explination to CJ

Evidently Marie had, too. Her 5 year old daughter had stalked right past her into the kitchen. The housewife hid a grin. It seemed Marie was in one of her "moods" already. Much as she loved her daughter, there were days it seemed like the housewife was raising a small replica of her mother-in-law (Scarier yet, her husband agreed when Marie got in a "mood" she was his mother all over again) Stuck in the middle of 3 brothers, the housewife supposed Marie's "moody attitude" at times was a good thing, kept the boys from getting the better of her.

"Scream louder next time" Marie snapped at her brother.

"He peed his bed and climbed up in mine and peed all over my bed and me!!" CJ glared at his sister.

"He's THREE! He's been potty trained 2 months! You still wet the bed this summer!" Marie glared "He's a baby"

"Only once!" CJ snarled and began peeling off wet pajama's dropping them smack in the middle of the kitchen floor. (Quick glance over his shoulder, his mom was taking her "vacation" serious. It was official when she didn't shout that he was supposed to put wet pj's in the washer or the bathtub not the kitchen floor)

Strife chuckled. These kids were gonna be a blast. Shoot, *he* might learn something new!

Joxer bit his lip, concentrating. The mop and mop bucket were back by the washing machine. Wet pissy clothes on the kitchen floor--yeah, it had better be mopped, just to be on the safe side. Didn't want Hera getting annoyed further or saying they couldn't keep up with the kids. But which bottle under the sink did the housewife say was for the linoleum? He hadn't been able to see or hear well during the housewife's explinations. Strife had been pinching Cupid's butt so the two of them had been shoving, wiggling, and squirming in his way. Ares had been growling and grumbling in Joxer's ear.

CJ, now clad only in Scooby underwear which were dry--turned and stuck his butt out at his sister and farted loudly.

Strife nearly fell down, he began giggling so hard.

Marie screeched hitting a high note that was just shy of breaking glass and more than capable of rupturing ear drums.

Pudge wasn't paying any attention to his brother and sister. CJ and Marie's go rounds were boring. He finished his study of the four men, deciding on Ares. He walked over to the God of War who was wincing at Marie's shrill screech. He held out his empty sippy cup to Ares, removed his thumb from his mouth long enough to demand "Unge oof"

Bear stood wet and wide-eyed in the archway between the kitchen and living room with his bottom lip trembling.

"You farted on me on purpose!" Marie screeched a second time--the words this time not taking a bit of the edge off the make-your-ears-bleed pitch.

"Did Not!"

"DID TOO!"

"DID NOT!"

"DID TOO!"

"Nobody can fart on purpose!" CJ declared victoriously, changing his tactics.

"You aimed on purpose!" Marie shot back.

"I had to fart!" CJ defended himself (he had no arguement for aiming)

"Yer a---POOPYHEAD PIG!" Marie screeched.

"She called me a poopyhead pig!" CJ's whiny-shout directed at the four men (As if they didn't hear that one screeching on Olympus, Cupid thought his ears nearly ringing)

"Unge oof!" Pudge repeated angrily shaking his empty sippy cup at Ares.

Strife leaned against the wall and slid to the floor, laughing so hard he was struggling for breath. Joxer was looking under the sink trying to remember which bottle was to clean the floor, Cupid picked up the wet pajamas holding them out away from him with his thumb and forefinger and muttered "eww" under his breath.

The oldest two's "Did not" "Did too" battle had deteriorated into name-calling "Whiny-butt girl!" "Jerk" "Stupid" "Big Baby" "Dummyhead"

Pudge was done being patient. "UNGE OOF!" he shouted at Ares, hitting an unawares War God as hard as he could with the empty sippy cup.

Strife was now rolling on the floor.

Cupid had started bathwater on the way back from the laundry/utility room and led the wide-eyed still silent, still piss-soaked Bear back to take a fast bath.

Pudge stalked over to Joxer with his bottom lip stuck out as far as it was possible for a toddler to do. "UNGE OOF!" Pudge demanded again.

Joxer glanced at the arguing older kids, wondering if they knew what unge oof was.

"ENOUGH!!!" Roared Ares, by far not even close to his most dangerous roar, but he had barely caught his breath.

