Title: You Knew What You Were Getting Into 13/?
Author: Scribe
Fandom: Xena
Pairing:Ares/Joxer est.
Status: WIP
Previous sections can be found at http://www.AresJoxerCupidStrife.com
Series/Sequel: Part of the Love and Mischief Universe
Summary: Ares has a talk with Joxer after he discovers Bliss and Accord are interested in each other 'that way'.
Archive: Yes
Disclaimer: I did not create and do not own any readily recognizable media characters. I have no agreement, legal or otherwise, with the creators or owners. This is purely for entertainment--I have not made, do not seek, and will not accept any profit for it. This story is in no way meant to reflect on the lives or life styles of the actors/actresses who originally portrayed the characters. I have nothing but fond affection and respect for them, for giving me so much entertainment, and no disrespect is meant by anything herein.
Rating: Adult for series
Warnings:
Notes: There will almost certainly be discrepencies between this version and the one in Childhood Sweethearts. This is a fictional universe--deal with it. Ares is almost six months along here.
Personal Websites: http://www.scribescribbles.com and http://www.angelfire.com/grrl/foxluver (which can be reached through the previous site).

You Knew What You Were Getting Into, 13/? by Scribe

*Flash* *whack*

"Ow!" Ares rubbed the back of his head. "Joxer, you're not supposed to hit a pregnant man."

"Zeus might have been able to get away with that excuse," growled Joxer, "but THAT," he whacked him again, "is not where you're pregnant. 'Be careful.' ARES!"

"Hey, that's a perfectly legitimate farewell. How many times have I told him to be careful when we part?"

"But this time you weren't warning him about petting strange dogs or taking baklava from strangers."

"He didn't know that."

"Then why say it?" Ares sat down, rubbing his forehead. Joxer saw how confused and pained his husband was looking, and relented. Sitting beside him, Joxer said, "Look, Ar--I know this has got you befuddled, but you don't need to make an issue of it. We both knew that Accord was going to get romantically active soon. We've talked about it."

"But we never discussed him getting involved with a family member."

"This being Olympus, and since it wasn't going to be you or I, it just didn't seem like a big issue. If the gods were strict about never touching the issue of their own blood the population up here would be much sparser."

"I know. But a son hooking up with a grandson is still pretty eyebrow raising, even by our standards."

Joxer studied him. "Is it just the relations issue?"

"What else could it be?" Ares shrugged. "Sure, I've been looking forward to grandkids, but..." He noticed Joxer's swiftly darkening expression, and realized his mistake.

"I'm not even going to mention Strife and myself," said Joxer, his voice very calm and controled. "I'm just going to do this." He reached out and gave Ares' mounded belly a firm rub.

Ares' voice was genuinely contrite. "I'm sorry, babe. I'm long past gender issues, you know that. This just sort of took me by surprise."

Joxer relented, and hugged Ares' shoulders. "Ar, you're the most brilliant man in existance when it comes to battle tactics, and you're a pretty damn good judge of character, but when it comes to romance..." Joxer tapped Ares' forehead with his knuckles. "Thick as a brick."

"I'm not that bad."

"How long did it take you to realize that you loved me?" When Ares started to speak, Joxer held up his hand. "Realize it and ADMIT it to yourself."

"The admitting took awhile," said Ares reluctantly. "But what about you? How long was it before you knew you loved ME?"

"Oh, I've always known that," said Joxer simply. When Ares cocked an eyebrow he continued, "I'll admit that it took me a little longer to realize that I was IN love with you." He frowned. "It was that whole godhood thing. I kind of knew it, but I was denying it because it seemed so hopeless. I thought if I didn't admit it, I wouldn't have to deal with it." He smiled. "So you're not the only one in this family who occasionally doesn't see what's under his nose--but my case isn't as severe as yours. Ares, I want you to consider this carefully. Don't you want the best person in the world for both Bliss and Accord?"

"Of course I do."

"And can you think of any two individuals who'd make better mates for anyone?" Ares started to say something, then closed his mouth. "They've been moving toward this for a long, long time, Ar. Maybe you were just too close to both of them to see it. I had a little distance on Bliss, and I think that helped. Tell me--how long have the boys been best friends?"

