Part 1 Part 2 Part 3 Part 4 Part 5
Title: Who's who?
Author: Corona
Rating: NC-17 (I think)
Archive: Want, ask, take, have.
Pairing: Er J/A C/S Joxer/quite a few, hell it's complicated.
Warning: Er, some grossness, some rude bits, some bad language.
Disclaimer: I don't own anybody here. I never have done and I never will.
I'm borrowing all of them for this story, I'll give them straight back
afterwards.
Series: No
Summary: I saw this challenged somewhere, Er I forgot who or the
stipulations but I liked the idea, and being me, ran with it. Joxer and Ares
bodyswap and weirdness occurs.
"Your boy may be War but he doesn't have a lot upstairs" Poseidon poked his
temple with a large blue finger.
"If you know what I mean" Zeus managed to look affronted, despite the
copious amounts of strange purple stuff he'd drunk.
"Ares could puzzle his way out of anything" Poseidon pulled a face.
"Ares, bah, he couldn't puzzle his way out of a bale of hay" Zeus gestured
with his mug, managed not to cover his blue brother with aforementioned
purple stuff.
"Ares works well under pressure, he's been a mortal several times you know,
didn't get killed once" Poseidon scowled and swung a hand, sending a shoal
of fish spinning away.
"Hah, with his little daughter along for the ride, and everyone knowing who
he was" Poseidon's face clearly said this was cheating. Zeus spluttered his
way out of his own mug.
"But he was mortal, one of those messy, fragile things, barely poke one and
they break!" Poseidon grumbled some more.
"I remember one I got annoyed with once, nasty business" Poseidon, fearing
his brother would go off on a tangent concerning some of his many sexual
conquests cleared his throat pointedly, bubbles obscured his view long
enough for Zeus to be dragged back into the present.
"Well it's not like he'd actually die, it's not like we're entirely
corporeal" Zeus glared at him. Poseidon heaved another barrel through the
water.
"Oh don't give me that look, it keeps the youngsters in line"
"But he's been through it all, that takes something" he pointed out again.
"But still he had protection." Poseidon thumped his mug down for emphasis
and covered eight inches of his beard in purple foam.
"I bet it wouldn't be so easy if no one knew who he was!" Zeus scowled, his
brother would not win this argument, he was King of the Gods around here!
"I'll bet you brother that he wouldn't last a day without being killed or
maimed or somesuch" Poseidon quirked an eyebrow, looked completely adamant.
Zeus, refusing to be outdone, or showed up, lunged forward on his chair.
"A deal brother" he snapped.
Poseidon ran a huge hand through his floating beard.
"But he can't be himself, I decree he gets to ride another body" Zeus pulled
another face, unwilling to have the rules made up for him. Fates that's what
he was king of the Gods for wasn't it. So he could make up his own.
"My son is very particular" Poseidon gave a huge bark of laughter.
"I have just the man, is it a deal brother" Poseidon held out his hand,
grinned. It floated there, looking blue and ominous, it wasn't like he
could back out, and he 'was' confident in his son. Zeus scowled but thrust
his own hand into it. The heavens shook briefly, there were several showy
flashes of lightening. Then they released each other.
"Is there any more purple stuff?" Poseidon shoved over another mug. With any
luck his brother wouldn't ask what was in it.
---
Joxer sniffed, moved his head deeper into the pillows and then snorted in
annoyance when a feather poked him in the nose. Which was odd, since he
didn't remember there being pillows when he'd fallen asleep, or feathers.
Come to think of it there definitely hadn't been a bed. Or a hand which was
casually making it's way up his left leg.
He peeled open an eye and frowned. Yes there was definitely a hand sliding
up his leg. For one brief second he had a vision of Gabrielle accosting him
in the middle of the night. Which seemed so unlikely that for a second he
considered ignoring it.
"I know you're awake" he frowned, that voice was familiar, though strange
women very rarely tried to feel him up in the middle of the night.
He flailed with a hand until it slapped bare flesh, soft bare flesh. He
moved his hand slightly. 'Wow' soft round bare flesh. It took him exactly
half a second to realise what he was holding. Then he snatched his hand away
with a gasp and swiveled onto his back. Came face to face with a very naked
Aphrodite, she was grinning, at him!