Pudge dropped his sippy cup and began to cry. A second wailing voice came out of the bathroom (The housewife glanced at the little compact mirror Hera had given her. Bear was fine, he'd just been scared by Ares as well. Bear was by far the most sensitive of the kids, easiest to scare or make cry)

"You made my brothers cry!" Marie glared at Ares (who was still on his knees, he'd caught his breath but wasn't up to trying to stand just yet)

Ares was momentarily shocked. Gods, were all females able to do *that glare* from birth? He didn't remember any of his sisters having *that glare* mastered so well at age 5. Of course Athena, Artemis and Dite were all older than him by a lot (though he was not dumb enough to point that out in thier hearing) Eris had been so shy and sweet when they were little, it wasn't until Zeus took a hand in thier "training" that she turned nasty and half psychotic. Hebe to this day couldn't manage a decent glare (that was really *strange* considering she was the daughter of Zeus *and* Hera) None of his other sisters came anywhere near him. Marie's glare was a very eerie approximation of his mother's *look* which generally meant shut up or be prepared to duck fireballs.

"UNGE OOF!" Pudge wailed pathetically, tears streaming down his chubby little cheeks.

"He wants orange juice" CJ translated.

Ares glanced at the clock, the kids hadn't even been up a full ten minutes.

Strife was almost hyperventilating. Ares wondered how much trouble he'd get in for kicking Strife in front of the children. He knew Hera was still somewhere close watching, he decided he'd better not. He was the God of War, he could be patient. But Strife was *so* getting his ass kicked for laughing at Ares the first chance he got.

A little more than an hour later the first load of bedding was in the dryer, the second in the washer (a third and possibly 4th waiting in the bath tub--the comforter from each boys bed was a load in and of itself, and then the rest of the blankets and sheets as well) The children were finally fed and dressed.

Pudge had refused to eat. His cereal (the older kids had said he could have cereal and milk in a bowl with a spoon) had been in a plain blue bowl. He wouldn't touch it. Bear had started crying silently when Ares plunked a plain blue bowl in front of him with a growled command of "Eat" Marie had snottily informed Ares "That's not my bowl" about yellow bowl in front of her.

Ares stalked into the living room and growled at the housewife "What is wrong with them!"

"CJ gets the Anakin bowl, Marie gets the Barbie bowl, Bear gets the Blue bowl--"

"He has a blue bowl" Ares almost yelped in exasperation.

"No, white bowl blue puppy on it, Blue from Blue's Clues. Pudge gets the Pooh Bear bowl. It's much simpler that way. I have nothing resembling matching dishes left the kids have either broken it or my husband can't remember what isn't able to go in the microwave. They each have their own bowl and then you don't have to hear who got the color of bowl that the other one wanted. I explained all this once already" the housewife sighed.

"Simpler" Ares snorted stalking back into the kitchen.

It dirtied four more bowls, but each child got *their bowl* and ate. A mottled gray kitten with a few yellow and white spots managed to trip Ares twice. A mostly tiger striped,slightly mottled black,gray,brown and orange cat tried getting on the table no less than 3 times. Pudge did more hissing and flinging spoonfuls of Cap'n Crunch at the cat than actual eating. A round of "He kicked me" "Did Not" "Did too" had Ares bellowing "ENOUGH" again, which had both the little ones bawling again and Joxer glaring at Ares as he tried to quiet the terrified Bear.

Finally at long last the children were sent to the living room with Strife (who'd done nothing but lay on the floor and laugh) they were told they could bring a few toys out and watch television. "ICK OONYER!" Pudge shouted happily. "Nyick Oonjer" Bear agreed smiling and speaking for the first time that morning in the men's hearing at least. "Ugh, do we have ta watch the baby shows" whined CJ.

Ares had stalked into the living room and demanded "What's Ick Oonyer and can they watch it"

"Nick Junior, and yes, and they can watch Noggin til Nick Junior comes on--it doesn't start for an hour and a half yet" the housewife said. "I'll control the remotes" she pulled said remotes out of her desk drawer (the only place that they didn't vanish from) turned on the tv with one, and changed the station the satelite box was set on with the other.

