Welcome to AresJoxerCupidStrife

TITLE: The Love of Lady Luck
AUTHOR: Scorpio
ARCHIVE: Want. Take. Have.
PAIRING: Auto/Fortune, Cupid/Strife, Jett/Widow Twanky
RATING: R (naughty words)
CATEGORY: Humor (i hope)
DISCLAIMER: I don't own nothing or no one. I am not making any money from this bit of absurdity.
SUMMARY: Fortune falls in love with the King of Thieves and sets off a chain reactions of events.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The Love of Lady Luck
by Scorpio
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Fortune, Goddess of Luck and Chance, sat back on her gaudily decorated throne, a deck of playing cards shuffling mindlessly in her dexterous fingers while her feet were propped up on the golden Helmsman Rudder that she used to steer fate. She shifted in her brightly colored robes and the coins woven into her deep brown curls jingled merrily. The normally cheerful and energetic goddess who would one day inspire the creation of and become the driving force behind the world renowned mecca known as Los Vegas gazed with dreamy desire into her brightly polished and slightly glowing scrying mirror.

Like most Olympians, she often found herself fascinated with various mortals and bestowed gifts upon them with generous abandon. Other times, a mortal would do or say something that offended or upset her. In those instances, the mortal in question would find himself beset with an endless series of bad luck. Sometimes, when she was bored, she would pick a person at random and flip a coin. Heads; they would have a really good day with her blessing, tails; they would often wonder which deity they had managed to piss off.

But this one... oh, this one was different. Handsome, charming, sophisticated. He stirred up feelings in her that she hadn't felt for a very long time. Why, she was positively giddy. A soft smile on her face, Fortune watched as he contemplated the latest and most difficult trap laid out before him. A whispered prayer drifted from his full lips to her ears and she smiled at him. Her eyes glued to the scrying mirror, she was enchanted with his grace and skill as he avoided the trap and won his prize.

With a sigh of longing and desire, Fortune made a decision. She would have this one for her own. She had watched him from afar long enough. It was time to go speak to his father about arrangements.

~~~

Autolycus was leaning back on the small hard bed in the upstairs room of the Inn with a self-satisfied smirk on his face. The remains of his dinner sat on a tray on the small rickety table off to the side, but that's not what held his attention. Instead, he gazed with greedy eyes at the sparkling fist sized gem cradled gently in his hands. The gem had been taken as a spoil of war from King Orestes' grandfather, and by stealing it back for him, Autolycus had not only won himself a huge reward, he had proven that he could do that which was said to be impossible.

"Damn, I'm so good that I even impress myself sometimes."

A deep gentle chuckle filled the air even as a shimmer of light blue sparkles rained down on the rough wooden floor of his rented room. His eyes going wide with fear from divine retribution, Auto didn't start to relax until the shimmers faded to reveal his father standing in front of him. He waved the large jewel in front of him.

"Uhhh... it's not what it looks like."

Hermes snorted in amusement and shook his head.

"Ya can't bullshit a bullshit artist kid, so don't even try. It's *exactly* what it looks like."

Caught red handed, so to speak, Auto offered his father up a shrug and a grin.

"So it is. Look, I know that I told Xena that my stealing days were over, but..."

He trailed off at Hermes' bark of laughter. He began to scowl in indignation when his father then dissolved into hysterical giggles.

"What's so funny?"

It took Hermes a long moment to calm down enough to speak, but when he did, his voice was filled with tones of amusement and pride.

"Boy, when I was little more than one day old, I stole a hundred cows from Apollo. Then, I exchanged a flute for his magic wand for it's soothsaying abilities. Zeus confronted me about it and I lied to him so well that I've never been punished although everyone knows it was me that did it."

Auto scowled some more and crossed his arms over his chest. It was a pose he had copied from Hercules, but he somehow doubted that it had the same effect with him as it did with the People's Hero.

"What's that got to do with anything?"

Hermes shrugged.

"You're my son, so you take after me. It's the whole stealing and lying thing. I guess it's in the blood."

Hermes smiled at him then and Auto was sure that grin would look right at home on a shark. A little shiver raced down his spine.

"That's okay though. Your abilities and skills as a thief have won you an admirer. You've managed to steal a heart right along with that gem."

Auto puffed himself up a bit and stuck out his chest in pride. He was, after all, quite irresistible and another adoring fan was more than okay with both him and his ego. He wondered if his new groupie was that pretty little dressmaker's assistant. He could stand for a tumble or two with her before he had to get on his way again. Suddenly, his father's amused voice pulled him out of his thoughts.

"Congratulations. You will be getting married at the end of the month."

It took a moment for the true meaning of Hermes' words to sink into his skull and make sense. Once they did, he was certain that he was suddenly underwater because he could no longer breathe. His vision faded into dark sparkles and his heart stuttered in his chest. He was brought back to himself by a hand gently slapping his cheek. With a cry of dismay, Auto leapt up off of the bed and grabbed Hermes by his chifton.

"Married! I can't get *married*! An admirer, yes. A fan, also good. A quick tumble between the sheets is more than fine. But a *wife*! Oh no, not *this* guy. Been there, done that, almost didn't survive!"

Auto then tilted his head and looked at his father in concern.

"Wait! Have you gone mad? An insane God is not a good thing, just look at Strife."

Auto's face went pale.

"Did you get in an argument with the War God and get bashed upside the head? Is that it? Brain damage?"

With a long suffering sigh, Hermes grabbed hold of his son's hands and shoved him away. Glaring at the panicking thief, he pointed his finger and put his foot down.

"Aunt Fortune asked me for your hand in marriage and I said *yes*! There is no way on Earth or in Olympus that I'm going to upset the Goddess of Luck and Chance just so you can run around leaving scores of children on various barmaids. So you will do as you're told."

Hermes disappeared in a flash of power that rattled the single window in the room and expressed his anger eloquently. Still shaking, Auto slumped down on his bed and tried to keep from hyperventilating again. He had never personally met Fortune, but he had only heard good things about her. Plus, he often said small prayers to her and left gifts for her at her many shrines.

Trying to cheer himself up, he told himself that it could have been worse. So very much worse. A mental image of the time that the Goddess of Discord and Conflict had been turned into a giant chicken entered his head. All thoughts of being calm and controlled fled him at that point and he began to hyperventilate again.