"Hey gorgeous" she waved with the hand that wasn't currently
investigating...Oh Gods! He squealed, grabbed twin handfuls of sheet and
yanked it to his chin. Then he kicked her extraordinarily dexterous little
hands away from certain interested parts of his anatomy.
She gave him an utterly wounded look, which tilted slowly into aggrieved
annoyance.
"Hey, you invited me remember"
"Huh?" it was the first word he'd actually managed to get out, and it
sounded like it had been lodged in his throat for a week, he was pretty
certain his voice wasn't naturally that deep. With effort he refocused his
eyes on Aphrodite's.
"What are you doing-" his eyes slowly drifted sideways, scanned the room. It
was done mostly in ornate black marble, and the very comfortable bed was a
black monstrosity with sheets the colour, and surprisingly texture, of old
blood.
"-here" because it was obvious here wasn't where here was supposed to be.
She thumped both hands onto her hips, which made her entire chest do quite
marvelous things, forcing him to squeeze his eyes shut and rearrange several
folds in the sheet.
"You invited me! I told you already." Joxer opened his eyes, depressed to
discover Aphrodite still very naked. Ok this was possibly the worst morning
of his life, or in certain circumstances the best.
"It's getting kinda cold too" there was a fraction of annoyance in her voice
now.
'Aphrodite was cold, get her some clothes...Oh please Gods get her some
clothes'. He made a short noise and tugged the second sheet open. He bobbed
forward and settled it round Aphrodite's shoulder before very carefully
pulling it together at the front and knotting it. Hoping fervently that she
wouldn't fry him for catching her in nothing but a smile.
Aphrodite gaped at him, eyes wide as the great lakes. No one in her entire
life had ever, ever dressed her. Not even when she was a mere slip of a
thing. People were supposed to take her clothes off. Now her brother, Mr.
'sex now' was making her sheet toga's and rejecting her amorous advances.
---
Joxer patted her shoulders gently, cleared his throat.
"I didn't see a thing" he offered, which was apparently the wrong thing to
say because now she was scowling at him.
"What is with you this morning? Hestian priestess much" then something
twitched in her eyes.
"Or are we playing?" she grinned slowly and slid two fingers into the top of
Joxer's sheet.
He held on to it, on the off chance she wouldn't use Godly strength to just
rip it off. Oh and that thought wasn't helping his self control one bit. His
fingers were actually going white at the knuckles. She tugged, once, twice,
then scowled.
"Forget it, just forget it, you're obviously tripping this morning, I'll
amuse myself shall I?" the last part was said with a tiny leer. Which made
some small Neanderthal part of Joxer's brain want to grab something. He
told that part of his brain quite loudly that grabbing anything attached to
Aphrodite was liable to have him singing Soprano, or possibly worse, being a
natural one.
"Ok then, Bye" he wheezed and yanked the sheet over his head.
Joxer waited just long enough for the angry exclamation of surprise and the
flash of light which he could see under the sheet, then peeked back out
again. Yep, the naked Aphrodite was gone. With any luck she'd stay away,
because then he could wake up. He twined the sheet round him and struggled
to his knees, crawled all the way to the end of the bed, slid off of it less
than gracefully. First he was going to get out of here, he could wake up
later. Get out first, find a door. He padded across the cold marble floor
and discovered more than one door, many doors. A whole room full of them.
He groaned and went back the way he'd come trailing red silk after him like
some absurd tail.
"Gotta get out" he stopped dead and peered behind him. Wow his voice was
different. That sort of thing usually only happened when Xena dragged him
through burning villages. He blew dark hair out of his face and appeared
back in the bedroom.
"Door" he yanked open the first one he saw. Ok not a door, well technically
a door, but it led into a wardrobe. Not his obviously, any money he had
never stretched to clothes that fine.
He groaned quietly and came back out of the wardrobe. He debated briefly
whether he'd been kidnapped. He figured kidnap victims didn't wake up to
naked Aphrodite's. Unless she'd come to rescue him but there was no good
reason for her to do that naked. Most people that rescued him gave him a
sort of bug look and made teeth noises. It would probably be best if he put
the whole Aphrodite episode down to a head injury, though maybe he'd keep
the naked bit.
