Welcome to AresJoxerCupidStrife

I couldn't help it. I was tempted to send something finished for you all and I started thinking about Eris and her desperate need for therapy and plot bunnies attacked me. This was the strange result, hope it amuses you. Enjoy, Enjoy

Title: Therapy
Author: Corona
Rating: PG13 (for a bad word)
Archive: Want, ask, take, have.
Pairing: none
Warning: More weirdness (Get out of my head fairies)
Disclaimer: I don't own anybody here. I never have done and I never will. I'm borrowing all of them for this story, I'll give them straight back afterwards.
Series: Only if someone wants another patient.
Summary: Zeus has proclaimed that everyone have therapy. Ares doesn't think it's funny.
Notes: I have nothing against Psychotherapists, Psychiatrists, Psychologists or anything else beginning with 'Psy'. But I am allowed to make fun because I have them in my family.

"I'm fine you know, I don't need to do this" Ares had already tried flat refusal, angry indignation, threats, now he was attempting to be diplomatic.

His mother was having none of it.

"Whether you do or don't is beside the point Ares. Zeus wants everyone to do this" she scowled briefly, and Ares could see the words 'even me' floating in the air.

"I'm fine"

"Then you have no reason to worry do you" Ares attempted to glare at his mother. Hera had lots of practice being glared at, and she was better at it anyway.

"What exactly does this entail" Hera peered at her fingernails.

"I honestly don't have a clue, most likely just enough to make sure we're not all drooling, giggling, bug-eating lunatics. There was a brief thoughtful pause.

"I take it Mania and Bia are exempt" the corner of Hera's mouth twitched.

"I don't think they'll make it within fifty feet."

---

Ares shuffled around outside Asclepius room, feeling like an idiot. He was nervous, not that he'd admit it to anyone...ever. It wasn't surprising.

Especially with his son wandering around all pale faced and white knuckled, muttering in fractured sentences. 'Submissive personality...insecurity...lack of ambition' and then his twin sister had appeared wearing something he could only describe as 'yellow' and attempting to smile, he would admit she was getting better at it but it didn't make it any less creepy.

Apollo was last seen heading for his temple, there was a brief wail of epic proportions and no one had seen him since. Aphrodite was nowhere to be found and Strife kept trying to blame everything on 'abandonment issues.' The whole thing had turned Olympus into a circus. Well he wasn't going to put up with anyone trying to wheedle anything out of him.

He knocked on the door, Ha let Asclepius try and make him look the slightest bit insane. "Come in" Ares paused, put his ear to the door. What sort of tactic was this? He decided to do as the voice said, pushed it open. Asclepius was seated at a long wooden table which appeared to have drawers.

"Ah Ares, please have a seat" Asclepius didn't look up. Ares wasn't surprised, maybe the decorating made him queasy. The walls were a far too cheery lemon colour and you could lose a shoe in the damn carpet, which was peach. The ceiling only managed to be less offensive because it was far away. A sort of violet colour, different tones on the corners, though he wasn't cocking his head to find out which.

The only place to sit was a long red couch, you couldn't sit on it without sliding ungracefully to the floor. You had to sort of sprawl instead. In a tacky legs open sort of way. Aphrodite had the patent on the damn things. Asclepius spun and smiled like some benevolent grandfather. "Good morning Ares, how are you feeling today?"

Ares clenched his jaw, thought of several responses he could make, wondered if they made him sound insane, eventually, when Asclepius started to shift uncomfortably, he offered.

"Fine" Asclepius grinned, nodded, uh oh what was he looking so happy about.

"Good, that's good" Ares scowled, so he had already fallen into a trap of some sort. He'd have to pick better tactics.

"Right first we're going to try a little test to determine the focus of your subconscious mind." Ares blinked, glared, thought about moving one of his knives into his lap.

"What sort of test?" Asclepius produced several large pieces of paper and smiled, set them down.

"I want you to look at the pictures and tell me what you see" He moved one in front of Ares. The God of War pulled back instinctively, then frowned and leant forward. It looked like someone had spilled something.

"This one's ruined, someone split ink on it" Asclepius shook his head gently.

"No it's supposed to look like that, you look into the mass and let your mind construct it's own pattern" Ares raised an eyebrow, Asclepius sighed.

"What do you see?" Ares looked down again.

"A piece of paper with a damn great splodge on it" Asclepius gave him a look.

"Yes but what does the splodge remind you of" Ares very slowly raised his head and caught his nephews eyes. Asclepius was leaning on his hands, head tilted, quill whirling round and round between his fingers. His nephew looked...he was lost for words, but it was disconcerting.

"Why should a splodge remind me of anything?" he looked at the paper again. It was a big splash of ink, squashed in the middle, almost perfectly symmetrical. It was a mess.