~~~

"So, you see, your Majesty? If we don't get to Potedia soon, Jett will assassinate the new dance teacher. I mean, Xena's good, but... so is Jett. And well, he won't listen to me."

Iphicles looked down at the man gazing up at him with earnest eyes and frowned. The man did make some sense, but it was hard to concentrate on the details when his mind simply wanted to try and figure out what was up with that... armor? Forcibly pushing his mind back on topic, he posed a question.

"I can understand why you would want to stop your brother from killing an innocent woman, but I what I don't get is why someone would go to the trouble of hiring Jett for that. I mean, he's the best and she's just a dance teacher. Besides that, I can lend you a handful of guards to help, but for me to come with you personally? I'm the King of Corinth, I can't go off for an adventure, even to save a life."

Joxer frowned up at him, his eyes going even wider.

"But, your Majesty. She's not just *any* dance teacher, she's the daughter of a Muse! The Muse of Dance, to be exact! You *can't* let her just die!"

Iphicles just sighed and nodded his head. He would go and save this dance teacher. He didn't want the Muses angry with Corinth because he hadn't personally tried to fix this mess. The Muses might not be the most powerful Gods on Olympus, but they were the most creative. He shuddered to think of what they could do to him and his people. Groaning inwardly, he vowed to twist this whole thing around in his mind until it was somehow Hercules fault. It always made him feel better when he could point a finger at his brother and blame everything on him.

Iphicles was pulled out of his thoughts when his throneroom door banged open and two guards began dragging a third man inside. The man seemed awfully familiar and he looked a little wild around the eyes.

"Hercules! I need to find Hercules!"

He was also screaming directly into one of his captor's ears. Iphicles felt for the poor, and most probably, deaf man. Joxer, however, turned around and gave a startled smile to the lunatic.

"Auto? Is that you? Whatcha doing here?"

It was the guard that answered though.

"We found this nut running down the hallways shouting for your brother, your Majesty. In fact, he turned a corner and knocked me and Proticus down. So, we grabbed a hold of him and dragged him in to see you."

Iphicles made a face.

"Thanks awfully."

Autolycus just looked over at them with a pathetic and frightened look on his face.

"You guys have got to help me find Hercules. He has to do something about this whole mess before my father marries me off to Fortune!"

