Title: Men on List Mom II
Author: Christine
Contact: QsMistress23@hotmail.com
Fandom: Xena/Hercules
Rating: R
Codes: Ares/Joxer
Archive: My site and AJCS
Disclaimer: Well, folks, I don't own these particular characters even
though I worship them. Is that the same thing? *listens to lawyers*
Thought not.
Feedback: Yes, please. After everything that's been happening lately,
I could use some happy, happy, joy, joy stuff.
Author's Note: For Hergerbabe cause I'm her bitch and for Carrie
cause I'm her bitch too. Yes, pimp me like the 'ho I am. =p
Summary: Why life has been sucking for me lately. Actually, mostly
why I've been quiet and absent recently.
We zoom in on two men and a little boy. The two men are arguing over
something, while the little boy is staring wide eyed at the two of
them, let's move in closer to hear what they're saying.
<:^| Ares, I'm telling you. The world is flat.
@:-| No it's not. The world is round, dearest. Didn't you ever wonder
what in Tartarus Atlas was carrying around with him this whole time?
<:^\ I just thought it was a big ass rock. I didn't stop to ask. He
looked like he was mightily constipated to me. *looks up as he spots
the camera man right in his face* Good morning, Greece! I'm Joxer.
@:-| And I'm Ares.
<:^) Welcome to yet another episode of Men on. Today, on this fine
Navy day, er, I mean fine day. We're here to talk a little about
what's going on with List Mom. As some of you may have noticed, she
hasn't been around anywhere lately.
@:-| She's probably been fighting with her pimp again. What was his
name? Sugar Bear?
<:^\ Er, Ares? *cringes as he catches a glimpse of a pissed off
looking list mom*
@:-| Or was his name, Shaq?
Audience: Shut your mouth!
@:-) I'm just talking about Shaq.
<:^o Hey, Ares!
@:-\ What?
<:^| List Mom does not have a pimp named Sugar Bear or Shaq...
Audience: Shut your mouth!
<:^| AHEM! *watches as audience squeals and hides behind their
neighbors, they sort of look like toppled over dominoes* As I was
saying. She is here RIGHT NOW and I was just about to welcome her to
the show. Anyway, let's all give a round of applause to List Mom.
List Mom: *waves at audience while walking onto the stage, only to
stop at her seat to park her butt in the soft, squishy chair waiting
for her* Hello, Joxer. Ares.
<:^) So, I've heard you've been through a great deal in the last
month. Tell us about it.
@:-| *mumbles 'butt shark'*
List Mom: I'm sorry?
@:-\ Er, I said 'tut, s'dark'. *smiles and breathes sigh of great
relief when list mom turns her attention back onto Joxer*
<:^\ Uh huh. Anyway, go ahead.
List Mom: Well, Joxer, it's like this. Been packing up the house the
last month, getting ready to move away from a place worse then
Tartarus...
@:-| Zeus' bed chamber?
List Mom: Okay, eeew, but no. We were getting ready to move away from
Texas and move to Virginia.
<:^\ You said 'were', what happened?
List Mom: Well, the hubby decided to get sick. *at Joxer's frown, she
went on* Oh, he didn't do it on purpose, his gallbladder decided it
didn't like the living arrangements and tried to commit suicide. Poor
hubby was sick for over a week before the dumb ass doctors finally
noticed it wasn't heart burn or acid reflux.
<:^( Maybe you should have consulted Apollo or Asclepius. I'm sure
they would have been able to find out what was wrong with your
husband.
List Mom: Oh, Joxer, dear. I'd have loved to, but I don't think he'd
have been able to spot this little booger. They had to use an
ultrasound to find the nastiness of what was happening.
<:^\ A wha...?
List Mom: Er, it's something that uses sound waves to bounce on
something else so you can see inside of yourself or someone else.
*sighs at the blank ass looks she receives from both Joxer and Ares*
Nevermind. We'll be leaving on time, but looking for a house up there
was cancelled for obvious reasons.
<:^| Uh huh. So, this is why you haven't been writing recently?
List Mom: Among other things, yes. The movers are coming at the end
of the month and only about half of the house is packed up. I'm lazy
right now. Everything that happened with the hubby kinda took the
wind out of my sails.
