Welcome to AresJoxerCupidStrife

Title: What If The Jerry Springer Show Wrote Xena?
Author: Scribe
Fandom: Xena, sorta
Pairing: Ares/Joxer, Cupid/Strife, but only implied. They don't go that far, even on Jerry.
Status: Done
Sequel/Series:
Archive: Yes, thank you kindly
Disclaimer: I don't own 'em, and how dare youinsinuate that I WOULD own Jerry Springer! No cashcollected for this.
Websites:http://www.angelfire.com/grrl/scribescribbles andhttp://www.angelfire.com/grrl/foxluver
Summary: Answer to the AJCS 'What if _____ wrote'challenge.
Warnings: Rampant silliness, sorta Mary Sue, and cameoappearances by some AJCS list sibs. :) Ya can sue ifya wanna, but y'all already know I'm broke.
Notes:
Rating: R

What if The Jerry Springer Show Wrote Xena?

*wild cheers and applause as Jerry comes down thecenter aisle with his microphone*

"Hello, welcome!" *looks serious* "We have a timelyand relevant show today. I'd say it ranks right upthere with 'You Don't Satisfy Me, So I Took a PlungeIn the Office Pool'. By the way, we have word thatWallace has accepted a plea bargain, and Candi's sexreassignment was a roaring success. We'll see more ofhim, er, her on a future show entitled 'FromTestosterone to Titty Bars--My Wife is a TransgenderStripper, and I Want a Divorce!'." *more cheers andapplause*

"We like to think that all our guests are special, butmost of today's have a little something extra. No,I'm not talking about third breasts, that will becovered in 'You're Just Jealous Because I Take aTriple D'. No, some of our participants today aredivine, and I'm not talking about looks."

*Strife's voice hollers from off stage* "Ya damn wellshould be. We're gorgeous."

*Jerry clears his throat and waves at the stage* "Today we have a trio who are concerned that thepeople that they care about are in relationships thatare not only inappropriate, but perhaps downrightdangerous. Part of that danger is because thesignificant other in question is, well, quiteliterally not of this world. No, not a ghost. Wecovered that in 'It's Time to Lose that Ectoplasm!'. And they aren't demonically possessed, because wecovered that in 'He's Just Spinning Your Head--180Degrees'. No, as I said before, these suspectsweeties are literally divine. So, let's starttoday's show--'I Don't Care If the Sex IsHeavenly--He's the Wrong God For You'. Please welcomeour guests. Xena, a demi-goddess in her own right..."*Xena folds her arms, looking grim.* "Her long timecompanion..."

Gabrielle: "Excuse me--lover." *Xena rolls her eyes.*

Jerry: "Um, yes." *mutters* "What the hell? It's notlike the sponsers will freak." *raises his voiceagain* "Xena's lover, Gabrielle." *Gabrielle doesthe 'Queen Mum of England hand wave' at the audience* "And Hercules--demi-god and quite possibly the firstboy scout in existence." *Hercules flashes aPepsodent smile, which is odd because Pepsodent wasn'tinvented till, like, twenty centuries after his time* *loud snorting sound* "What was that?"

Strife's voice: "Will ya hurry up? Unc is gettinboth pissed an' bored--not a good combination."

Jerry: "So, first off, something a little unusual--youall three have the same profession, am I right?"

Xena: "That's right, Jerry. We're all heros andprotectors of the innocent and downtrodden."

Gabby: *raises and waves hand* "Excuse me? Yes,while it's true that I do a good bit of rescuing,that's not really my main occupation." *Clears herthroat* "I'm Queen of the Amazons..."

Xena: *mutters* "Brag, brag, brag."

Gabby: "EXCUSE ME?"

Jerry: "Not now, girls. Save it for 'You Think You'reSpecial Just Because You Rule, But I Think You're aRoyal Pain'."

Gabby: *still a little huffy* "I'm also a bestselling bard (My current scroll, 'Kicking Butt andMaking a Name For Myself: My Life With Xena', can bebought from fine scribes everywhere), a healer, and asinger." *raises an eyebrow at Xena* "I also do mostof the cooking while certain people sit aroundpolishing their weapons." *Hercules snickers. Xenarolls her eyes*

Jerry: *blankly* "Fascinating. Xena, why don't youtell us a little about your situation."

Xena: "Well, Jerry, it's like this. My friend,Joxer, has gotten himself into a relationship that Ithink is bad for him. He's hooked up with Ares, theGod of War." *oohs and ahhs from the audience* *Xenashakes her head* "No, no, don't let the glamour foolyou. Sure, he's gorgeous and sexy and famous, butcome on, people! Hello? He's War! War, HUH! GoodGod, y'all, what is it good for?"