Ares returned to the living room announcing what the tv was going to be on. CJ complained "Ugh, boring" Marie kicked him. And the two were off again. This time Ares just pointed to the living room with a glare, they moved thier squabble to the next room. Strife followed with the two little ones.

Ares collapsed into a kitchen chair. Hades, his head was killing him and it was just past 6 am! What time did little kids go to bed?

"Zeus! Jerkules makes less a mess of your temples havin a hissy fit, dad" Cupid muttered surveying the remains of the kitchen.

"At lest it's mostly just the table" Joxer sighed. "Mostly"

Strife kicked off his boots and settled into the recliner in the living room. Sniggering just slightly s the image of his Uncle dropping to his knees with his eyes bugging out from the little guy whacking him with his sippy cup. Poor Joxer might not be having much fun for a couple of days judging by the look on Unk's face. Priceless. He couldn't wait to tell his mom about it. She was just gonna DIE!

The kids went to bring an enormous amount of toys out. Seemed like every time Strife glanced down there were more toys on the floor and only three kids--whichever was missing had snuck off to get even more toys.

"Hey!" CJ shouted.

"What?" Marie glared.

"Why are you putting a dress on Gambit?!"

"Because my one Barbie with legs is missing"

Strife snickered. "AHCK" he gasped in surprise as a mostly yellow thing with a disturblingly blank grinning face got shoved in his nose. "Uh, thanks, Pudge, what is it?" he took the stuffed--thing--cautiously.

"A teletubby" Marie rolled her eyes. Though she didn't actually say it "Duh" was clearly implied in her tone.

Clutching the tail of some mostly purple thing with some green spots on its back and a green belly, Pudge climbed up on Strife's lap.

"Erg!!" Strife gasped as the tot got settled. A few moments later Strife managed to say "Watch where you're steppin next time, huh?" Pudge smiled angelically and jabbed a fat little finger in the purple thing's stomach.

"Eek!" Strife almost knocked the toddler and the toys off his lap he was so startled when the purple thing started singing "I love you, you love me, we're a happy fam-i-ly..."

"It Sings" Strife managed to smile uncertainly at the madly grinning Pudge. "Cool". As soon as the purple thing stopped singing---a pudgy little finger jabbed it in the gut again. The toddler soon had the purple thing and the yellow telly-whatever-in-Tartarus "dancing". Strife was far from reassured when the third time the purple thing got poked in the belly the housewife pulled a small walkman and headphones out of her desk drawer. That was *so* not good, he was sure.

Strife noticed Bear dancing a bit, his eyes transfixed on the television. Strife tried to pay attention to the TV instead of the toddler and that damned singing purple thing in his lap. "What the fuhh-uh, I mean what's that?" Strife caught himself in time, staring at the freaky bright yellow man-sized frong thing jumping and repeating "binyabinya" a lot on the television. (The purple thing got poked a 4th time and started singing *that song* again.)

"Yike" Strife managed to lean forward in time to prevent his head getting in the path of two streaks of fur who came running into the living room. The *kitten* was chasing the bigger cat! Up the side of the recliner, across the back of it, leap for the couch across the back of the couch, back to the floor, direclty through the thickest pile of toys and out of the room. How two felines managed to make that much noise running--and run with thier claws out sounding like they took the upholstry and carpeting with them, Strife couldn't quite figure.

Purple thing was poked *again* and the freaky yellow thing was still jumping and saying "binya" in this strange squeaky-croak on TV.

Strife pointed at the television "What *is* that thing?"

"Binya Binya Pollywog" Marie answered not missing a beat in the tug of war over the now ballgown clad Gambit. In the same breath she snapped at her brother "You take my dolls when you want someone to be rescued or killed! I can play with your dolls!"

"Xmen aren't dolls!" CJ shouted affronted.

"Are too"

"Are not"

Purple thing poked and singing *again*! Strife managed not to cringe.

"Are too"

"Are not"

"Uh-huh"

"Nuh-uh! Gimme Gambit back and you can have Magneto *and* Sabertooth"

"No! They're ucky! And Pudge chewed up Sabertooths head anyway"

"Beast?" CJ pleaded.