Identical looks of confusion washed over both Iphicles' and Joxer's faces. Auto didn't notice and kept on babbling.

"Not that there's anything wrong with Fortune. Honest. It's just that I've been married once and I gotta tell you, being married *hurts*! Cupcake nearly *killed* me!"

Iphicles had no idea what the deranged thief was screaming about, but if *he* was going to suffer for the gods, then so was Auto. Decision made, Iphicles stood up.

"Send for Terilsos. Have him pack up a travel bag for me and saddle three horses. I am taking these two men with me to the village of Potedia. We are going to try and stop Jett, the King of Assassins from murdering..."

Iphicles glanced sideways at Joxer.

"What's her name again?"

Joxer beamed up at him.

"The Widow Twanky."

~~~

After a day and a half on horseback with Auto and Joxer, Iphicles was tempted to drown himself in the nearest well. Joxer had fallen off of his horse four separate times and the horse retaliated after each fall by biting the warrior in new and interesting places. Auto on the other hand, was a very good rider. He also didn't shut up. He flip-flopped between panicking over his upcoming wedding to the Goddess of Luck and panicking over his upcoming meeting with his old enemy, the King of Assassins. If that wasn't bad enough, when Auto wasn't whining about his future, Joxer was singing his own praises. Iphicles was beginning to really *hate* that song, especially when he caught himself mindlessly singing along.

~~~

It was raining by the time that the three of them reached Potedia. It was only a light shower, but it was enough to make Iphicles think longingly of his long velvet cloak that he normally wore for State Functions, even if it was a God-awful shade of purple. Normally, he would sweat like a pig every time he had it on, but now that he was chilled and wet, he thought of it longingly.

Joxer led them through the town and up to the front gates of a small neat farmstead. With a grimace of mild distaste, Iphicles was forced to dismount from his horse and into the middle of a flock of geese. The rude birds made a huge noise that was certain to be more protective than a guard dog since the flapping and the honking was loud enough to rouse everyone from the small house.

Iphicles was able to recognize Xena and Gabrielle right away. They both thanked him for coming and then glared at Autolycus. When the thief explained about his upcoming marriage to Fortune and his desire to find a way out of it, neither woman seemed very sympathetic. In fact, Xena seemed to be oddly relieved. Iphicles had no idea why.

Just as he was about to loose his limited patience for being made to stand around in the rain, Joxer of all people, came to his rescue. He, not Gabrielle, introduced him to the remaining people and then made a pointed comment about the weather. Everyone took the hint and they went inside.