Ares shrugged. "All their lives."

"I'm going to take that a step further. I say they've been best friends since before Accord was born. Bliss was the first person to know that Accord was on his way. I think he knew even before I did. And do you remember how he used to 'talk' to Accord, when he was still inside me? We thought we were humoring Bliss. Now I'm not so sure. I think there's a very good chance that the boys share a connection that goes beyond what's readily observable."

Ares grunted. They just sat together for a few moments. Finally Ares said, "You knew."

"As close to knowing without seeing physical proof, or having a confession--yes."

"Cupid knew?"

"I think so."

"Strife DEFINITELY knew. Something like this is right up his alley. I guess Dite knew. The Fates must've known. Am I really the last one to know?"

"Nah. I'm pretty sure that Demeter hasn't a clue."

"Oh, that's a comfort." He was quiet again, then he chuckled.

"What?"

"I bet the Fates have been sweating about whether or not they should make some sort of pronouncement about this. I'm just glad that I don't have to interpret whatever sort of gobbledygook they would have come up with." Joxer laughed. "What?"

"I'm imagining Gabrielle pouring over the prophecy, trying out different interpretations, correcting their grammar." He shook his head. "You can add her to the clueless club, Ar. She'd never figure Bliss and Accord because unless a guy either wears a dress or kisses another guy in front of her, she can't imagine him not wanting a woman--probably her."

Ares pressed a hand to his belly. "Please. I'm over morning sickness--don't get me started again. When do you think they plan on telling us?"

"I'm pretty sure that none of this is planned. We didn't plan what happened with us. Cupid and Strife didn't plan... Wait." Joxer smiled. "I think maybe Cupid did. But people usually don't set dates on things like this. Actually, I think there's a good chance that there won't be any 'official' announcement. I don't think that Bliss and Accord are going to come in here holding hands and say, 'Dads, there's something we need to tell you'. I think they give us credit for eventually figuring it out on our own."

Ares ran a hand through his hair. "Looks like their belief in my perception is misplaced."

"You're late, but you caught it. You not only caught it, but you're carrying it very well. Before we got together and I exercised my," he rolled his eyes, "civilizing influence on you..." Ares snorted. "Gabrielle's terms, not mine. Before that, though, I wouldn't have been surprised if such a situation wouldn't have had you roaring and slinging fire balls. Not necessarily AT anyone--just on general principles. You didn't even swallow your tongue--you just came close to hyperventilating. I'd call that real progress." He patted Ares on the shoulder, then stood up. "I guess I'll go check that oak tree to be sure there's going to be room for Accord's owl. And Mjau is just going to have to stay in one room till I can get Accord to talk to Sophie and Scribe to talk to Mjau."

Joxer went out into the garden, and Ares did what he was doing more and more often lately--located a chamber pot and put it to good use. As Scribe had said more than once, a good tinkle at the right time could change your entire outlook on life. Ares was hoping that it would at least clear his mind a little.

It didn't help much, so he sat down again, and thought. Bliss was a good boy. Accord was a good boy. They were both decent, loving, kind, sensible... Ares recalled Accord's last foray along the edge of the roof. *Well, RELATIVELY sensible, anyway. These are two of the people that I love most in this world. Like Joxer said, can I honestly think of anyone I'd trust one of them with more than the other one?*

He glared at the ceiling. "If there's a Higher Power, like Gabrielle yammers about, all I have to say is that you have a damn odd sense of humor, and you can't POSSIBLY be a father."

*FLASH*

Ares dropped onto the sofa beside Joxer. Before Joxer could say anything Ares said, "Just a second," got up, and left the room. Joxer smiled. He wasn't able to hear the hiss of urine into a chamberpot, but he knew it was happening. A minute later Ares re-entered the room and sat again, lacing his hands under the swell of his belly. "These kids are going to be Titans."

Joxer tried not to laugh. "It just seems that way. Though I have to admit, you have two more months to go, and you're as big as I was right at the end."

"Thank you." Ares looked around the room. "Where's our first contribution to our descendants?"

"Well... He WAS in the garden. Then Bliss came by. A little later I heard a lot of yelling coming from the kitchen, and a very pissed off cook came and told me that we wouldn't be having tipsy trifle for dessert tonight unless Accord and Bliss couldn't finish it all."