"He's too fat for the dresses"

"ROGUE? She's a girl at least"

"I don't like Rogue" Marie snapped back (Not entirely true but Gambit was CJ's favorite, and when CJ "borrowed" her Barbies yesterday for some superhero rescuing 2 of em came back minus legs which were no where to be found. She was determined she got Gambit until her Barbies legs were found or CJ had a new favorite--whichever came first. And since CJ didn't just punch her and take Gambit, Marie was giving up on her Barbies legs being found. He had to have a guilty concience if he was actually offering other Xmen in Gambits place)

Purple thing poked *again*! Strife wanted to whimper. It was going to be *decades* before he got that damn song out of his head. Strife gave a sigh of relief when the show with the freaky yellow binya thing was over. He woulda thought something like that would give a kid nightmares. The singing purple thing which just got poked *AGAIN* was certainly going to give Strife nightmares. The actual people on the show with that freaky yellow thing were jsut as scary. They had to be possessed, Strife wassure of it. NOt even drugs could make a person that happy-happy nicey-nice. Had to be possession or some kinda mind control.

Bear started jumping up and down squealing "Bwoo! Bwoo!"

"Boo! Boo!" Pudge echoed and started jumping as well.

"ooog" Strife squeaked his eyes bulging and his agony completely ignored by the jumping tot in his lap shouting "Boo! Boo Coo! Boo Coo!", yet somehow not missing a beat when the purplething stopped singing--*POKE*. He managed "Don't jump, Pudge" in a strangled voice which by some miracle the child actually obeyed, sitting down happily again, poking that accursed purplething *AGAIN* starting that hideous song over. Pudge's eyes were glued on the tv where some doofus in a green striped shirt was being outwitted by a blue puppy that left paw prints all over the place. The doofus was another of the happy-happy sickeningly nicey-nice had to be possessed sort, and a particularly dumb one at that. The Doofus spent the next half hour talking to salt and pepper shakers, a side table, a shovel and pail, dancing over getting a letter and following his puppy Blue around looking for her paw print clues (which it seemed he couldn't find even if they bit him in the ass) to figure out what the dog wanted to do.

Tartarus was less of a torture than this! Strife could honestly say that from experience--he'd played a little prank on Persephone while he was dead, tinkering with her bubble bath when she used it she ended up covered in blotchy itchy red hive like spots for a month. Uncle Hades had sent Strife to Tartarus until Persephone's welts went away. Been there, done that, would definatley take it over the torture coming from the television right now!

2 hours of non-stop singing from the purple thing that it was taking all Strife's self-control not to rip the stuffing out of it (self control be damned he just didn't want to make the kid cry. Little guy really seemed to love that purple thing) The horrors on the television only seemed to get worse--and included a second episode of the doofus and the dog. Strife had a few idea's where the doofus could put his handy dandy notebook and his dog. The show was almost as bad as the purple thing that Pudge kept poking to make it sing!

Pudge looked at Strife big-eyed and serious. And said something that made Strife's jaw drop.

Strife blinked "Huh? What didja say?"

Pudge repeated it.

Strife's eyes bulged. What the child had said was actually perfectly clear--but he just couldn'ta meant what the words he said were. Whatever the kid was trying to say, Strife was *not* going to deal with it, and besides the little guy was starting to smell. He was definatly going to take a pass on this one. "You go tell Ares, kay?"

Pudge smiled, poked the damn purple thing to start it singing *AGAIN* before he got off Strife's lap and headed for the kitchen.

The housewife was in the kitchen making herself some toast now that she finally felt like eating and getting some juice. Ares, Joxer and Cupid were trying to figure out what to make for lunch and just how they were going to do it. Or rather how *Joxer* was going to make lunch. Joxer after all was the only one of the four of them who had actually ever cooked anything. Joxer was protesting that he didn't know anything about anything like *THIS*! Yeah, he could manage not to completely char a fish or rabbit on a campfire but--cooking in a kitchen like this was beyond his comprehension!