The Amazon Bard's parents, Hecuba and Herodotus, seemed to be good people. Open and friendly, they were happy to provide food and shelter for all of these strangers. Gabrielle's sister on the other hand, seemed to be a bit shyer and hung back behind her sister with large dark eyes that followed him everywhere. For the first time in a long time, Iphicles blushed.

~~~

With a frown in his face, Hermes watched in the scrying mirror as Xena tied his son up and charged the King of Corinth and her friend to make sure that he didn't escape during the night. Apparently, the Warrior Princess was planning to drop Autolycus off at one of his own temples as soon as the business with Jett had been taken care of. It wasn't Xena's actions that upset him, however, it was Auto's own lack of desire to do as he had ordered.

Fortune was a fun and loving woman who Hermes was certain would make Auto a wonderful and caring wife. She was also a powerful Goddess that could make a man, or God, end up crying himself to sleep each night. Hermes didn't want to see it come to that. He was far too busy to have to deal with an unending string of divinely inspired bad luck. And here his son was too stupid or too stubborn, he wasn't sure which, and it was going to come back to bite them both in the ass. There were just some Goddesses that you didn't mess with. Fortune was one of them.

Waving his hand, Hermes erased the vision of the farm from his mirror. With a sigh, he zipped out of his Temple and ran across the gardens and pathways of Olympus directly towards his nephew's place. Trees, flowers and flags all whipped about in the strong breeze his super-speed created and he left a blazing trail of sparkling energy in his wake. There was a loud echoing sonic boom ringing in his ears when he came to a stop in the middle of Cupid's open Temple doors. He flashed his most charming smile as he looked around. Cupid was nowhere to be seen and his grin drooped just a bit.

"Wha' da fu?.. Unc?"

The dark unruly spiked hair of the Mischief God was visible before the rest of him poked out of the middle of a huge pile of fluffy pillows. The two Gods blinked at each other stupidly for a long minute, Hermes in confusion and Strife in blatant relief.

"Oh, s'only you. F' a minute there I though ya were old dark an' deadly. Unc Ares may not be da best Dad around an' he may ignore Cupie most a da time, but he'd sure as shit freak da fuck out if he found *my* ass here, ya know?"

Hermes blinked some more. He had always like Strife. The Mischief God and he had worked together on several occasions in the past and he was also a good friend of his son Pan, but it still always took him a minute to translate the mangled Greek that continuously poured from the younger God's mouth.

"Don't worry about it. I won't say a thing to his Divine Broodiness. However, Pan told me that one of his shepherd's wives has come up with some new dye that is supposed to make sheared wool turn this bright green color. You *will* help me test it out on Artemis' hair."

He watched as Strife's eyes glowed at the opportunity to play such a mean trick even as he frowned at the thought of getting caught and pissing off such a powerful Goddess, especially when to piss of Arte was to also incur the wrath of her twin brother Apollo. Finally, Strife smiled.

"Cool. S'deal."

Hermes smiled and nodded. Then, remembering why he had come here, he frowned again.

"So, where is the winged hormone, anyway?"

Strife smirked.

"Cupie? He's out doing some evil thin's f' Gran'ma. Some poor sap got caught slippin' it ta another broad, if ya get my drift. She tol' Cupie ta make sure tha' da fool won' be slippin' it ta *no one* evah again." Strife grinned for a moment and then turned a suspicious look up at the God of Messengers. "Why?"

Hermes shrugged and frowned harder.

"It's Auto."

Strife's suspicions melted as he tried to figure out where Hermes was going.

"Auto? Da thief, Auto?" When Hermes nodded, Strife's frown deepened. "Hey, ain't he your kid or somethin'?"

With a sigh, Hermes began to wave his arms around even as he began to pace up and down the main vestibule of the Temple of Love and Romance.

"Yeah. See, Aunt Fortune came to me the other day and asked for his hand in marriage. I said yes. One, it's a good thing for Auto. She'll do all right by him and I know that he'll be happy. And two..."

Hermes trailed off, but Strife was able to finish for him.

"...and two, ya ain't stupid enough ta deny da Goddess a Luck anythin'."

Hermes nodded and frowned. He wasn't sure what to do. Cupid was his last hope, but he wasn't crazy enough to drag him away from a job for Hera. Hera was incredibly powerful and incredibly vindictive. He liked his parts all right where they were, thank you very much. It was at that point that Strife pulled him out of his thoughts.

"So, whacha need Cupie for?"

Hermes flashed a truly pathetic look at his nephew.

"Auto's a bit upset about the whole idea. His last wife was just a little unstable and he's got it into his head that *any* wife is a dangerous thing to have."

Strife giggled, but then he caught Hermes hurt look and tried to wipe the smirk off of his face.

"Don' get ya panties in a bind. I'll take care of it f' ya. Cupie may very well be da best fuck on Olympus, but he ain't da sneakiest God I've evah been around. I know where he keeps all his shit."

With a flash of light, Strife summoned Cupid's Bow and his Quiver of Arrows. Standing up from his pile of fluffy pillows he flexed his power again and dressed himself in his black leather armor. Looking over at the God of Mischief and Mayhem holding onto the God of Love's weaponry, Hermes had a brief thought that maybe this wasn't such a good idea, but then he pushed it aside. He *had* to get Auto to see the light and fall in love with the Goddess of Luck and Chance. Or his ass was grass.

"So... where's da victim... uh, I mean, groom-ta-be?"