Joxer's voice from offstage: "Sometimes three times ina row."

Jerry: "So, you and Gabrielle are concerned aboutJoxer. How about you, Hercules?"

*Hercules shifts* *chair creaks dangerously* "Well,maybe it's none of my business..."

Ares voice from offstage: "That's never stopped youbefore!"

Joxer's voice: "Arry, please remember what Asclepiussaid about your blood pressure. Sure, it won't killyou, but cleaning the blood off the walls when you pop a blood vessel is SUCH a bitch."

Strife's voice: "I thought tha bitch was out on thastage?"

Cupid's voice: "Strife, shut up."

Strife's voice: "Nyah. Make me." *sound of glomming* "Mmph! Oh, Cupie..."

Hercules: "Like I was saying. It's my nephew--Cupid. Sure, we haven't been close, mostly thanks to SOMEfamily members..." *off stage growl*

Joxer's voice: "No, Arry! Not a powerbolt, please! Just ignore him."

Ares voice: "...trying to diss how I raised my OWNboy..."

Joxer's voice: "Here, let me rub your back to calmyou down." *sound of fingers on leather* "Isn't thatbetter? No, don't turn... Oh. Well, yes, I supposerubbing THERE WOULD be more soothing."

*slurp*

Cupid's voice: "Ooo, yeah, baby. Right there! Do mywings, do my wings!"

Strife's voice: "Yah, I'll ruffle yer feathahs REALgood, flyboy."

*Jerry crooks a finger at a security man* *whispers* "Go back there and get them to stop. It's almost timefor them to come on."

*security man shakes his head* "Which do you think Iam--stupid, or suicidal? Like I'm gonna interupt godswhile they're making out. Just hurry up before itgoes too far to stop."

Jerry: "Hercules?" *Hercules is looking offstage witha distasteful, yet intrigued, expression.* "HERCULES!"

*Hercules jumps, blushing* "Um, yeah. Cupid. Well,he's taken up lately with someone who is TOTALLYinappropriat--Strife. This guy is bad news. I mean,he's Mischief incarnate. Literally. He lives to maketrouble. He's the right hand man to the bloodiestmurderer to ever exist."

*groowl*

Strife's voice: "Hey, Unc, actually I thought that wasa pretty cool compliment, fah both of us."

*Hercules raises his voice* "Cupid could haveanyone--ANYONE! I mean, he's the God of Love."

Jerry: "Some of our viewers might be a littleskeptical about that. Let's show them why you saythat." *screen descends behind the three on stage,and a picture of Cupid, looking very hunky, appears*

*chorus of 'Hubba hubba!' and 'Oo, baby, baby, baby!'from the audience, females AND males*

Hercules: "See what I mean, Jerry? He has it all. And he thinks he's in love with THIS!"

*picture of Strife appears on screen, looking pale,dangerous, and exotic* *silence, except for the soundof a little drool hitting the floor*

Voice from the audience: "I wouldn't mind some ofthat."

Strife's voice from offstage: "SCRIBE?"

Scribe: "Hi, sweetie! I got a tickets! The wholeAJCS list is here, but I'M spokesperson. I stuffedthe ballot box, just like you showed me."

*chuckle* Strife's voice: "That's my girl!"

Jerry: "Well, here's a switch. It looks like the 'onthe carpet' couples have their own cheering section."

AJCS listsibs: "You damn betcha!"

Gabrielle: *sneer* "Ignore them. They're nothing buta bunch of horny slash sluts."

*lots of rapid nodding in the audience.*

Jerry: "Before this gets out of hand..." *hystericalgiggles from everyone, not just Strife, except thethree anal retentives on stage* "...let's bring outour other guests."

Joxer's voice: "Arry. Arry! Let go of that and laceup--it's time. Strife, get off Cupid. Well, at leastlet him WALK. DAMN, these britches weren't too tightwhen I put them on."

*Three gods and a mortal come onstage. Strife walkson backward, because he's plastered chest-to-chestwith Cupid. Ares has his hand tucked in a blushingJoxer's waistband.*

Jerry: "Gosh, guys, I don't know what's up with myprop people. There are only two extra chairs. Waitand I'll have them get..."

Ares: "Believe me, Jerry, it isn't a problem."

*Ares and Cupid sit, dragging Joxer and Strife,respectively, down onto their laps.* *AJCS listsibsstart doing the Arsenion Hall 'WOOF! WOOF! WOOF!'**Xena, Gabby, and Hercules look disgusted*

Gabby: *points* "You see? No consideration! Insteadof getting Joxer a seat, he makes him sit on his bumpyol' lap."