The next door he tried turned out to be a bathroom. Not a 'bucket of water
and a hole in the ground' bathroom either. This was a proper bathroom, a
shiny bathroom. You could probably have squeezed a dozen people into the
bath, if that was your thing. Well there were enough black towels and bench
space for twelve anyway. He came back out again, shut the door behind him.
He'd lost the desire to try opening any more doors, it was horribly obvious
that this was somewhere he didn't belong, time to leave before someone
figured that out.
He stopped in the middle of the room. He couldn't very well make an escape
attempt wrapped in a sheet, he was a little slow but he wasn't stupid. He
went back to find the wardrobe. Which was when he passed the mirror, and
screamed.
He had to stop when he ran out of breath. This was bad, this was the
awful-est most huge bad thing in history. According to the full length
mirror on the wall he wasn't him. Not only was he not him, he appeared to be
Ares God of War, wrapped in a sheet.
---
Part 2
---
'Yes, kill them all. No not that one, he was amusing. The way he was
crawling across the battlefield trailing innards. Oh and look here was his
brother, dragging himself broken and bleeding, yes...yes.'
"Get up!" Ares gasped harshly as a small boot hit him in the side. 'Who in
Tartarus was kicking him? Because when he found out he was going to...' he
opened an eye. Found himself looking at an upside down Gabrielle.
For one second he thought he was still dreaming. That was the only place he
could think of where an upside down Gabrielle would kick him. Before of
course she died a horrible squishy death. Then she vanished, unfortunately
the horrible cold feeling in his back was still there, it had company,
because one of his feet was itching and there was grass in his ear. This
wasn't how Gods were supposed to wake up, he'd been one long enough to
puzzle that out.
He levered his body to a sit, blinking desperately because his damned eyes
wouldn't adjust to the light. He saw spots, lots of spots. At the minute
that was about it. Oh no that wasn't quite true, now he could see his
daughter. Looking very majestic all haloed in the sun. That was until she
threw something at him, it hit him in the stomach and, surprisingly, sent
all the air out of him in one great gust.
"You getting up any time today" he was seconds away from sending a very
concise and carefully worded sentence back at her but she'd gone. He gaped
faintly, then slammed his eyes shut when he was nearly blinded. 'How dare
she? How dare she treat him like some mortal and then disappear' He threw
whatever it was she'd tossed at him into the dirt and struggled to his feet,
well he would have struggled to his feet if he hadn't been lying in a hole.
He did however manage to keep one knee out of the mud.
"How dare you!" the effort was wasted, his daughter had already gone. Which
was even worse, how dare she treat him like dirt then not even stick around
to be insulted. What was worse he was mortal again, he could feel it. He'd
gotten quite used to that horrible squashy fragile feeling by now. So
someone had made him mortal and dumped him with his daughter again. Though
admittedly she was usually more respectful than this.
He stood up and moved a hand in front of him, felt all his internal organs
drop to his feet. That was not his hand, that was no more his hand than
those were his legs. His eyes widened and he blinked. No wonder his daughter
had treated him so poorly, he was in someone else's body. He snarled, this
was fabulous, he could be some murderer or something. What if his daughter
killed him without ever knowing who he was. He'd be a bloody laughing stock.
"Aren't you dressed yet, Gods what is wrong with you this morning!" Ares
lifted an eyebrow, oh it was her again. The blonde one.
"Excuse me?" Gabrielle had apparently got bored already because she'd
already turned away. Oh would someone please let him finish a sentence. He
turned around and scoured the ground for anything, anything that could
possibly tell him who he...His eyes settled on the object Xena had thrown at
him when he woke up.
"Oh No" he offered, 'Oh Gods no'. He lifted the monstrosity in two fingers
and sneered at it. Oh you had to be kidding. He looked down. Yes he was
wearing the armour made of kitchenware.
"Oh fuck" well he didn't have to worry about accidentally making a laughing
stock of himself.
---
Part 3
---
Joxer was learning the definition of blind panic. He'd already tried the
running back and forth, which got him tangled more thoroughly in the sheet
and reminded him why men were not good at attempting to run nude. Which sent
his mind swirling in directions he did not want to consider. Especially
since that was exactly where his hand wanted to go when he misjudged his
stride. He sat down instead, resisted the urge to yank the sheet over his
head.