~~~

The King of Assassins hid in the deep shadows as he watched the Widow Twanky out on the large open dance floor surrounded with young teens as she talked them through the basic moves of a popular dance. Her dress swirled around her legs and her friendly voice rang out in the dance hall. Idly, Jett wondered what she had done to earn a death sentence. Normally, his victims were rough and evil men that had committed many horrible crimes until someone had finally had enough and was willing to shell out the money to hire him to kill. But this lady didn't have a mean bone in her body. Still, a job was a job and Jett would do it. As soon as the kiddies were gone and the dance teacher was left alone he would strike.

~~~

Xena gritted her teeth and tried to ignore her companions. Gabrielle was trying to convince Auto that his lot wasn't so bad. While Xena could appreciate her friend's desire to cheer up the depressed and increasingly frantic thief, it was method that left a lot to desire. Bad poetry proclaiming the glories of love was *not* what anyone was in the mood to hear. Well, almost anyone.

Auto just glared at her over the gag that Xena had crammed in his mouth. King Iphicles winced at her horrible rhymes and inconsistent meter. Lila and Joxer, however, just stared dreamily and occasionally let out a soft sigh. Lila, while staring at the King and Joxer while staring at the bard herself. All in all, it was wearing on Xena's nerves.

Beyond grateful when they finally reached the dance hall, Xena lead her band of companions inside. They arrived just in time to watch the Widow Twanky give her final instructions to her students before she sent them on their way. Then, she turned around and flashed a beaming white-toothed smile at Xena and waved them closer.

"Oh my. More students, how lovely."

The dance teacher glided across the floor gracefully until she came up to Xena. Then, she frowned.

"Tsk, tsk, tsk. My dear, this outfit is totally wrong for dancing. You need something soft and flowing." And then, as if to emphasize her point, the dance teacher swirled around in a circle.

Wincing at this blatant display of girlieness, Xena glowered at her friends when she noticed them all staring at her outfit with various thoughtful expressions. She growled at them.

"Forget it."

Working to unclench her jaw, she offered a weak almost-smile to the woman who was the favored daughter of the Muse of Dance.

"We're not here as dance students. We're here because someone wants you dead and they hired the King of Assassins to murder you. We are going to stop him from doing it."

A frown crossed Twanky's normally sunny face and she turned to look over at the small group of minstrels in the corner.

"Boys? Why don't you take a break for lunch, huh? I've got some business with these people and the next class doesn't start for another two hours. Just be sure to be back in time to make beautiful music for our students. Okay?"

The four men stood up from their stools, smiled and waved as they all headed out of the dance hall. Xena heard one of them suggest going to the local tavern and was glad that at least those innocents would be out of the way of harm. As soon as they left, she motioned the Widow Twanky over and began to explain her plan.

~~~

Silently, Jett swore to himself. It was that dammed Warrior Princess and her damned Bard. He hated them. What was worse, they had that backstabbing thief with them. This job just became more complicated. He had to kill his mark, but he also had to keep out of Xena's way and if he was real lucky, he'd be able to kidnap the thief and make him pay for his crimes.

He watched as Xena explained that they would pretend to be Twanky's assistants so as to fool Jett and that they would protect her when he showed up. He took great delight in knowing their plan and them not even realizing that he was already in the building. Trying not to laugh, he watched as the dance teacher helped the group disguise themselves as dancers and musicians. He was almost sorry that he was going to have to kill Twanky after she'd managed to get Xena into that flowing gauzy pink dress. Jett almost hurt himself holding in his giggles.

He was almost afraid that he'd never get a chance to do his job when the opportunity appeared out of thin air. Literally. The God of Mischief appeared in a flash of light with Cupid's Bow aimed at that backstabber of a thief and everyone in the room turned to look at him, Xena's cry of "Strife!" echoing off of the rafters. This distraction was exactly what he needed and he dashed out of his hiding spot towards Twanky.

Praying to his dad thanking him for the timely arrival, Jett lunged at his target. Unfortunately for him, his prayer distracted the Mischief God and pulled his attention away from the thief he was aiming at just as he pulled the trigger. A look of surprise on his face Strife whispered, "Jett?" and turned around to face his assassin son. The arrow of True Love flew from the enchanted bow, heading not for the thief it was meant for, but for the dance teacher and the assassin.

The shimmering arrow hit Twanky in the back and passed right through her body to hit Jett right in the chest where it dissolved in a shower of golden sparks. Jett looked at Twanky, love shinning in his eyes. Twanky looked at Jett and swooned. Dropping his dagger, Jett lunged forward and caught the love of his life before she could hit the ground. Grinning like a fool, the King of Assassins glanced up at his shocked father.

"Isn't she beautiful?"

Strife blinked and then turned to look over at Xena and gave her a sheepish grin.

"Oops?"