"A helmet?!?" Joxer squeaked pulling a metal strainer from a low cupboard, shaking it at Ares. "What do you use a helmet for when yer cooking!"

The housewife squeaked and bit the inside of her cheek so hard she tasted blood. SHe stood there shaking trying not to laugh at the confused demigod while she waited for her toast to be done.

Pudge came into the kitchen and walked right up to where Ares sat at the table "Me kinky"

Ares stared at the child in shock.

"ME KINKY" the little one repeated annoyed at getting no response.

"WOMAN! WHAT DID THAT CHILD SAY!!!!" Ares roared furiously.

The housewife burst out laughing. WHen she caught her breath somewhat she managed between giggles "He said he's *Stinky*. He wants his diaper changed. I've tried but he refuses to say Ucky and for some reason s-t always comes out k with him. Stop comes out Kop and Stinky comes out kinky. And you have a very sick mind!"

Ares was even more furious when he felt hot color rising up his cheeks--now that he had the translation and considering the age of the tot, the words made sense. "Cupid change him"

"ME?" the blonde Love God yelped.

"You have Bliss! You know about diapers! You change him!" Ares growled.

"I did all the piss mess! You change him!" Cupid shot back. He had no clue how to change a diaper--Bliss simply thought himself a clean one on when he wanted it.

"Don't look at me, I'm cooking remember" Joxer shook his head--still trying to figure out why anyone needed a helmet in the kitchen. "And Strife's got the other three."

"Alright fine! I'll change him!" Ares snarled.

The housewife took pity on Joxer and got three frozen pizza's from the freezer on the back porch and put them in the fridge's freezer, got out the pizza pan and cutter for him, sitting those on the top of the stove. She left the kitchen and a very puzzled Joxer sitting at the kitchen table looking at the strainer in disbelief.

Cupid struggled through the kitchen with a huge armload of bedding. "Where do I take this?" (Joxer had been the one to go and strip the beds) Bear tugged on Cupid's pant leg and led the way with a little fist tugging on the hem of Cupid's flannel shirt to the boys' bedroom. Cupid spent 20 minutes fighting fitted sheets onto the bunkbeds (mostly the top bunk) shoved in a corner against his wall, falling on his butt twice trying to stand on the bottom bunk and putting the far side of the top bunks stubborn sheet on.

Bear giggled softly watching the whole performance.

When Cupid was about to start with the blankets, Bear shook his head. "Das not white"

"It's not right?"

Bear shook his head with a very serious and worried expression.

"What's wrong?" Cupid sighed trying to keep the tired whine out of his voice.

"Das my bed" Bear pointed to the bottom bunk.

"Kinda guessed that" Cupid smiled. "And I bet that's CJ's" he pointed to the top bunk, "And that's Pudge's" Cupid pointed to the toddler bed against the opposite wall. Bear nodded in solemn agreement.

"Das my sheed" Bear pointed to the top bunk.

Cupid whimpered, thanking every relative he could think of that Bliss was an only child. Well more or less, Julius was mortal and raised by his mother in Rome--and more than 20 years older than Bliss besides. Things got *way* too complicated with more than one. He tried to remember if he and his brothers and sisters had acted like this with the *my* bowl, *my* sheet stuff. He really didn't think so, but except for Deimos and Phobos there was also more than a century between each of them (at least the ones on Olympus) Once he finally got the *right* sheet on the right bed--he made sure he asked Bear before he put any of the blankets on.

"Will you stop wiggling!" Ares growled, scowling at the toddler. Pudge had decided he was no longer worried by Ares growls, he merely laughed and kicked.

Shit was literally *EVERYWHERE*. It hadn't looked like *that* much when Ares had first undon the diaper. But the damned baby wipes would not come out of the box, and when they did three or four of them stuck together and wouldn't come unfolded! While Ares was fighting the wipes Pudge was wiggling. Ares was cursing under his breath, and muttered to his mother who he just *knew* was watching that the tot didn't hardly speak English he couldn't understand Greek so it didn't count! He could and would cuss in Greek with plenty of reason!