Ares smiled. "They're together? Good."

"Well, someone has certainly changed their tune."

"It may take awhile for some things to get through, but they do eventually." He sighed, rubbing his belly.

Joxer put down his scroll and patted his lap. "Head here." Ares happily turned on the sofa, lifting his feet up onto sofa and laying his head in Joxer's lap. Joxer started massaging Ares' temples. "I'm glad you're okay with this. In laws can be stressful even if you start out amicably. I know that things went a lot easier with Hera and Zeus than I had any right to expect, but still... I'm surprised I didn't go through our first year of marriage with a screaming case of hives."

"Mm. You really think it's going to go that far?"

"How far?"

"In laws far."

"You can never tell--but--maybe." Ares chuckled. "What?"

"It's going to drive the bards crazy. I can hear it now." He held up his hands, as if framing words. "'And then Accord and Bliss were joined.' 'Wait a minute--isn't Cupid Bliss' dad?' 'Yes.' 'And isn't Ares Cupid's dad?' 'Right again.' 'And isn't Ares ALSO Accord's dad?' 'Yes.' 'So isn't that a little...'"

Joxer held up his hands, too. "'Are you going to be the one to ask them?'"

They both had a good laugh, then Ares hauled himself to his feet with a grunt. "I think I'll go see if they left any of that trifle. I've got a craving for something sweet."

"Shock, shock."

Ares kissed Joxer on the forehead. "Thanks for not suggesting I have an apple instead."

"The cook put peaches and raspberries in the trifle. You'll be getting healthy stuff."

"I'll still eat it."

"If there's any left."

"Oh, come on. I've seen the size of the bowl they use to make trifle. Surely even Bliss and Accord combined couldn't finish all of it." He left.

Joxer smiled nostalgically, murmuring, "They might not EAT it all, but if you remember our first anniversary, there are other uses for pudding..."

A Month Later

Joxer half awoke as Ares got out of bed. He'd gotten used to the God of War having to get out of bed for anything up to a half dozen times a night to use the chamber pot. If he wanted to he probably could have slept through it by now, but he'd made a conscious decision not to. He didn't want Ares, in his condition, wandering around in the dark, not even in their own home.

Ares was gone longer than usual. When he returned Joxer was fully awake and a little worried. "I was afraid you got stuck, or something." Ares sat on the bed, not climbing back under the sheets. "What's wrong?"

Ares was silent another moment, then said, "Probably nothing. He IS an adult now, so..."

"Did you walk in on Accord jerking off in the bathing chamber? He ought to know enough to lock the door by now."

"No, not that. I think he learned his lesson after that time Impetua walked in on him when he was fourteen. The point is that he wasn't THERE for me to walk in on. I stopped to take a quick peek in his room..."

"Ares."

"I know, I know." He rubbed his belly. "I can't help it. Hell, lately I've had to resist the urge to tell Cupid to stand still so I can straighten his feathers and comb his hair. I don't understand it. I wasn't like this when Dite was expecting him, or you were carrying Accord. This gives it a whole new perspective. Anyway, he wasn't in his room. I did a quick tour, and he isn't anywhere in the building, or out in the garden. He's left the premisis."

"You're sure he left under his own power?"

This was a serious question. There were people and entities out there who would love to get control of a god, and young gods were more vulnerable, therefor greater targets. "Yes, there wasn't any trace of negative energy. There WAS a divine trace in his room, but I couldn't identify it. I suppose it must have been Bliss. I can't think of anyone else who'd be likely to be in Accord's room, and want to hide the fact." He was quiet for a moment more, then reached for his boots.

Joxer grabbed his arm. "No, Ar."

"But Joxer, we have no idea where he is."

"He's an adult now--those times are going to happen. You said yourself that there was no hint of aggression in the room. And I know the types of wards you've had set up around this place. Demeter has to get special dispensation to come around when she's pissed off about Hades because her mood is so confrontational." Joxer stroked Ares' arm. "If he isn't back by tomorrow we'll mount a hunt, but I don't think we have to worry. He's just out... being a young man." Joxer smiled. "Even I snuck out a few times, so don't try to tell me that you never did." Joxer kissed him. "Go to sleep. Even if you HAVE given up most of your duties, you still need your rest."