Lila just gazed up at Iphicles with big dark eyes and sighed dreamily.

"Isn't that just so romantic?"

Iphicles cringed and tried to step away. Lila didn't seem to notice and she followed him.

Xena on the other hand, was not amused. She was just about to yell at Strife for meddling when another shimmer of power erupted in the air. When the sparkles faded, Cupid God of Love was there brushing a few stray rose petals off of his broad gold shoulders.

"Strife? What in the world are you doing with my Bow? You *know* I don't like it when other people play with my toys when I'm not around."

Strife shifted his sheepish grin over to his secret lover and giggled. When Cupid's expression didn't soften any, he tried to explain.

"It's not my fault. Honest. I was just tryin' ta help out Hermes. See, he told Aunt Fortune dat she could marry Auto here and he's got cold feet. So I was tryin' ta stiffen his backbone a bit. Then Jett here distracted me an' I accidentally shot him an' da broad wit' one a your arrows."

Cupid stared at Strife for a long moment and then he crumpled, sighed and forgave him. Strife tried not to smirk. His lover might have a bit of a temper, but he was always a sap for weddings and love and stuff.

"Fine. I'll help. But I'm only doing this for Aunt Fortune. She deserves happiness and a fulfilling marriage."

Strife nodded his head and wisely kept his mouth shut. Besides, he enjoyed watching Cupid work.

With a last sigh, the God of Love walked over to the bound and gagged thief and grabbed him gently by the chin until the man had no choice but to look up into Cupid's bright green eyes. A tiny frown of concentration made its way over Cupid's face and his other hand began to glow golden. Then, Cupid lifted his glowing hand and gently bopped Autolycus on the forehead with it. The glow transferred from the Love God's hand to Auto's head and then slowly sunk in. Cupid then whispered at Auto.

"You love the Goddess of Luck and Chance and are extremely happy and honored to marry her."

A glazed look crossed the King of Thieves' eyes and he echoed Cupid in a flat monotone voice.

"I love the Goddess of Luck and Chance and I am extremely happy and honored to marry her."

Cupid peered one last time into Auto's eyes and then nodded his head. Standing back up, he turned around and smirked.

"Damn, I'm good."

Everyone was suitably impressed. Well, almost everyone. With a frown on her face, Xena walked over to his lover and Strife wondered briefly why she was dressed like a floozy instead of like a warrior, but finally figured that it was some mortal thing that he would never understand and ignored it.

"That's great that you were able to help Auto and all, but what about those two?"

The Warrior Princess pointed to where Jett and Twanky were cuddled together in a corner cooing and giggling at each other.

"It's probably not a good idea to leave her in love with the King of Assassins. Eventually, he'll kill her."

Cupid frowned. Iphicles frowned. Gabrielle frowned. Lila gazed stupidly at Iphicles. Joxer flashed a begging look at his father and Strife sighed in exasperation at the prayer he received from the youngest of his triplets. Mostly because he agreed that Jett deserved some love and happiness. Frowning himself, he stepped forward.

"Uh... Jett ain't exactly da King a Assassins anymore. He's safe."

Everyone except Joxer looked at him in confusion. Strife fidgeted. He hated being stared at.

"What? He dropped his dagger an' *dat's* da source a his killin' skills. It's cursed an' anyone who carries it will be da King of Assassins. I should know, I gave it ta him."

Just then, the four minstrels that worked for the Widow Twanky came back from their trip to the local tavern. They were all drunk and singing loudly and off key. One grabbed at Xena, one grabbed at Gabby, one grabbed at Iphicles and one grabbed at Joxer and then they began to swirl them around the dance floor to the tune of a raunchy barroom song. With a wicked giggle, Strife grabbed his lover and disappeared from the dance hall.

No one noticed that Lila had sneaked over and scooped up the cursed Dagger of Assassination and tucked it into her boot. Then, she turned at glared at the drunken minstrel that was swinging *her* beloved Iphicles around the dance floor. He would be the first to die. Anyone who came between her and her love would die. On that, she swore.

~~~

Auto carefully and methodically worked his way out of his bonds while Xena and Iphicles tried to get the drunk musicians to go away without having to resort to violence. This was all very exciting he supposed, but he had more important matters to take care of. It was almost the day of his wedding and he just *had* to steal his lovely bride a gift worthy of her.

*fini*