Title: Tableware
Author: Corona
Fandom: Xena
Rating: R
Archive: Yes, want ask, take, have.
Pairing: C/S
Warning: Swearing and brandishing of suspicious objects.
Disclaimer: I don't own anybody here. I never have done and I never will.
I'm borrowing all of them for this story, I'll give them straight back
afterwards.
Series: No
Summary: Strife complains, then attempts to show Cupid how not to recreate a
battle.
"Ok call me stupid if you will but why do you all bother fighting with
Hercules and Xena when you know blasting them into oblivion isn't allowed.
You pretty much have to let them win all the time anyway." Strife peered at
Cupid from between his folded arms, shifted his head far enough until he
could scowl upwards.
"What and let them get away with everything. Let them think they actually
can win?"
"They don't seem to be doing too badly so far." Cupid inclined his head
towards the pack of ice that Strife had clamped to his shoulder. Strife
scowled at it, then scowled at him again.
"It was a total cock-up, I swear the entire universe loves em, even the damn
scenery comes to their rescue, they made us look like idiots!" Strife leant
on his other arm and groaned.
"If we were allowed to kill em they'd be dead, and they'd stay dead, they
wouldn't get Annual Tartarus Passes like Iolaus. Strife growled and rotated
his shoulder.
"It can't have been that bad." Cupid balanced both elbows on the table.
"It was..." Strife waved a hand, then stopped and winced. He looked down at
the table, carefully set his ice down.
"Ok I'll show you what happened." Strife used the other leather-clad arm to
clear a space on Cupid's table.
"Ok pretend this is the field just outside of Thebes ok, that knot in the
table and that stain whatever that is, that's the main gate." Strife fiddled
through the pile of things he'd dislodged.
"Right and Hercules can be...this...what is this?" Strife squinted and
peered closer. Cupid raised an eyebrow.
"Hercules is apparently a big red cock." Strife raised at eyebrow at Cupid,
who shrugged.
"Does the big red cock have a big red owner somewhere?" Cupid nodded.
"It's modelled on Bacchus?" Strife set the thing down on the table and
scrutinised it, then peered over the top.
"And you have it on your table why exactly?" Cupid grinned.
"It makes for an interesting centrepiece." Strife shook his head.
"Ok, ok never mind, so Hercules is gonna be portrayed in this story by a big
red cock, which is sort of fitting I guess." Strife stretched out another
hand and snagged a little yellow potion bottle.
"Ok and this is Iolaus, he was pretty much hiding behind Hercules like a
weenie, so he goes there." The potion bottle was slotted behind Bacchus
pride and joy. Strife looked up along the table, chewed a lip, then waved
frantically.
"Oh no doubt about it, pass me the nipple clamp, no the big silver one with
tiny spikes?" Cupid shunted the object across the table with a grin. Strife
picked it up, then positioned it a few inches away from the other two.
"That's Xena, vicious bitch that she is." He poked it until the teeth were
facing towards him.
"And..." more fiddling amongst the variety of odd tableware.
"Gabrielle can most definitely be the gag, if only in the hope that she'll
manage not to open her mouth at all during the demonstration." Strife tried
to set it down but the ball kept rolling away. He eventually put the
material over the nipple clamp like a little hood.
Cupid gestured at the display so far.
"Gabrielle was sitting on Xena?" Strife glared
"No she wasn't sitting on Xena. I don't want her rolling away." Strife
stretched a hand out and pulled a jar towards him. He opened it and peered
inside, made a noise and tossed the lid away.
"Ok Ares is the big jar of lubricant, he was standing in front of Hercules."
Strife set the jar down hard enough to make Hercules sway gently from side
to side.
"I'll be the set of handcuff's since they're silver and black and most
definitely not cock-shaped." He leant forward far enough to tug them across
the table. Cupid sniggered at him.
"I was over here, exactly three feet to Ares left, facing Hercules." One of
the cuffs was pivoted to stare at faux Hercules.
"Mom was somewhere over here." Strife took another look up the table, picked
something up, frowned and tilted it, then tossed it over his shoulder.
"I have no idea what that was." Another small rubber thing was given the
same treatment, a longer wooden object was experimentally swished through
the air, then tossed aside as well.
"What is this? No don't tell me, I don't wanna know." Metal clinked against
metal, a few things hit the floor and bounced, or in some cases wobbled,
away.
"Aha, right this can be Mom." Cupid frowned and tilted his head to one side.
"Your Mom looks an awful lot like a plug." Strife set the object down beside
the jar of lubricant so it leant drunkenly into the glass.
"That's why it's perfect." Strife grumbled moving Iolaus and Hercules
forward a little.
"Ok so Mom went at Hercules first." The plug was shunted across the table
and leant against the red monstrosity in the middle of the table.
"I was fighting Xena." The clamp was poked out from beneath Gabrielle and
carefully clamped round one of the cuffs.
"Ares was taunting Gabrielle...where's Gabrielle?
"She rolled off the table." Cupid pointed out helpfully.
"Screw her then." Strife shifted the jar of lubricant.
"Then Xena threw me somewhere over there." Strife admitted, he unclasped
Xena and sent her on a collision course with Discord, before carefully
tossing the handcuffs back up the table.
"Then Hercules went after Ares." Strife shunted the cock effigy across the
table with a rubber squeak.
"Iolaus was sort of helping, well getting in the way and trying not to get
killed." The little potion bottle was balanced next to Ares too.
"Well Gabrielle's gone but she and my Mom were over there somewhere." Strife
frowned up the table, peered behind Ares.
"What did I do with Mom?" Cupid, who was making the oddest squeaking noises
pointed up the table.
"Umm, she's rolling in that direction." Strife snorted.
"Typical, she's running away, screw her too." He went to shift Xena, but his
finger caught the spring and she snapped high up into the air, turning end
over end.
"Dammit, get back here." Xena hit the table and went careening off in the
direction of the couch.
"Shit." Strife had leant out to catch her, which did wonders for his
shoulder and his chin, which both smacked the table so hard it shuddered.
Iolaus jumped into the air before coming down with a crack and leaking all
over the woodwork.
Hercules wibbled, swayed, then tilted and fell head first into Ares with a
squelch.
Strife sighed and drummed his fingers on the table, while Cupid lay sprawled
shrieking into the woodwork.
"Not exactly how the battle ended.," he pointed out.
"This is much easier with little pots of salt and pepper you know?" Cupid
was now sliding out of his chair.
"Fine go ahead and laugh." Strife scratched at the wood, rotated his
shoulder again. Cupid stopped laughing and made a quiet noise.
"I'm sure it was a very frantic battle, I get the general...mood of it
anyway." Strife grumbled something under his breath.
Cupid very pointedly lifted Hercules out of the jar of lubricant and tossed
him until he could be heard bouncing across the floor. Then he picked up the
jar by it's rim and stood up. Strife glared at him. Cupid leant down and
threaded an arm through Strife's good one before very carefully pulling him
to his feet.
"I think I could be persuaded to get some little salt and pepper pots, maybe
even a jar of mustard." Strife gave him a suspicious look.
"Really?" Cupid sent him a mock put upon look.
"Well if it will help make the battle recreations more realistic?" Strife
pretended to think about it.
"Well I dunno, if your centrepiece fell in a jar of mustard that would
really smart."
Cupid smirked.
"Well then..." he jiggled the jar.
"Maybe we should just take my father into the bedroom." Strife blinked,
snorted.
"You have no idea how kinky that sounds." Cupid grinned.
"Oh yes I do."
END
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