Bliss came into the bedroom the next day, asking for Joxer to braid his hair. He wanted to look particularly nice, because he had something unspecified, but important, planned.

Ares had felt a huge wash of relief when he'd seen that Accord was alive and unharmed. He'd told himself that he wasn't going to say anything about the previous night. He did. That's what the man told himself. However... He found himself saying, "...I had to get up last night for the usual reason--damn, the chamber pots are getting a workout--and you weren't in your bed. You weren't anywhere in the building, either. Son, I've come to terms with you and Bliss being interested in each other, but sneaking out..."

It had come dangerously close to a family row. Accord was understandably indignant that his father had been 'checking up' on him. He'd told them in no uncertain terms that what he did with Bliss was HIS business, and that he HADN'T sneaked out to be with Bliss. He'd been out on something relating to Ares.

Ares had deflated a little and apologized, and Accord had understood, marking it down to Ares being 'broody'. Then he'd explained about his little trip to Earth. Accord had been worried about Ares. He'd figured out that pregnancy and giving birth could be dangerous, and now his father was facing that. When he was eight Accord had deduced from the careful way everyone spoke about the time around his birth that there was something they didn't want him to know. Naturally that made him even more curious. He's snuck into the Halls of Time and viewed his own birth. What he'd seen had horrified him. His father Joxer had come close to dying, bringing him into the world. His father Ares had almost gone insane with worry and grief. Everything had come out right in the end, but...

He wanted to understand everything he could about having babies. What was it that drove people to that sort of risk? He wanted to SEE an actual birth. The unknown usually isn't quite as frightening once it's no longer unknown.

Accord explained how he'd gone about it, with Strife's help. Ares covered his eyes and shook his head when Accord talked about dressing up like a girl. He assured Ares that he hadn't gone the whole route. He'd refused make up--"Because I was supposed to be a respectable girl in a responsible profession. Wouldn't have been right, ya know?"

There was a little more discussion, and it was determined that Accord was feeling easier now--not so worried. If it made his son more comfortable with what was happening, then Ares considered his own upset to have been compensated.

By the time that was sorted out, Joxer had fixed Accord's hair into a beautiful braid. He tied it simply with a leather thong, forgoing the usual bow. From now on if Accord wanted anything like that, he'd say so. Joxer was going to try to keep from pushing childish things on him simply because that was how it had always been.

Accord hugged them both, said good-bye, and left. Joxer went over and embraced Ares, who was looking a little melancholly. "What's wrong?"

"He really is grown up, isn't he?"

"He really is." They were silent for a moment, then Joxer said mischieviously, "He was taking a lot of care with his looks. I wonder where he's going, and why he needs the garden to himself."

Ares gave him a disbelieving look, then smiled. "Oh, riiiight. It's called a rhetorical question because I'm supposed to already know the answer, isn't it?" He leaned his head against Joxer's shoulder. "If this goes as far as it might, who's coloring do you think the kids would get--Accord's, or Bliss'?"

Apollo's priest was more than happy to bring Ares a glass of milk and a banana. Joxer didn't really need anything, but he politely accepted a glass of wine and some cookies. For a long time he'd refused such little courtesies, not wanting to cause any bother, till Ares asked him if he realized that by turning away these freely offered gestures of affection and respect he was insulting the mortals.

Apollo finished checking on the few patients he had at his temple, then went to greet his visitors. He gave Ares a quick check, nodding in satisfaction. "You're so healthy that it's almost disgustingly earthy. Put your feet up on that stool." As Joxer helped Ares prop his feet up, Apollo settled on the sofa beside him. "Okay, we can't wait any longer to decide how you're going to deliver the babies. You only have between two and three weeks left, and..." he smiled at Joxer, "we all know that even with me it's just an educated guess. First thing, we COULD do a surgical extraction, like we did with Joxer. I don't like that, though. We did it for Joxer because there was no way to slow down or stop the labor, and I was afraid that a strain was being put on the baby. But it's never a good thing to slice someone's abdomen open, so I want some other way of doing it."

"How about the way Strife did it?" said Joxer.