Why couldn't nice things happen to him, why couldn't he kill the bad guy and
get the girl for a change. It's not like the Gods would be that nice to a
clumsy idiot like him. No lets scare the Tartarus out of him by letting him
wake up as Ares God of War, won't that be good for a laugh.
He peeked out between his fingers. Did that make him a God? Or just an Ares
shaped Joxer the Mighty? Now that was a scary thought. No strike that,
terrifying thought. Xena was going to kill him, Hercules was going to kill
him. Oh God Ares was going to do horrible sharp things to him and then kill
him.
So did that mean he was on Olympus? He couldn't resist a brief wide-eyed
grin. 'Wow' wouldn't that be something. His face fell, 'uh oh I'm on Olympus
imposterizing Ares God of War' they probably thought up special punishments
for that. Completely forgetting the sheet for a moment he stood up and
hurtled to the double doors. He had to tell someone he wasn't Ares. Had to
tell someone there had been a huge mistake. He yanked the doors open.
"Ares...Whoah" and immediately slammed them shut, clothes would probably be
a good idea first.
---
"I'm yrrrflug" Xena raised an eyebrow
"That's nice Joxer" Joxer stamped a foot and actually growled at her.
"No Joxer dammit, I'm Albatross" that scowl was back
"I'm your f...f...flug" more eye-rolling and another pout, Joxer settled his
hands on his hips, struck his Joxer the Mighty pose and pouted? Xena cocked
her head to one side, Gabrielle appeared behind her and gave Joxer an amused
look.
"Bad night?" Xena shrugged
"I'm beginning to think so, he keeps telling me he's my flug?" Gabrielle
offered her own curious eyebrow into the proceedings.
"What's that?"
"I haven't a clue"
"Are you two listening to me!" oh now Joxer was yelling. Xena scowled
"Joxer stop yelling we can hear you just fine, we can hear you flugs and
your yurgles. Now come get some breakfast and maybe you'll recover the power
of speech."
She gave him the face that said 'and that's an end to the matter' because
the last thing she needed was a rambling Joxer. He was bad enough the rest
of the time. She looked at Gabrielle and sighed, shrugged. Gabrielle grinned
over her shoulder and gestured. Xena turned, oh Tartarus what was he doing
now?
"Joxer will you get up out of the mud" she snatched the stick out of his
tightly clenched hand and glanced down.
"Praying in the dirt?" she wiped it out with her boot and nudged a groaning
Joxer towards breakfast.
---
This wasn't working, it so wasn't working. He was wearing the pants and the
boots and even the vest and something was off. He ventured nervously towards
the mirror, approached it from the side and peered at it. He'd never
actually seen Ares pale, sweating and terrified. That was exactly what
stared back at him.
He stopped looking at the face and checked the clothes. They looked right,
from feet to neck he looked like Ares. Tall, scary, black he'd fulfilled the
basic God of War requirements so what was the problem.
"The problem is I'm not Ares" he muttered and then shuddered at the sound of
his own voice.
He tugged the vest straight, then tugged it sideways, then tugged it again
and worked out that 'ouch' chest hair hurt when you accidentally pulled it.
The trousers were too tight, they were probably cutting off the flow of
blood to...'ok we're not going there'. His hair was all floppy, like when he
was ill, not godly at all. He couldn't work out whether you had to comb a
beard or not, it looked ok, itched a bit though.
It was a credit to his own stupidity that he had never noticed he had a
beard, that should have been a big clue. He fluffed the hair, then chuckled,
then coughed the chuckle away. His brain kept telling him to stop touching
Ares, which was funny, really funny. Just what was his own body doing
anyway? Was Ares in his body? If he was, why was he in his body? Maybe he
wanted to get close to Xena. Joxer hoped fervently that Ares was taking care
of it. It was the only body he had.
---
Part 4
---
There was no point! He'd spent the entire morning trying to tell someone,
anyone that he wasn't Joxer the Mightily pathetic but Ares God of War. It
wasn't working. He'd attempted telling a tree and was encouraged when he
explained quite eloquently to said spruce that he was Ares God of War. It
listened politely and didn't interrupt. So he'd marched back to camp and
made a total arse of himself Flug-ing and Albatross-ing. It was a sick joke
and there was no one around for miles to laugh.