"It's a mess!" Zeus what more could he possibly say. Asclepius merely nodded, made a professional sounding 'Hmm' noise and handed him another sheet of parchment.

"How about this one?" Ares glared, snatched it, turned it upside down, frowned at it.

"Mess...no hang on" he tilted it slightly.

Actually it did look a little bit like Xena's little friend, the skinny one. What was his name...Pox? There were splodges in all the right places. There was his helmet, with the wingtips, Jinx? Oh and that had to be the sword made by a blind man, the left splodge, slightly overenthusiastic, Lixer? The curly squiggly bit could be his nose, facing sideways, Jorex?

"Joxer!" Asclepius jumped visibly.

"I'm sorry?" Ares slapped the paper down on his desk.

"Joxer, the splodge looks like Joxer" Asclepius blinked.

"Who's Joxer?" Ares shut his mouth abruptly.

"He's...one of my warriors" he said, then shut his mouth again. Asclepius made another 'Hmm' noise and wrote something down.

"What's that, what are you writing?" Asclepius shoved the pad into the crook of his arm.

"Ok now I'm going to ask you a few questions" Ares glared, folded his arms.

"Ask" Asclepius nodded. "Tell me about your relationship with your mother" one of Ares eyes twitched, Asclepius obviously noticed it because he wrote something else down.

"Is that important?"

"Do you think it's important?" Ares was confused.

"She's my mother" Asclepius merely sat there, nodding helpfully, smiling.

Ares felt a horrible urge to fill up the silence.

"She's my mother" he repeated.

"She did mother things"

"What kind of things?" Ares eyes narrowed.

"Where are you going here?" Asclepius raised an eyebrow

"Where do you think I'm going?"

"Stop that!"

"Stop what?" Ares slid a knife out of his vest and waved it under Asclepius chin.

"Stop answering my questions with questions and give me a straight answer before I slice your throat open."

Asclepius carefully lifted a hand, wrote something on his little pad.

"What are you writing now?" Ares tried to peer over but couldn't see anything.

"I demand to know what you're writing down" Ares looked down at the knife, and at the hand he'd fisted in Asclepius robes. This had the possibility of looking very bad. He cleared his throat and sat back, the knife vanished.

"So we were talking about Joxer" Asclepius shifted his quill, Ares eyes followed it as it ran across the pad.

"What? What did I say?" Asclepius dropped the quill and steepled his fingers.

"How long have you known Joxer?" Ares frowned

"What's he got to do with anything?" he was ready this time, he managed to teeter forward on the unbalanced couch and glimpse 'Denial' being scribbled down.

"What about your father?" Ares lost his balance and went sliding off the couch.

"Bastard" then he cringed when he realised he'd said that out loud. Damn Asclepius, Ares felt like he was under siege by an army of attack kittens.

"He's not important"

"He's King of Olympus" another note was taken down.

"How's your sex life?" Ares pulled a face, then glared.

"What does that have to do with my father, or Joxer for that matter" Asclepius blinked, then hurriedly wrote something down.

"Hey, stop that, I demand you stop writing things down." Asclepius peered up at him. "I don't think I have anymore questions"

"Well?" Asclepius scribbled a bit more then looked up. Ares let his hands settle on his hips.

"Am I sane?" and oh the words dripped sarcasm, not that he cared. He didn't like the little smirk his nephew gave him.

"Do you think you're sane?" Ares gave an almighty bellow and thumped Asclepius desk. It cracked spectacularly straight down the middle, spraying the contents to the floor. The two halves went sideways and hit the marble quite loudly. Asclepius swallowed and looked up.

"I think we're outta time"

---

Ares slumped against the wall. Let his head fall back and smack on the marble, several times.

"That nosey, good for nothing little...aargh"

"Are you all better now?" Ares tilted his head to the side. A figure detached itself from the shadows. Too tall to be mortal and too thin to be naturally alive, something shiny glinted from every joint. Ares considered the question.

"I'm much angrier" the newcomer settled against the wall.

"I wanted to see the doctor too but they wouldn't let me" Ares gave Bia a long look. One of his eyes twitched. The other appeared to be boring a hole through Ares forehead. It was strange to see him unrestrained, it suggested he'd escaped from wherever they kept him during the day.

"It's probably for the best" the God of Violence hummed happily. Lifted something that had previously been part of his anatomy. "Want to lick my knife?"

Ares gave the steel a long considering look. "You know what, maybe later, I have someone I need to find" Bia grinned, nodded.

"Ok I'll leave this one for you special" Ares turned to walk away. "Tell Joxer I said hi" in the time it took Ares to spin around, Bia was gone.