Ares had shit on his hands, on his shirt, on his jeans, on Pudge's clothes, on the bathmat the baby was laying on (he'd taken the tot into the bathroom to change him and shut the door--he was *not* giving Strife any more amusement or blackmail material! Even if Strife was 2 rooms away Ares wasn't taking chances) Shit on the side of the tub, how that got there Ares didn't know. Didn't want to know.

"STOP IT" Ares snarled loudly. Then tensed waiting for the tears. Damnit! He didn't want to make the kid cry!

Pudge didn't cry. He fisted his little hands and put them on his waist, scrunching up his little face in a rather hilarious little baby-scowl. Pudge lifted one chubby little fist and pointed his finger at Ares shaking it "No no, kop it"

Ares growled. The kid was telling *him* to stop it?

Pudge growled back.

Ares growled some more. The kid was still at least. Taking turns growling and glaring, which Pudge found to be one of the funniest games ever judging by the giggles between growls, Ares *finally got the kid cleaned up. He ruined 3 diapers before he got one on Pudge that actually stayed on and somewhat looked like it should. The bathtub wiped off, the tot's dirty clothes and the bathmat rolled up and sat in the tub to wash once he got *his* clothes changed and Pudge dressed. The dirty diaper, and the destroyed ones, and wipes all stuffed in a blue plastic shopping bag and tied up. "Let's get some clean clothes, huh?" Ares smiled opening the bathroom door.

Pudge took off running with a squealing laugh. Pulling the tapes of his diaper and flinging it as he went. "GET BACK HERE!" Ares bellowed as a naked giggling toddler streaked through the kitchen and disappeared into the living room.

After a lunch of only slightly burnt pizza the kids were sent back into the living room to play in front of the TV. Strife absolutely refused to return to the living room.

"Can't make me" Strife pouted mutinously at Ares. "Ate had to have thought that shit up!"

The housewife who'd come into the kitchen to grab the slice of pizza she'd ordered them to save her, laughed. "The Goddess of Evil and Misfortune is responsible for educational programming for preschoolers?"

"You've seen it! It's torture!" Strife yelped, then a thought struck him. "Can we have a list of those shows?"

The housewife was puzzled "Why would you want a list of kiddie shows if they are that horrible?

"Just in case I get killed again. Hades'll let me go if I got something good in trade--and some new tortures for Tartarus are worth something. Shoot, those shows I could get a lot of mileage outta. Maybe even a life per show!"

Shaking her head in disbelief the housewife agreed to make out the list for Strife.

"Do they take naps?" Ares asked wearily.

"Pudge and Bear, yeah, almost always. The other two, never"

Joxer and Cupid got assigned nap duty. Strife got the dishes and kitchen clean up. Ares went into the living room with the older two.

Ares was inclined to agree with Strife that Ate had to be responsible for cartoons after the Pokemon the First Movie and Pokemon 2000 tapes that the older two had wanted to watch. His headache only got worse trying to figure them out. But he had to admit, a creature like that Charizard had possibilities. It reminded Ares of the dragons some of the Far Eastern gods kept as pets, only less snaky. Ares didn't like snakes.

Ares gritted his teeth when the two littler boys were back up from thier nap and all four kids got involved in a very loud game that had them running about, jumping on the couch (and he *did* tell them not to--*loudly* *repeatedly*, not even Bear listened). The game involved throwing rubber snakes at each other along with pointing powder blue and light purple guns that flashed lights and made a variety of very *loud* whistling, beeping, and emergency siren sounds. There were a couple of plastic swords which also had flashing lights and sound effects for good measure since they could only find two of thier ray guns.

Ares glanced over at the house wife "What are they doing?" totally at a loss as to what the game was, or how to *stop* it.

"Indiana Jones meets Star Wars or maybe Men In Black is my best guess" the housewife shrugged.

Ares growled, but he was *not* going to ask for another explination.

"NENENENENE WHOOOWHOOWHOO CHUTTUTCHUTTUTWHOO!" Pudge pointed a flashing purple ray gun in Ares ear. Ares turned to glare at the tot--which put the ray gun directly in his nose. Pudge stood there smiling sweetly holding the trigger so the blasted toy kept making it's noises.