All he was in danger of doing was convincing them that he was completely
mad. Gabrielle was babbling again. Why in the name of everything did she
think he was the slightest bit interested in what Lydia gave her husband for
his birthday or how Pelonius goat was attacked by a vicious mad dog. Even
his daughter had tuned her out. She was nodding like her head just might
fall off. He was worried he'd have to start hanging on to his own.
He was in Tartarus, it suddenly clicked that he'd died and his Uncle was at
this very minute laughing his arse off. He was doomed to spend an eternity
being ignored and stalked in equal measure. Gabrielle wasn't content to
whine, grumble, complain, preach and moralize to herself. Oh no she needed
an audience.
No wonder Joxer was an idiot, any intelligent thought the poor man had ever
had was probably squeezed out by this woman's constant babble of utter
rubbish. It was hard to tune out as well. The tone kept changing, one moment
it was high and squeaky and the next a sinister sort of drone.
SMACK!
"Are you listening?" Ares blinked, raised a hand to his head and blinked in
utter shock. That had actually hurt, quite a lot. It wasn't a soft 'Hey are
you still there?' tap, he'd had enough of those from Dite. It was a real
'I'm going to give you brain damage' whack that even Hercules couldn't power
up to. Without comment he snatched the staff from the surprised bard and
swung it, fully intending to take her silly blonde head off.
---
'Right lets try this again' Joxer pulled open the double doors, peered
outside. The man that he'd startled with his nakedness had gone. There was
just a long wide stretch of corridor, not helpful since he had no idea where
to go. He couldn't just stand here forever. He had to be honest, maybe
they'd be lenient if he was honest and not throw him out of the nearest
window. So all he had to do was find a God and explain everything.
Preferably a nice one, less likely to do him serious harm.
Which was easier said than done, he decided when his feet started to hurt.
The corridor had to be miles long and there was no one here! Unless they
were all busy being invisible and laughing at him.
Maybe these were the Halls of War? He figured not when his pants started to
wear thin, if anything they were the Halls of Magnolia or maybe even the
Halls of Boredom. He slumped against the nearest wall.
"Hello!" the echo bounced far off into the distance.
"Little help here!" the echo brought back bored silence.
"Somebody!" he bellowed, actually bellowed and managed to scare the Tartarus
out of himself. He was still recovering when a flash of light appeared right
next to him.
"Alright what'd I do now huh?" and there was a God in his face, just like
that! A God floating just off the floor, hands on hips, eyes narrowed. It
was a good face to be angry with, sharp and edgy, all blue and peach, a
fruity face. The hair was better, spiky blonde hair staying up all by
itself. Joxer realised he was frightened because even his mind was babbling.
The God leant closer.
"I sent him to Sparta, did I not tell you already. The guys in Sparta, so
Dite's wigged that the sister went too and she by the way thinks you've
flipped. I told Dis you're not happy and yes I got to her before Athena
could throw a tantrum. I gave Heph the order, he's pissed that Hercules
threw his new shield through that tree by the way, took him ages to get it
nice again. Your little minions are marching, Strife hasn't blown anything
up yet so I don't see the- Ares...Ares!" there was a hand waving in front of
his eyes, it moved to reveal a very worried face.
"Er... you ok there" it took a minute for Joxer to realise that he'd stopped
talking.
"No Ares, Noxious, huge mistake. It's all not my fault, definitely not my
fault. I'm Noxious! Aaargh what's wrong with my mouth. I didn't want to say
that. Noxious, is me, help please, don't throw me out of a window!" Now he
was very confused and feeling really odd, what was wrong with him. He tried
for another go.
"Noxious the Marmalade" which hadn't helped one bit if the Gods face was
anything to go by. He concentrated so hard it hurt and there was a smashing
sort of sound behind him but this was far too important to be interrupted.
His brain was really hurting now.
"Help" he decided on and then the world when spinning and he vaguely felt
himself be grabbed by panicked hands. Someone was yelling for Asclepius
which was probably good.
---
Part 5
---
People were talking, far away in the distance, just past the buzzing.
"So what's the deal with the noxious marmalade?" an old person chuckled from
far away.
"Well it would be far too easy to just let him explain himself wouldn't it"
grumbling, adolescent sounding.
"Don't see the point, bringing a mortal here, did you see what he did?"
"I saw quite well" warning tone used with children. The conversation got a
little clearer and Joxer figured eyes could be brought into the proceedings
any time now. He attempted to open them.