"I don't think that would be feasible, since we're talking about a multiple birth. Impetua had to really push to get out, and I'd be worried about the second baby."

Ares lowered his glass of milk and glared at Apollo. "You're not going to suggest the other natural passage, are you?"

"Please. I'm not that gross. Besides, no matter how well you clean, I just wouldn't be comfortable with the risk of infection."

"Well, I'm stumped," said Joxer. "If it isn't through an incision, through the bellybutton, or... uh... How else could it be done?"

"Ares," said Apollo, "You aren't going to like this. I want you to keep repeating to yourself--'for the sake of my children'."

Ares looked at Joxer. "I don't like the sound of this. Okay. 'For the sake of my children'--what?"

"I've been working with Gaia. You know how many creatures of the lower order are both male and female--like worms? And Joxer, with all your gardening I'm sure that you know that flowers have both male and female reproductive parts."

"I'm not sure I like the direction this conversation is turning," said Ares.

"Just shut up and let me explain this, please. I thought that the best way to deliver babies would be in the way that was originally provided."

"Since I don't have a vagina," said Ares heavily, "that would be a problem."

"This is going to take forever if you keep interrupting me. Okay, we know that there's a fairly easy way to provide female bits--witness Hermaphroditus. However that's permanent, and I was sure you wouldn't want that."

"No joke."

Apollo ignored the interruption and kept talking. "The object was to figure out a way to provide an exit for the babies that could be removed, or healed, or whatever afterward. I discussed things with Gaia--since she's the one who invented flowers, she'll know more about it than anyone else. She took a great interest in this project, we've worked together..." he smiled, "and I'm very pleased with the results."

He waited. Joxer put his arm around Ares' shoulders. "Babe?"

Ares sighed. "Go on."

"For the past five or six months she's been breeding and cross- breeding plants and flowers, and she's finally come up with a completely unique flower. She calls it the Transitive Hermaphroditus." Apollo materialized a small scroll and unrolled it, showing it to Joxer and Ares. It was a delicately colored picture of a feathery looking flower. It was lavender, with pink tinting along the ruffled edges of the petals.

"Oh, it's pretty!" said Joxer. "I need to get her to let me have some seeds. I'd love to have a patch of those in our garden."

"Not gonna happen, Joxer," said Apollo, rolling the parchment up again. "She created this plant for one reason, and one reason only. Once it's accomplished it's appointed task she's going to destroy every example of it, every seed, every petal, every note she made about the creation process. She said that she might have produced it naturally, but it does things that Nature never intended, and the potential for abuse is too great. She's only doing this because there's more than one baby involved." He smiled. "She said that every other male that gets pregnant can just deal with getting an outie bellybutton."

"What do we do with this plant?" asked Joxer. "Is Ares going to have to eat them, or rub them on his tummy, or what?"

"Nothing with the flowers themselves. In fact, we don't want anyone handling them without protection, and those who DO handle them need to do so as little as possible. I took over after she came up with the plant, and I've concocted an ointment. The ointment is rubbed carefully on one small section of the pregnant male's abdoment, several times a day. Over a period of time the muscles shift. Finally there's what looks like a seam just beneath a thin skin. Now, once it appears you have to be very, very careful till it's time for the birth. In fact, I think I'll insist on bed rest. Nature tells the baby 'time to go', and they'll start trying to make their way out, instinctively going for the most natural method of escape. What looks like a seam is actually a slit, closed by a thin skin, and the baby will easily push her way through. Voila."

"It can't be that simple," said Ares.

"It's hardly simple," said Apollo. "A lot of work went into this."

"But how do you know it's going to work?" asked Joxer. "You haven't tried it on anyone else."

"Oh, yes I have. I wouldn't suggest this if I hadn't experimented." He waved his hand, and a bell chimed. A priest hurried in, and he said, "Ask Goddess Scribe to bring the surprise." The man bowed and left.

Ares groaned. "Scribe?"

"Don't start," said Joxer. "She's been very good to you, keeping you supplied with future junk food. Where else would you have gotten Cheetos and Mallomars?"

"I know, I know. But last time she saw me she sang some song called 'Havin' My Baby'."