@:-| I hate it when that happens. *glares at Joxer*
<:^\ What? I'm not the one who thought crunchy peanut butter would be
a good lubricant. I mean, sure, it's tasty to lick off but not to go
spelunking in.
List Mom: Er...
@:-| Well, I suggested fish oil, but you told me it reminded you of
Meg's establishment and erk by the way. I couldn't look at another
fish for months after that. Xena wasn't very happy when I missed her
birthday, you KNOW how she is about fishing.
<:^) Yup. Serves you right though for giving me a rash. What were you
sitting in when that came about?
@:-| Damn Strife. He wanted my opinion on what to wear to his wedding
to Cupid and I told him it didn't matter as long as he kept his pale
ass covered.
<:^| Your head must've been killing you.
@:-\ Why do you say that?
<:^| Oh, just it must have taken quite a feat for your two little
brain cells to stop chasing each other and actually think that remark
up.
@:-| Uh huh. I wouldn't talk, at least *I* don't go around wearing
kitchen implements as 'armor'. Why was that? Hated carrying it in
your pack so decided wearing it would be easier in case you got
hungry.
<:^\ You know, just because we're married, it doesn't mean I have to
knock boots.
@:-o Eep! Sorry, dearest. You're...armor, is actually quite striking
when one looks closer. *smiles and bats eyes*
<:^\ *is not impressed, but let's it slide, for now* Anyway, List
Mom, anything else going on with you?
List Mom: *sighs* Not a whole hellava lot really. Taking care of
hubby, packing, trying, trying being the operative word here, to
write. Other then that, just sitting back, watching paint dry. You?
<:^) Well, this little guy, sucking on his thumb, is our son, Shawn.
Shawn: *looks up with thumb still in mouth, sees list mom, smiles
shyly and continues sucking thumb while leaning on Ares* //...hey,
i'm staying out of this one. bad enough, daddy'll wind up sleeping on
the sofa again...//
List Mom: He's cute. Anyway, Joxer. Ares. It's been a pleasure, but
I've got things to see and people to do...
<:^\ Um, don't you mean people to see and things to do.
List Mom: Uh, yeah. *smiles and gets up to walk off stage, waves once
again at audience as they applaude*
@:-| Well, this episode of Men on was pointless.
<:^) Not really. We have five more minutes left, so why don't we ask
members of the audience some questions?
@:-| Oh, why the Tartarus not. It's not like I've nothing better to
do. *sigh*
<:^D Right then. *Ahem* Scribe!
Scribe: *looks up from notebook and waves shyly at Joxer* Hey!
<:^) When's the next installment of 'Seeking Balance' coming out?
We've been waiting ages. Thanks for the bottom!Ares part though.
@:-( Yeah, thanks ever so. //...bitch...//
Scribe: I heard that! Don't make me get out the ouchie chair (tm).
@X-o *faints*
<:^\ Er..
Scribe: It'll be a bit, I've got so many wips out that I'm up to my
nostrils in stories of all fandoms. I'd give you a time frame, but
then I'd have to kill you.
<:^\ Alrighty then. *looks at watch* Well, Greece. That's all we have
for this installment of Men on. I'm Joxer and the big lump of leather
and hair out cold on my right is Ares. And we'll see you next time.
Director guy: And cut! That's a wrap!
<:^\ Hey, Ares?
@:-| But, Mommy. I don't wanna eat my ambrosia. It tastes like
Cerberus' poo poo.
<:^o Ares! *smacks hubby's cheeks*
@:-\ Wha...? Oh, what happened?
<:^\ You fainted and I don't even wanna know how you know what
Cerberus' crap tastes like.
@:-| Er, I was young and stupid. Ahem, so is the show over?
<:^\ Yup and I'd be careful for the next few months. I think
someone's going to have an owwie story written about them.
@X-o *faints again*
<:^\ *sigh*
Tune in next time for more zanny installments of Men on. Will Ares
ever learn to keep his yap shut? Will Scribe ever write more AJCS
stories? Will List Mom ever get the Tartarus out of Texas without
something shitty happening? Who the fuck knows, but tune in anyway.
We're sure it'll be fun if not worth it.
Fade to black.
The End.