Joxer: *dreamy* "Ooo, lumpy. Yeah." *squirms* "Andhis thighs are HARD, too."

Xena: "Joxer, can't you see that he's just using you?"

Joxer: *blinks* "This is a bad thing?"

Cupid: *wiggles eyebrows at Xena* *singsong voice* "Ithink some-one's jeeal-ous."

Gabby: *gags* "Jealous of Joxer? Please!"

Strife: "Dumb ass. Nay, jealous of Unc."

Xena: *looks uncomfortable* "Don't be ridiculous."

Strife: "Tell me, Zeen, does tha name 'Electra' meananythin ta ya?"

Xena: *sweating* "I don't know what you mean."

Jerry: *shakes head admonishingly* "Xena, I've beentold that you have a little secret of your own thatmight color your attitude." *voice dramatic* "Perhaps the fact that Ares is... YOUR FATHER?" *Hercules and Gabby gasp*

Scribe: "Oh, PLEASE! Like you didn't already know."

*Ares shrugs*

Ares: "I never denied it. Well, not for the last fiveyears, anyway."

Jerry: "Save it for the paternity show."

*Strife has turned to straddle Cupid, and is bouncingup and down slowly.* *Cupid's wings start to vibrate.*

Jerry: "Boys! You need to stop that! This is afamily values show."

*MASSIVE snorting*

Scribe: "Yeah, write. Christine, got the camcorder?"

Christine: "Yo!"

Scribe: "Well, don't just stand there!"

*Christine trots down the aisle and starts circling*

Strife: "Get me from my good side, babe." *Christinefocuses on his undulating rump* "I knew you was abright girl."

Cupid: "I want a copy."

Gabby: "You don't have VCRs on Olympus!"

Strife: "So I'll swipe one before we go. Shaddup,Blondie."

Ares: "I want a copy, too." *Joxer looks at him* "What?"

Scribe: "Christine, we'll get a bulk discount oncassettes for the list."

Jerry: "You don't have to do that. We can provide youwith a copy of the show for just..."

Scribe: *scornful* "We'll make our own. You wusseswouldn't film the good stuff. Hergerbabe, are youtaking notes?"

*Hergerbabe is scribbling*

Hergerbabe: "Why didn't I bring a recorder to tapenotes?!"

Joxer: *raises his hand* "Hergerbabe? Could I top inthe next one? OW! Arry, quit that!"

Hergerbabe: "Yeah, Arry. You love it, and you knowit!"

Hercules: "WILL YOU ALL STOP OBSESSING ABOUT SEX?"

*silence* *a cricket chirps*

Scribe: "Why?"

Jerry: "Are you trying to get me cancelled? Hercules,tell us more about why you object to Cupid being withStrife."

Hercules: "Oh, for Olympus's sake! They're RELATED,okay? Their cousins!"

Cupid: "Uh, Herc? In case you haven't noticed, bloodties aren't exactly a problem for gods."

Strife: "Yah. Ya shoulda come ta tha last familyreunion. It was wunna tha best orgies I evahattended."

Cupid: "Besides, we're just cousins. In Texas, no onewould even notice."

Scribe: "I'm from Texas, and I can attest to that. Squicks the hell out of me, actually, but on you two,it's cute."

Gabby: "Joxer, you can't be in love with Ares. It'sjust an infatuation on the rebound from me."

Joxer: "Um, I hate to disappoint you, Gabby, but I wasjust PRETENDING to be in love with you, trying to getAres to notice me."

Gabby: "WHAT? You don't love me?" *Joxer shakeshead* *Ares grabs Joxer's butt, looking smug* "But...but... how can you NOT love me? I'm intelligent, I'mbuff, I'm blonde..."

Strife: "So's Cupe. He's a hot sweetie, but YOU havetha personality of a menopausal harpy."

Xena: "Don't speak to my bitch like that!"

Ares: "Now THAT'S more like my kid."

*Gabrielle slaps Xena*

Xena: "What did I do?"

Jerry: "Xena, are you going to stand for that?" *everyone stares at him* "What? Every slap meansanother thousand viewers.

Hercules: "Cupid, give him up before he drags youdown."

Strife: "Oo! Good idea!" *Strife falls backward ontostage, dragging Cupid down on top of him* *Cupidstarts humping* *Christine goes in for a close-up*

Hercules: "This is SO wrong!" *Hercules gets up andgrabs Cupid, trying to drag him off Strife* *Aresstarts to get up* *Joxer distracts Ares by shoving ahand down the front of his pants* *Christine can'tdecide what to film, so she steps back and uses thezoom lens to go back and forth*

Strife: "Get yer own blonde, Jerkules!"