"Ahh, you're awake I see" he shut them again, since no one wanted to wake up
to the King of the Gods peering at them from three inches away. He
whimpered.
"My my, Pos was right it seems. You really are a unique individual" Joxer
didn't want to think too much about what he meant by unique, especially
since the other God was coughing. It was the one who'd talked at him a lot.
Then apparently caught him when he passed out, embarrassingly.
"I'm..." Zeus patted him.
"I know, you're Joxer, perfectly alright, everything's under control"
"But..."
"You'll be in this body for a while yet, at least until Ares manages to win
my bet, or lose it, in which case well I'm afraid you should perhaps make
the most of the next few days. It shouldn't take much longer than that"
Joxer gaped briefly.
"What..."
"Nothing much, just sit around here I suppose, try not to concentrate on
anything too hard, rebuilding that much of Olympus is quite an effort you
know" Zeus patted him on the head.
"I'm sure you'll find this fun, I can quite imagine some of the priestesses
falling over themselves, that will be nice won't it." Joxer felt his eyes
drifting from one blue eye to the other.
"Why?" Zeus chuckled.
"Silly mortal, because I can and because it will be most amusing" Zeus
patted him on the head again then vanished in a wall of white.
Joxer sat on the little white couch, perfectly still. He let it all sink in
very slowly. 'It's a game, it's all a game and they've stuck me here and
they don't care if I get broken or even killed.' He blinked slowly, 'and
he's doing exactly the same thing to his own son, only it doesn't matter if
he gets broken and killed because he's indestructible.' Only that didn't
make it right. In fact that made it worse, much worse.
He was startled when a hand settled on his shoulder, he looked up and found
the God staring at him, looking oddly sorry. He peered closer, sandals,
floating, pretty boy.
"Hermes?" the God nodded then sat down beside him.
"I should have known, Ares just doesn't do dread the way you do kid?" Joxer
found a smile, Hermes looked half as young as him.
"The Old Goat he gets his kicks in strange ways, don't take it personal"
Joxer folded his hands.
"I shall take it very personally if I die" but he just couldn't work up the
enthusiasm. Hermes patted his shoulder,
"Somehow I don't think Ares is gonna get you killed" Joxer sighed.
"If it's any consolation feel free to strut around and be Ares, Zeus has
told me to keep my trap shut, I tend to click and salute when it comes from
the big guy."
"Huh?" Hermes shrugged. Joxer didn't feel much like thinking about
pretending to be Ares, he could barely be himself at the minute.
---
Ares stolen weapon was snatched out of his hands and waved in front of his
nose.
"Will you two quit fighting for five minutes, I can't hear myself eat over
there." Ares debated making a grab for it, weighing up 'getting to hit
Gabrielle over the head' and 'getting a second dose of brain damage.' His
hands were still hovering uncertainly when Xena gave up and wandered away.
Gabrielle was scowling at him, he couldn't really care less but a suspicious
Gabrielle could make his life difficult, or impossible considering he could
die like this. In so many disgusting ways.
"What's with you today?" he couldn't think of an answer that would come from
Joxer, maybe something along the lines of 'Duh' would be appropriate here.
He actually gave it serious thought, then shrugged instead. The blonde bit
appeared satisfied though she didn't look very hard. Instead she started
unpacking her bag all over him.
"Well I think you should at least try and be a little less insane, we'll be
going through three villages tomorrow and Xena doesn't want you causing
trouble." Ares frowned, how could Joxer possibly cause trouble. Well
anything other than accidentally. Joxer was about as dangerous as pollen.
Ares plucked a shoe off of his knee, then gaped when Gabrielle picked it
back up found its twin and shoved it into his bag. What was he a pack horse!
"Why am I carrying those?" Trying to sound less than murderous was hard but
Gabrielle merely gave her little headshake and smile maneuver.
Then she frowned at him, peered closer, as if that wasn't the reaction she'd
expected, and suddenly it clicked. Murderous urges returned with avengeance.
The little bitch, she knew Joxer had a thing for her, she'd probably known
it for longer than the poor idiot and it was suddenly quite clear that she
milked it for all it was worth. He was seconds away from telling the lazy
bitch to carry her own shoes when he had a horrible idea.
---
---