Title: Hurt
Author: JoeyRZ
Email: joey_amazonbard@hotmail.com (yes, it’s a new one)
Archive: Joxerotica and me
Warnings: hurt w/out comfort
Pairing: at the end, I’ll say who it is for me, but for now, just read...
Summary: hurt... a lot of hurt.
Dedication: to the only ones I guess can truly know what this is reallyabout: JaimeBlue and Idalia.
I sometimes wonder if this is the life intended for me. If this is all Iwill ever know. This sadness... this feeling of never belonging. This...this... thing that I have inside me. Never wanting to care and at the sametime, caring so much it breaks me up inside. I want to damn it all to hell,but I want to hold it safe and fix it like you would a broken vase. Glueall the broken parts together again, knowing that some are forever lost, toosmall to find and yet so important to the overall piece that it will alwayshave holes and leaks. But I try and try and try, and like a puzzle put itback together...
But it looks so ugly, unlike it was, so different, and no power in thisearth could ever restore it like it was before. And it angers me. Theanger swells up inside, and grows and takes over and I can’t stop it nomatter how much I try. So I lash out, pick it up and throw it against thewall. I stomp on the pieces, yell and cry and when I look down and thedamned thing, it’s not a vase anymore. It’s my heart. It’s everything I’veknown and cared for. It’s all I’ve ever loved.
And then come the others, trying to console me. Telling me its going to bealright. But I know better. And maybe they know better too. But they lookat me and think that I need to be reassured. But I don’t want it. Not fromthem, never from them whose lies I can hear so easily through fake smilesand fake tears and fake everything. Everything’s always been fake.
Everything’s always been fake. I know that now. And I cry and scream fromthe outside in or the inside out; I can never tell which one it is. And Iquestion everything. I question the one thing that’s mine: my memories. Iwonder how many things were make believe and pretend and games and wool overmy eyes. And I cry... inside... alone. Always alone.
Because make pretend is the only thing I’m now sure I’ve ever known. So Imake pretend. And smile and sing, and bounce for joy when something that’ssupposed to be good happens, when what I really want is to make it littleitty bitty pieces and say ‘fuck it’, ‘I don’t care’, ‘It doesn’t meananything’.
And I cry, and my soul bleeds and I cry so much... so much.
But then, I dream that I have your arms around me, that you are holding meclose, and telling me that even though it’s not going to be alright you loveme. And that makes it good again. And I take refuge in your arms and yourkisses and your soul and your love for me. And I feel good.
And I wake up, and cry some more, because you’re just a dream. I couldnever have you. You’re so... so.... so *you*, so great and wonderful andpowerful and strong and everything, and I’m nothing...
I love you... and the pieces that turned to dust blow away, never toreturn... ‘cause you don’t love me.
The end...
If you know me you know the intended pairing for this fic is Joxer/Ares. It’s Joxer’s POV.
Broken links or other errors can be sent to
Carrie. Suggestions are also welcome.