"How soon do they got to bed after supper?" Ares shouted back over to the housewife. SHe'd put her headphones back on to drown out as much noise as she could and didn't answer.

Somehow, they got through 4 more diaper changes, although thankfully no more stinky meeses. An accident by Bear. CJ had been in the bathroom and Bear had to go bad and wasn't able to hold it until CJ *finally* got out. (That had Ares grumbling with 4 kids there ought to be more than 1 bathroom in the house. Ares though he heard the housewife mutter "no shit but tell that to my checkbook" but wasn't quite sure) Joxer spent 20 minutes cleaning up and calming down the 3 year old. Bear wanted to be a big boy and having an accident wasn't big boy. CJ didn't help matters by teasingly calling Bear a baby peedy-pants when he got out of the bathroom (CJ was still ticked about getting *his* bed peed for the third time that week)

"You go to your room and lay down in your bed and stay there until you think you can behave and apologize to your brother" Joxer snapped in a tone that just *dared* CJ to argue.

With a petulant glare CJ stalked to his room not to emerge again for over a half an hour.

Joxer got cooking duty again for supper. (Fish sticks and macaroni and cheese) Ares got the job of giving Pudge and Bear a bath which the two shared. By the time he emerged from the bathroom the God of War looked ready to start a few wars, was soaked head to toe with a towel-wrapped, giggling squirming toddler under each arm heading for thier bedroom to put them in their pj's. Strife didn't say a word. Didn't dare after seeing the look on his uncle's face--but he wanted too.

Strife got dishes again--still twitchy and muttering "Gotta get that song outta my head, It's drivin me nuts!"

CJ and Marie both old enough to take baths on their own (this confirmed no less than 3 times by the housewife) each had a turn in the tub. Cupid finally poking his head in the door and giving a growl very reminicent of his father "Get out of the tub now or I'm coming in and gettin you out" afte CJ had been in the tub for 35 minutes. Marie then demanded just as long of a bath as CJ (Cupid again found himself reciting a list of relatives he didn't much like that Marie had yet to master telling time and was satisfied with a 20 minute bath.)

By the time the bathing was done the bathroom was a total disaster. Strife and Cupid got the clean up while Ares and Joxer read bed time stories and tucked in kids, which turned out to be a *LOT* easier said than done.

30 minutes of squabbling over what story was going to be read. 20 minutes to get them to sit *still* to listen to the stories (it ended up 4 stories instead of 1) 3 rounds of "He touched me" during the stories. 9 missing stuffed animals that had to be found before their owners would even consider getting into bed. 17 trips to the bathroom. 10 drinks. 15 "one-last hug"s for mom. 4 my blankets aren't right. (3 of which were Marie) Bear's blankie was missing (as if the blankets on the bed weren't enough. He had to have a blanket to hold on to as well as 3 stuffed animals by his pillow) The missing blankie finally turned up behind the couch (Ares suspected CJ). In all "reading a story and tucking in" turned into a 2 and a half hour ordeal.

"Remind me never to have kids" Ares groaned collapsing into the recliner in the living room after a final check to make sure all 4 kids were sleeping at long last.

"Little late for that, ain't it, dad?" Cupid laughed. "Me, Deimos, Phobos, Harmonia, Xena..."

Ares waved a hand at his son and interuppeted what was starting to be a recitation of every child Ares ever fathered. "Okay, remind me not to have anymore" he growled, not noticing how pale Joxer got at those words.

Hera made herself visible grinning triumphantly at her haggard looking son, grandsons, and great-grandson. Her lesson had been learned well by the four men. Ares threated Strife repeatedly and quite graphically while Hera kept her end of the bargain and went room by room cleaning the house spotless.

Hera definately went a bit overboard on the spotless part, but the housewife wasn't about to go pointing that out. She most certainly wasn't going to complain about the missing koolaid stains from her couch or the crayola graffitti she'd never been able to completely get off the coffee table. As suddenly as they had appeared that morning Hera and the 4 men disappeared, years old stains missing from Hera's cleaning the only proof that they had actually been there but the housewife wasn't going to ever forget such an amusing day (and she doubted that the gods and Joxer would forget it for a good long time either.)

The end.