Hercules: *Hercules steps back, shocked* "What? I...I..."

Cupid: *panting* "Oh, quit denying it, Hercules! Everyone knows that you're hot for Ioalaus."

Hercules: "We're just good friends!"

*hurricane os snickers, giggles, titters, and guffaws**several AJCS listsibs fall out of their chairs andhave to be helped back up*

Scribe: *holds her ribs, considering calling foroxygen* "Shu-shu-sure! And I write nothing but cleanjokes for the Sunday School bulletin!"

Hercules: *small voice* "He doesn't like me that way.Besides, he's the Golden Hunter. What could he seein me?"

Jerry: "You can find that out on 'Everyone Says YouThink I'm Hot, So Why Don't You Speak For Yourself?'"

Gabby: *shakes fist at Scribe* "Stop trying to corrupthim by suggesting he's not straight!"

Scribe: "Honey, I suggest EVERYONE'S not straight. It's part of what makes me so charming."

Gabby: "You should be banned!"

Strife: "Lissen ta little Miss 'Can't We All Just GetAlong'. Look, ya *bleep*, quit bein such a *bleeping**bleep*head, take yer *bleeping* head out of your*bleep* long enough ta..." *Strife trails off.* "Whattha *bleep* is goin on? I didn't say bleep, I said*bleep*. What IS this *bleep*?"

Jerry: *points to man sitting at control board* "We'reon a five second delay, so we can censore out thereally hairy stuff before..."

*Strife twists under Cupid enough to point at controlpanel* *blue sparks fly* *crackle*

Censor: "EEEEP!" *jumps back from control board,wringing hands and blowing on fingers*

Strife: "Yer lucky I'm in such a good mood. If Cupewasn't committin frotage with me right now ya'd bepickin yer own teeth outta yer ass."

*Gabrielle jumps up, waving her arms*

Gabby: *shrieks* "YOU PEOPLE ARE ALL SICK! Those aremen having sex together."

Scribe: "Not quite yet, they aren't. Move, wouldya,Gabby?"

Gabrielle: "MEN! HAVING SEX! TOGETHER!"

Xena: "Gabrielle, WE have sex together."

*silence* *sound of wind blowing*

Scribe: "Oh, ICK! Thanks for that mental image."

Joxer: "Arry? You just went limp."

Ares: "My daughter doing the wild thing with the BimboBard. Joxer, can you blame me?"

Joxer: "No, I guess not."

Gabby: "Shut up, you wanking wannabe warrior!"

Scribe: "Watch it! I'll write you an owie that willbecome legendery, and there will BE no comfort!"

Ares: "Thank, hon. You're invited to the next orgy."

Scribe: *does Snoopy dance* "When, when?"

Cupid: "Right after taping, natch." *communal poutfrom AJCS listsibs* "Yes, all of you are invited."*rejoysing* "Please bring a date. We're gods, butthere's only so much we can do at once."

Strife: "Speak fah yerself."

Scribe: "Dibs on Leatherboy!"

Xena: "Which one?"

Scribe: "As if I CARE!"

Xens: *Xena clears her throat.* "Uh, Dad? Bro? CanI come?"

Strife: "I dunno. As long as ya been hooked with thaGabster, can ya?" *smack* "OW! Ass, not head, Cupe."

Joxer: "Hercules, Iolaus has a standing invitation toall orgies, but lately, all he can talk about is you. Do you know how distracting it is to be lickingsomeone and have them talking about someone else?"

Hercules: *brightens* "Could I?" *Pulls out a handmirror and peers in it anxiously. "Is my hair allright? I wish I'd known. I would have lifted a fewboulders to pump up."

Gabrielle: *Gabrielle begins frothing at the mouth* "It's all a dream! That's it, it's all a bad dream! I'll wake up soon."

Jerry: "That's all the time we have right now. So,what's our lesson for today?"

Scribe: "Beats me, but you could sure get an educationwatching our boys!"

Strife: "Lemme check somethin. Fuck." *nodds hishead* "That's bettah. Tha lesson is keep yer fuckinnose out of it if it's True Love. Or even if it'sTrue Lust."

Jerry: "Good enough. Next week on Springer: 'PsychoBlonde Bard Ex-Girlfriends--Good Reason for CapitalPunishment?'. Take care, and be good to each other."*pause* "Are we off the air? Good. Scribe, can I geta copy of that tape, and would any of the listsibsaccept me as a date?"

Scribe: "Next: 'Sleazy Talk Show Hosts Who Turn Out toBe Secretly Cool.'"