Scribe came in. She had a large, covered wicker basket cradled in her arms, and she was grinning. "Hello, papas. How's the future offspring?"

"Kicking like a member of the chorus in one of Jayce's productions," said Ares.

"Some people would say that indicated a boy," she said. *peep* Ares stared at the basket. She said nothing, only smiling. *chirp* *peep*

"Lovebirds or chickens?" said Ares.

Joxer rolled his eyes. "Kittens, Ar. The peeps are the babies, and the chirp is the mother talking to them."

"Correctamundo," said Scribe. She flipped open the lid and bent down, showing the basket interior to the two men. A very small, silky black cat, sprawled on her side, blinked up at them sleepily. Two fluffy kittens, looking like all fur and round butts and heads, were cuddled at her side. "Meet Mamacita, Fudge, and Coco."

"Cute," said Ares, reaching in to tickle the mother cat under the chin. He was rewarded with a shrill purr. "But what's this got to do with anything."

"Joxer, hold this." Scribe settled the basket in Joxer's arms. "Now, look at this." She gently pushed Mamacita's leg to the side and brushed at the soft fur on her belly.

Ares bend forward, and scowled. "A scar. What happened to this cat?"

"It's not a scar," said Apollo. "Well, not exactly. You see, Mamacita had a birth defect--a slight malformation of the hips that made it very dangerous for her to get pregnant. If she tried to give birth in the normal way, she'd probably die."

"I thought I had her on the 'no kitties' potion," said Scribe, "but..." She shrugged. "You know cats. I was so upset when I realized she was preggers. I just knew I was going to lose both her and the babies."

"I'll say," said Apollo. "I found her bawling her eyes out. When she explained what had happened I knew that this was a perfect chance to test the new birth method." He reached in and scratched Mamacita behind the ears. "We used the ointment on her the last couple of weeks of her pregnancy, and the opening developed, just as I'd predicted. When her time came, the kittens popped out of the created opening, as neat as you please."

Ares bent down and studied the faint pink line more closely. Mamacita started to groom his hair. Ares gave the cat a wry look. "Thank you." *meow* He sat back up. "You're SURE that it will close up and disappear?"

"She gave birth three days ago," said Apollo, "and as you can see, she's almost completely healed up. I expect every trace to disappear eventually, and mother and babies doing fine. If you absolutely won't agree to this I can take the babies with a knife, but I have to tell you, Ares--I don't want to. No matter how skillful I am, no matter how smoothly the operation goes, it would still be a trauma for both you, and the babies. I watched this birth, and as births go it was smooth, and easy on the mother and infants."

Ares was silent for a momen. Then he reached out and ran a fingertip over the faintly seen line on the cat's belly. The cat licked his hand. "It doesn't hurt her, does it?"

"I'm pretty sure that the discomfort passed more quickly than it does after most natural births."

Ares thought some more. "Okay."

Apollo almost wilted in relief. Scribe gave Ares the thumbs up sign. "No disrespect to Eris, but you're going to be the toughest mother on record." She grinned as she picked up the basket. "And you can interpret that any way you please. Now, Mamacita, let's go see about getting you some nice, oily fish. Her needs lots and lots of protien to feed her babies, yes her does," she crooned as she walked out.

Apollo stood up. "I'll go get the ointment, and a scroll with detailed instructions on it's use. You're going to have to be very conscientious about this. Remember, there's no telling when the babies will decide it's time, and we want to be ready."

After he left, Ares looked at Joxer and said, "You DO realize that you're not going to see me naked again till after the children are born?"

"Oh, yeah? Who's going to rub that ointment on your tummy, then? You darn sure aren't going to be able to reach far enough to do it efficiently." He cut his eyes at Ares and said casually. "Though I suppose Strife would be happy to help you with..."

"Don't even THINK that! Tartarus, I hope Apollo doesn't let this slip to anyone else, because I'll never..."

*FLASH*

Strife appeared, created a chair, then flopped in it comfortably. He grinned at Ares and said, "So, did 'Pol tell ya that yer gonna have a chance ta sing 'I've Looked At Love From Both Sides Now'?"

Joxer tried to fight down a snicker as Ares said grimly, "If he's lucky, I'll have forgotten that I want to kill him by the time I'm capable of physical exertion again."